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Junk Mail by Ray Printer Friendly

In case you didnít notice, I havenít really been around for the past few days. I actually managed to write a couple of things (even had one posted for a few hours), but while proofreading them, I got so damned bored that I couldnít make it all the way through. I decided to use good judgment for once, and just deleted them.

Iíve been working on wedding stuff, which isnít as easy as it sounds, even for a little barely-wedding like ours. The high point of the week was when I realized that I am inviting my booze-swilling, eff-word-screaming, lunatic batch of friends, and my princess is inviting her ultra-conservative, modest, letís-not-sin friends that she went to bible college with. Several members from both sets of friends will be in attendance.

I honestly donít know what to expect. Youíve got people who think holding hands before marriage is a sin, and youíve got people who drop the f-bomb every other word when they get excited. Itíll be interesting, anyway.

But I wanted to tell you something. I just recently started getting spam in my Strangelands email account. I donít use this account for anything, really, except for emailing. I donít sign up for shit or whatever, is what Iím saying. But Iíve posted my address on the site and that was enough. Iím actually a little surprised that it took this long.

Now if you have an email account, youíve more than likely received your share of junk, and if youíre like me, you ignore most of. I was struck by a particular piece that I received the other day, though, and I would like to share it with you.

Donít worryóIím not going to start posting every piece of junk I get and expect that to count as a postóalthough some of this shit really is pretty funny.

Moving on:

The name of the sender is Mitzi Whitlock. If you know me, you know that Iím not the kind of person that corresponds with people named Mitzi. If you donít know me, but have formed some kind of imaginary persona for me, I hope you have neglected to add ďthe kind of guy that hangs out with people named MitziĒ to that list.

Iím not saying that I could never be your friend if your name is Mitzi, but Iím shallow enough to immediately form an opinion of you based on your stupid name, so it will be an uphill battle for you. And by ďuphill,Ē I mean, like you better bring a little ice hammer and some of those spiky boots that mountain climbers wear, and probably bring an oxygen tank and rations, too. And to be honest, Iím not really worth all that, so maybe you should just save us both some time, and move along. No tears now, MitziÖjust go.

The subject line is, ďHi, opium-smoking.Ē

I have been called a lot of things through the course of my life, but this is the first time I have ever been called Opium-smoking. I kind of like it, though. Itís sort of like when I first moved to NYC, and someone kept calling my brand new cell phone and asking for someone named Blade.

You just sit there for a second after going, ďNo, wrong number,Ē and you think, ďMan, that really should be my name. I deserve a name like that.Ē Of course, Blade is arguably cooler-sounding than Opium-smoking, but still.

I actually tried to get everyone to call me Blade, but they wouldnít do it. I think the closest I got was when Carey said she would meet me halfway with ďSafety Scissors.Ē

But now I get this crazy email addressing me as Opium-smoking, and I kind of like it. Iím not sure if itís something Iím going to hold onto, but weíll see.

As much as I hate to admit it, the subject line actually piqued my interest enough to get me to open the actual email. As you might guess, that was a waste of time:

Worried about the loss of erectoin? EVEN if you have no

erectoin problems SOFT CIARLIS would help you to bring

back some romantic moments that u lost in past.

Just disolve half a pil under your tongue and get ready for action

in 15 minutes. SOFT CIA1LIS! It makes your lovemaking incredible!


[website removed by myself]

Instant shipping worldwide. Absolutely CONFIDENTIAL and SECURE purchase.

One of the few things that I havenít ever worried about is the loss of erectoin. Honestly, Iím not really sure what an erectoin is. I mean, I know what an erection is, and my first thought was that maybe this was just a typographical error. But after reading the entire email, I realized that Mitzi isnít all that consistent with her errors, so this was what she meant to type.

I think I got to the bottom of the mystery, though.

Letís say youíre a guy, okay? And letís say youíre gettingí busy with a lady: mugginí down, feeliní up, all that good stuff in all those good directions. And because the two of you are both consenting adults that have probably had entirely too much to drink, you decide to take it to the next level. By banging.

So itís time to take off your underpants. (If you arenít wearing any underpants, this doesnít apply to you, but seriouslyóarenít you afraid of zipping up something that should never be zipped up?) The thing is, you already have yourself a pretty good boner going on.

So hereís what happens (and it only seems to happen when youíre with a new partneróor maybe you just notice it more then): your little guy hangs on the elastic waistband of your underpants, just for a second, as you pull them down. And then it snaps back up in a really comical manner that can totally kill the mood, and then it just bounces around for a second or two. Seriously, itís just one of the most un-sexy things that a penis can doóyou know, aside form that whole ďejaculationĒ thing Iíve heard so much about.

Anyways, Iím guessing that erctoin is the sound that your penis would make if it were in a cartoon or something and it did that catch-on-the-waistband move. Like it hangs up, gets pulled down a little, and then erec-TOIN-oin-oin-oin!

And frankly, Iím doing just fine without all that. Iím staying the hell away from ďSOFT CIARLIS,Ē or ďSOFT CIA1LIS,Ē or whatever the hell itís called. No, noóeven if you offer me a ď70% DISCXOUNT OFER!Ē

I donít know if I would go so far as to call my lovemaking incredible (unless youíre talking about the fact that my fat ass is even doing it in the first place, I mean), but I certainly donít see how your miracle, cartoon-sound-for-my-penis drug will help.

Itís tempting, what with all of your typing errors and exclamation points, but considering you donít even know the name of the shit youíre selling, Iím gonna have to pass.

Thanks, Mitzi, but no thanks.


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