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The Best Part Of Waking Up... by Ray Printer Friendly

One pot of coffee, used as study guide, and then used as whiskey chaser. The key is to grind the beans so fine that you’re tempted to snort them instead of run hot water through them. No sugar for fat boys, so no sugar rush, which is too bad—coffee highs and sugar rushes are to the late-night writing session what conjoined twins are to the freak show.

Especially if one of the twins is a monkey and the other is a penguin—man, that would totally rattle some people’s shit, wouldn’t it?

I used to live by myself in my very own house, and when all of my friends were out of town and there was no one to booty call, I would dedicate the entire night to writing. It didn't always work out for the best, but it...well, nothing, really. It's a good way to make your brain pay for that time it convinced you that peeing on an electric fence was a good idea, though.

Here’s how you do it:

You drop a filter into the coffee filter place on your coffee pot, and then you fill it to the brim with the strongest coffee you can find. I was in a small town and I had no coffee grinder, so the quality of my coffee wasn’t all that great. Not that it mattered much, anyways—I wasn’t drinking it to enjoy it.

You take the empty coffee pot and you fill it with about half a tin of that International Coffee shit that comes in those rectangular cans. On top of this, dump about a quarter cup of regular instant coffee—Taster’s Choice was always my preferred favorite, followed closely by Sanka. On an unrelated note, if you Yahoo Image search the word “sanka” with your adult filter off, you get two pages of pictures of naked women and dogs (not together) before you see one image of coffee. I totally recommend it, because the only thing better than looking at pictures of coffee is looking at pictures of coffee after you’ve been looking at pictures of naked women and German Shepherds.

Okay, so you have your three different types of coffee—one in the filter, two in the pot (although this sounds like some wonderful, disgusting sexual metaphor, I don’t mean it as one…just yet)—and you have your water in the reservoir. I skipped over that part about filling the reservoir with water, because I figured you would know to do that. Just in case you didn’t, though: do that.

While you’re waiting for your coffee to brew, grab your mug. I always preferred one of those massive travel mugs that truckers use for coffee when their liver will no longer process the over-the-counter road speed that you pick up at truck stops. Dump some sugar in there. Don’t be timid.

I generally drink my coffee black. Sure, it doesn’t always taste great, but it looks more manly, and it’s about a thousand times easier to prepare when you’re trying to wake up first thing in the morning. But the point of all this isn’t too look tough or take the easy road. You are on a mission, and a ridiculous blood-sugar level is part of this mission.

I usually made sure that I had enough sugar in the bottom of my cup so that I could get at least one knuckle buried. You have to be careful here, because if you get too much, your coffee just turns into syrup, which takes longer to drink.

Pour the coffee into the cup, stir until you can’t feel a mound of sugar at the bottom of your cup, and then drink it.

The entire cup. As fast as you can.

Now you have to work quickly—the caffeine will be kicking in before you know it, so you have to prepare another cup before the shakes hit. Dump in another inch or so of sugar, fill the cup with coffee again, and wait. You won’t have to wait long, and you won't have to stir it this time—the shaking will do that for you.

If there’s any coffee left in the pot, don’t even try to get it into the mug. When you’re ready for it, you’ll find it’s more feasible to just dump the sugar into the pot, and then drink straight from the lip of the pot.

But right now, we’re concerned about the second cup. Don’t concern yourself with trying to chug this one. Just keep it in your hand. You’ll find that without even trying, you’ll sip it to emptiness in about three minutes, tops.

And then the fun begins. Like I mentioned earlier, this is usually where I went in and sat down at my computer.

I did that because I enjoy writing, but to be honest, I never really wrote anything decent in that state of mind. Sure I had a couple of good ideas—when your brain’s running at approximately three thousand times it’s usual speed, you’re bound to come up with a good idea or two—but the writing was weak and fragmented at best, and horrifyingly stupid at worst.

A lot like this post, actually.

I would write for hours at a time, stopping only for pee breaks (every twenty seconds or so) and cigarette breaks (every ten seconds or so). I once wrote three twenty-page short stories in one night. I then became convinced that two of my best friends had broken into my house and were playing mind games with me before they killed me.

So, you know—you kind of have to take the good with the bad.

By the time the sun comes up, you will more than likely have reverted to some bestial state of mind, growling at your own genitalia and fearing the sound of the refrigerator motor kicking on. Don’t fret—that will go away in a week or so. And if it doesn’t actually go away, you’ll at least get used to it. Kind of.

Trust me.

So, there—if you don’t have anything else going on, you can do that.


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