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Same fat time, same fat channel... Portly Boy

The Big Question (Portly Boy pt. 73) by Ray
I couldn't remember if I'd ever had a gun against my head before. It seemed like I had, seemed like I'd had to, at one ...
January 09, 2010
 
Portly News by Ray
This isn't a new Portly Boy story, so if that's what you were expecting, you're out of luck. This is a post telling you ...
June 07, 2009
 
Bad News (Portly Boy pt. 72) by Ray
"I need a favor." "I told you," Mandy said, "There is no way I'm doing that." I felt a familiar stirring in my crot...
May 13, 2009
 
thePortmobile by Ray
...
March 25, 2009
 
Death Of A Team Member (Portly Boy pt. 71) by Ray
...
March 16, 2009
 
Because We're Starting A Line Of Toys, That's Why (Portly Boy pt. 70) by Ray
You may be wondering where me and my drunken sidekick have been. Unless, of course, you're a normal human being, with ...
February 03, 2009
 
Judge, Jury, And Executioner (Portly Boy pt. 69) by Ray
Luckily, the Evil Judge was focused on the car as it rolled away—hard not to be a little mesmerized by it, actually, wi...
January 28, 2007
 
The Trap (Portly Boy pt. 68) by Ray
I look across the parking lot, and I can’t tell if Arnie’s alive or dead. Probably he’s alive, because I can’t imagine...
December 16, 2006
 
A Brand-Name Moment (Portly Boy pt. 67) by Ray
“What the hell is wrong with you?” The volume of the voice was much too high, and so was the tone of the voice. There...
September 24, 2006
 
Conflict Within (Portly Boy pt. 66) by Ray
“I can’t, man—there’s a reason they call it live feed. Because it’s live.” “I don’t even know why I ke...
September 03, 2006
 
Saving the Day (Portly Boy pt. 65) by Ray
“My baby! My baby!” The cry was coming from the area where I had just been, from the area of the Escort and the BMW. ...
June 19, 2006
 
Out Of the Portmobile, Into the Fire (Portly Boy pt. 64) by Ray
One thing I completely recommend if you’re about to die, is do something to take your mind off of it. Maybe a crosswor...
May 14, 2006
 
Back In Action (Portly Boy pt. 63) by Ray
“Are you going to talk to me at all tonight?” Arnie asked. We were in the Portmobile, which meant that I didn’t reall...
March 26, 2006
 
Waking Up (Portly Boy pt. 62) by Ray
I opened my eyes because there was someone talking near my head. Right in my ear, actually. As soon as I did it, I wi...
December 07, 2005
 
A Day That Just Gets Worse (Portly Boy pt. 61) by Ray
“Why don’t you morons just kill me?” I asked. It hurt like hell to talk, but whatever. These lunatics were up to no ...
November 12, 2005
 
Golden Girl Gone Bad (Portly Boy pt. 60) by Ray
“You take the good!” “You take the bad!” “You take them both and then you have! The facts of life!” That first v...
October 15, 2005
 
An Old Rescue (Portly Boy pt. 59) by Ray
“Are you kidding me?” Arnie said something in reply, but I couldn’t hear him because of Mandy’s laughter. I tried to...
September 17, 2005
 
A Visitor (Portly Boy pt. 58) by Ray
Eight in the morning, which is really just one of those fabled hours, as far as I’m concerned. For a second, I can’t e...
September 11, 2005
 
All My Dates End Like This (Portly Boy pt. 57) by Ray
One thing I really hate about my life is how often I get knocked out. Like if you went to work every day, and you cons...
August 03, 2005
 
Arnie's Date--The Return (Portly Boy pt. 56) by Ray
“I couldn’t help noticing you’re still sitting there on that couch,” Mandy said to me. “I couldn’t help noticing that...
July 20, 2005
 
Arnie's Date--Countdown (Portly Boy pt. 55) by Ray
Usually, when I have a half-bottle of whiskey in my hand, what I’m doing is concentrating on making it an all-the-way e...
July 12, 2005
 
Extraction (Portly Boy pt. 54) by Ray
“I don’t think I’m very comfortable with all of this,” I said. “Good,” Mandy told me. “It you were comfortable with ...
July 04, 2005
 
The Dentist (Portly Boy pt. 53) by Ray
I refuse to believe that there’s anyone out there that isn’t afraid of a visit to the dentist, just as I refuse to beli...
June 27, 2005
 
Captured...Again (Portly Boy pt. 52) by Ray
I didn’t know what to expect when the elevator doors opened, but I sure wasn’t expecting some hippy sitting around nude...
June 16, 2005
 
Into the Lair (Portly Boy pt. 51) by Ray
You know those people who walk around spouting clichés, making nonsensical remarks that are supposed to make the world ...
June 04, 2005
 
Preparation (Portly Boy pt. 50) by Ray
“You don’t look as bad as you usually do after we spend a night drinking like graves are going out of style,” Arnie sai...
May 27, 2005
 
