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My New Keyboard by Ray Printer Friendly

I got a new keyboard today. I haven’t had a chance to use it a whole lot just yet, but so far, it’s awesome. The keys on my other keyboard were starting to stick. And when I say they were starting to stick, what I mean is, half the time, it took more than one finger to get the bastards to press down.

It was a $14 Nexxtech—the off-brand of Circuit City (once decribed to me by a store manager as “Canada’s answer to the Sharper Image”). I bought it when I still worked there, and with my employee discount, I think it cost me about six bucks. I used the standard Dell keyboard that came with my computer for a long time, but it started really hurting my hands, so I switched to the Nexxtech. It has lasted over a year, so I feel that I’ve gotten my money out of it.

When I first started having problems with the Delete key, I figured I would work around it—I mean, I’m pretty cheap, and there are ways to get around not having a backspace, right? When the Enter key started sticking, I figured I might have a problem. And when I had to start using both thumbs to hit the space bar, that’s when I knew something had to change.

So I spent the better part of a day running around from Office Depot (who will positively rape you, and they’ll do it with a smile) to Best Buy (where I was ignored so that all the guys that worked there could flirt with all the girls that worked there) to CompUSA (ultra-friendly and very willing to help—these people were so courteous that it was unsettling, like I felt like I might be in some weird retail horror movie or something) and finally broke down and went to Circuit City. Going to Circuit City is a curious experience for me, because although I’m not exactly worshipped as a hero, I’m not treated as a regular customer, either. Last time I walked in, I was talking to one of the people I used to work with, and another employee walked up and was like, “This is that guy?”


“They tell stories about you,” he said.

“Don’t listen to them,” I told him.

“You scared an old guy so bad that he pissed his pants?”

“Just because an old guy smells like piss doesn’t mean it’s my fault.”

“But that was you?”

“I scared a lot of people—there were probably some old men in there, somewhere.”

So I get a little bit of special treatment when I’m in there, but I generally try not to go back any more than I absolutely have to.

I messed around with the keyboard for a bit in the store, and was impressed with how easy it was to push the buttons. Also, it was on sale. That was pretty much enough for me. Once I got home, I discovered it was wireless, which was like a super-happy-funtime bonus. I love wireless.

I realize that wireless products are not nearly as expensive as they once were, but I still didn’t think I could afford something as fancy-pants and uptown as a wireless mouse, much less a wireless mouse and keyboard. And yet, here I am—excitedly typing away on a keyboard while I spin around in my chair. I can do that without getting all tangled up, because I have a wireless keyboard, you see. The mouse moves as smooth as a porn star’s pubic region, without any odd jumps, skips, or vanishings. My other mouse was beginning to skitz out a bit, where you would be moving the cursor and then suddenly it would vanish, only to appear on the opposite side of the monitor.

On the side of the keyboard are all kinds of scroll bars and buttons that I will probably never understand, and at the top are rows of programmable keys that I will more than likely never understand how to program.

None of that matters, though. What matters is that I can type again, and it doesn’t seem like a workout. Too bad I’ll probably pack on an extra ten pounds without my “try to check email” workout.


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