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Loser TV by Ray Printer Friendly

I don’t watch much TV. The thing is, I think most television programming is unimaginative horseshit that is not only an insult to my intelligence, but also an active assault upon my mental wellbeing. There are exceptions of course, but not many.

Occasionally, I’ll wander in to see what my princess is up to, glance at the TV, and find myself still standing there a half-hour later, wondering why I decided to completely flush that time down the toilet. I’m pretty sure it’s some sort of hypnotism. Sometimes, though, I’ll go in and find her watching something that actually interests me. For example, there’s this show called The Biggest Loser.

In case you’ve never watched or heard of this show, here’s the premise: they get a bunch of fat people on a ranch for fat people and then they exercise them all the time. Whoever loses the most weight wins.

Personally, I have suspicions of cannibalism, but I don’t generally voice that kind of thing, due to the looks I get. But come on, man—you take a bunch of fat people, you put them on a ranch, you work them until they’re prime, and then we never hear from the fatties again. See?

Anyways, I don’t make it a point to watch this show, but if it’s on, I’ll watch it—which is shameful enough to admit, because I think reality TV is one of the worst things to plague this world since God did that thing with the locusts.

Being a fat guy myself, one thing I enjoy about the show is seeing people fatter than I am. You see some guy on there that weighs twice as much as your fat ass, it kind of lessens the shame-pain, you know what I’m sayin’?

I know that that’s really shallow, but I don’t care. If you’re here to judge me, just judge me because I’m fat and be done with it, okay? Oh, and my predilection for midget/clown porn, I guess you can judge me for that, too.

Another thing I like about this show is that it isn’t as cut-throat as most reality TV. You don’t have people double-crossing each other and constantly talking shit. Because they all know what it’s like to be a mess of obesity, and they all really seem to want each other to do well. Even the competing teams get a little excited for the fatty that loses a lot of weight. Maybe it’s because fat people are jolly.

These people do lose weight, by the way. Five, ten, fifteen pounds a week—it’s ridiculous. I’ve been working my fat ass pretty hard since July—exercise, proper eating, etc—and it hasn’t really done shit for me. I did lose ten pounds, but that was around the time that I hurt my back and had to stop lifting heavy shit all the time, so I’m pretty sure that that ten pounds is all muscle weight. So now I’m a weak fatty, how exciting is that?

I don’t know how hard it is being as big as the people on the show—as I mentioned earlier, they’re quite a bit bigger than I am—but I feel like if I was ever on that show, I would clean house with these tubby little whiners. The other night, they were put on these escalators and they had to just walk on them.

I missed the first part, but I think the winner got ten thousand dollars. You just had to walk and walk, and the last person walking won the money. The longest walker? Like nine minutes.

Walking up escalators is hard. I used to work at a place where the escalator always broke, and since the elevator was reserved for handicapped people, you just had to walk up and down. They aren’t like regular stairs, because they’re built for standing, not walking. They’re wider, and I think they’re a little taller than regular stairs. It’s a bitch to walk up an escalator, is what I’m saying.

But most of these people were out in the first three or four minutes. The last person walked for nine minutes. Nine minutes, man. Ten thousand dollars. I could walk up an escalator for nine minutes if there was a king-size Snickers as a prize. Ten grand, I’ll walk ‘till I pass out (which would probably closer to twenty minutes).

They’re talking about how they can’t breathe, how their legs were burning and their knees hurt. Shit, man, you’re a fatty—that happens any time you walk anywhere. But most of the time, people don’t pay you ten g’s to do it.

I was amazed at their lack of will power, although I guess I shouldn’t have been—if they had will power in the first place, they wouldn’t be on the show.

As much trash as I talk, though, I do enjoy watching them succeed. It’s nice to see a show where even if you lose, you win (“Man, I didn’t lose the most weight, or win all the money, but I still got several weeks worth of free training, and I lost fifty pounds.”—not a bad deal).

Plus, they do a lot of crying, and it’s hilarious to watch fat people cry.


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