The Doctor (Portly Boy pt. 49) by Ray
I could hear the things going on around me, I could feel the light trying to penetrate my eyelids, but I couldn’t move....
May 18, 2005
 
The Escape (Portly Boy pt. 48) by Ray
I woke up slowly and painfully, not wanting to do it, but unable to keep it from happening. I do a kind of all-body ma...
May 09, 2005
 
Captured (Portly Boy pt. 47) by Ray
I didn’t feel any heat—that was the weird part. Just a little shaking, and an odd little floating sensation. If you w...
May 06, 2005
 
The Scheme Explained (Portly Boy pt. 46) by Ray
“You know, this isn’t at all what I expected,” Arnie said. Somebody like Arnie, you don’t even want to know what he w...
April 23, 2005
 
Animal People (Portly Boy pt. 45) by Ray
I woke up again, and was much more comfortable with it than I had been that morning. I had a headache, for one thing, ...
April 19, 2005
 
Caffeine (Portly Boy pt. 44) by Ray
I woke up by myself, no drunk guy yelling, no phone ringing, no alarms going off. It’s a pretty nice way to wake up—if...
April 10, 2005
 
Aftermath Of an Escape (Portly Boy pt. 43) by Ray
“Uuuhhh. What happened?” Arnie sat up all slow, rubbing his chin a little and looking around. I had been trying to ...
March 27, 2005
 
Freakin' Villains Everywhere (Portly Boy pt. 42) by Ray
“You gotta be kidding me,” I said. I’m standing there with a bag of athletic crotch-protection gear in one hand, and a...
March 23, 2005
 
Where To Start (Portly Boy pt. 41) by Ray
I woke up, feeling like something had woken me up. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was only twelve-ten in the a...
March 22, 2005
 
Crazy Times (Portly Boy pt. 40) by Ray
One of the things I hate most about my talking car is that it never says anything good. It never says something like, ...
March 13, 2005
 
Revenge Is A Dish Best Served With Hot Pockets (Portly Boy pt. 39) by Ray
“So what’s the plan?” That was Arnie. It seems like he’s always asking me that, usually when there’s some major catas...
March 08, 2005
 
You CAN Keep A Fat Man Down (Portly Boy pt. 38) by Ray
Life is a weird thing. I’m not talking about sex-with-puppet fetish websites or about those old ladies who are always ...
March 06, 2005
 
The End (Portly Boy pt. 37) by Ray
“What’s the plan?” That was Mandy. “Yeah, man, what IS the plan?” That was Arnie. The fact that these people were...
February 08, 2005
 
Gunfight (Portly Boy pt. 36) by Ray
“What the hell is the matter with you?” That was Mandy, and she was screaming. At me. I was getting dressed up in my...
February 03, 2005
 
Portly Goes Profound (Portly Boy pt. 35) by Ray
It was a pretty quiet night. I was cruising in the Portmobile, alone. It was a strange feeling, really. Usually, the...
January 26, 2005
 
A Daring Rescue (Portly Boy pt. 34) by Ray
“I am Seductress! And you will bend to my will!” “Nice tits.” That was me, in case you were wondering. Yeah, crude...
January 16, 2005
 
Arnie Abducted (Portly Boy pt. 33) by Ray
“Come on, man. Just a few clips? I won’t even credit them to you.” “Shut UP, Arnie!” That first voice, that was Ar...
January 11, 2005
 
A Villain Unmasked…And Emasculated (Portly Boy pt. 32) by Ray
You want to know what really bugs me? I’m sure you don’t, but I’ll tell you anyways. Actually, lots of stuff really b...
January 09, 2005
 
The Dark Side Of Mandy (Portly Boy pt. 31) by Ray
“Wake up!” “No.” That second voice, that was me. That first voice, I didn’t know who the hell that was, but it sure...
December 14, 2004
 
A Crush Crushed (Portly Boy pt. 30) by Ray
“The Amazing Portly Boy then raced off into the night, Portly Song blaring. Back to you, Janet.” “Thanks, Tom,” the ...
December 07, 2004
 
The Roof, The Roof, The Roof Is On Fire (Portly Boy pt. 29) by Ray
We sped through traffic. Manipulating traffic in this city never easy. Speeding through it is damn near impossible. ...
November 27, 2004
 
Time Out (Portly Boy pt. 28) by Ray
All right. Believe it or not, The Amazing Portly Boy does, on occasion, engage in…um, certain carnal activities. At p...
November 21, 2004
 
Captain Pizza-Guy Returns (Portly Boy pt. 27) by Ray
Arnie didn’t drink himself to death. If you’ve read the last installment, you’ll understand why I mention that right a...
November 15, 2004
 
Mandy In Love (Portly Boy pt. 26) by Ray
I woke up feeling pretty good, which kind of freaked me out. Living a life such as mine, you can deal pretty well with...
November 14, 2004
 
Silent Night (Portly Boy pt. 25) by Ray
“So…what’s on your mind?” That was Arnie. Arnie can’t stand silence. He can’t even stand remote silence. Like, you’...
November 07, 2004
 
Hallmark Moment--Fat Style (Portly Boy pt. 24) by Ray
I woke up and didn’t know where I was. This isn’t anything new to me, and although it startles my brain a little bit e...
November 07, 2004
 
Kidnapped (Portly Boy pt. 23) by Ray
“Have you ever been knocked unconscious by a pizza?” Questions like this, they shouldn’t come up in conversation. If ...
November 02, 2004
 
Up Arnie's Sleeve (Portly Boy pt. 22) by Ray
So there we are, about to die at the hands of Supa Gangsta. And I’m not kidding around, either. I know I give him a g...
October 26, 2004
 
What Up, Gangsta? (Portly Boy pt. 21) by Ray
I’m generally a pretty passive guy. This isn’t so much because I like being passive, it’s just that I’m one of the big...
October 26, 2004
 
Out Of the Frying Pan (Portly Boy pt. 20) by Ray
It’s weird how television and the movies de-sensitize you. I mean, you see something in the movies, you think it looks...
October 26, 2004
 
Staying Alive, ooh, ooh, ooh (Portly Boy pt. 19) by Ray
You remember when you were a kid? Did you ever wake up late for school, like maybe your mom forgot to set her alarm or...
October 15, 2004
 
Hangovers and Food Obsessions (Portly Boy pt. 18) by Ray
You can make a chicken pot pie in five minutes, toss it into the microwave and walk off, come back, dump it onto a paper...
October 12, 2004
 
Sucker-punched By the Green Fairy (Portly Boy pt. 17) by Ray
Absinthe. Webster’s Dictionary defines it as…well, I don’t know how Webster’s defines it, if you want to know the truth...
October 12, 2004
 
A New Drink (Portly Boy pt. 16) by Ray
“There’s a message on the machine.” That was my alcoholic friend Arnie, and he sounded kind of worri...
September 09, 2004
 
A Villian Busted...For Real, This Time (Portly Boy pt. 15) by Ray
At first, I didn’t understand the pain. It was like someone was shoving a gun barrel into my forehead, just abov...
September 09, 2004
 
Not Quite Busted (Portly Boy pt. 14) by Ray
At first, I didn’t understand the pain. It was like someone was shoving a gun barrel into my temple, just in fro...
September 09, 2004
 
A Villian Busted (Portly Boy pt. 13) by Ray
“Are you okay?” Did you ever notice that when somebody’s asking you if you’re okay, you genera...
September 09, 2004
 
Same Old Enemies (Portly Boy pt. 11) by Ray
You know that story about Hansel and Gretel? That part where they get caught by the witch and she’s like, “Now I’m goi...
August 15, 2004
 
Life Issues (Portly Boy pt. 12) by Ray
It was all a big mistake, really. It was no Zippo that Jimmy Flicks had pulled out. If you’ve ever owned a...
August 15, 2004
 
New Friends (Portly Boy pt. 9) by Ray
Surrounded by rowdy strip-club bouncers, my drunken sidekick the Drunkard passing out booze to the lot of them, and I w...
August 06, 2004
 
New Places (Portly Boy pt. 10) by Ray
“What you doin’, man?” “Trying to read this,” I said. The loud drunk voice next to my head was...
August 06, 2004
 
Did a Hero Just Use the F-Word? (Portly Boy pt. 8) by Ray
Do you ever get that feeling that the whole world hates you? Like Life itself is out to get you? I mean, do you ever ...
June 05, 2004
 
Just Another Day in the Life (Portly Boy pt. 7) by Ray
“I got you a present.” “Is it a new liver?” I’m sitting in Arnie’s living room, and I can’t decide if I want to thro...
June 02, 2004
 
Aftermath of an Adventure (Portly Boy pt. 6) by Ray
The thing about victory is it just doesn’t last long enough. If you’re an overweight balding guy dressed up in floresc...
May 07, 2004
 
Battle of a Hero (Portly Boy pt. 5) by Ray
What happened was, I got busted for mooning some chick in a park, right? She turned out to be an evil judge, and becau...
May 02, 2004
 
Closer To Crime-fighting (Portly Boy pt. 4) by Ray
You know the story about Bruce Wayne? I’ll run it down for you real quick, just in case you don’t. He’s just a kid, h...
April 24, 2004
 
The Almost-Dawn of a Sidekick (Portly Boy pt. 3) by Ray
“I think it’s exciting.” “That’s why you’re an idiot.” That first person, that was Arnie, internet porn king, alc...
April 17, 2004
 
And So It Begins (Portly Boy pt. 2) by Ray
After a night of drinking, a morning in jail, and a moment of terror, I was sentenced by a rather bitter judge to serve...
March 28, 2004
 
Dawn of a Hero (Portly Boy pt. 1) by Ray
The sound of the gavel slamming down was as cold as a winter wind. No, it was colder than that. I mean, sure, winter ...
March 27, 2004