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Holy Garbled Gabbing, Batman! by Ray Printer Friendly

A strange thing tonightóIím not sure what I want to write about. Generally, the problem is that I have nothing to say, and feel inclined to spend several pages saying it.

Tonight, I actually have some stuff I could write about, but Iím not sure if I want to or not. Iím not sure if this stuff is even remotely interesting, or if itís just another one of those ďwhy wonít this guy shut the hell up?Ē kind of posts. Also, I donít know if I have the right words to express what I want to express. Sure, by the end of the night, there will be words and words and words, but Iím not sure if theyíll be the right ones. Usually, I donít give a shit, but this is sort of serious business to me. Generally, I skip over writing about serious business. Because, honestly, I suck at serious business.

As you may know, Iím getting married. In November, if things go according to plan. My princess and I have really started getting intense about the planning. It isnít going to be a big thing, by any means. In fact, I just got finished sending out an email to friends and family letting them know that they donít have to be there if they donít want to, that it isnít really going to be a ďweddingĒ at all. We were going to do the big wedding thing, but in the end, we decided that our money could be better used elsewhere, and I got sick of trying to work out a plan where it would be convenient for everyone to make it. We have friends and family scattered all over the globe, and trying to work it out to where everyone was happy was a huge headache. But worse than a headache, reallyólike if a regular headache was being lightly nudged by a foam pillow, this headache would be a kick right in the balls by a three-hundred-pound bouncer wearing steel-toed boots and jacked up out of his mind on steroids.

So weíre just going to go out on a beach, get married, kiss, and call it good.

The fact that itís so simple has sort of allowed the whole thing to fly under the what-the-hell-am-I-doing radar. Iíve been meaning to marry this woman for quite some time now, and I donít have cold feet or anything, but there are times when it hits me really hard: Iím getting married.

I take that kind of shit seriously. For a long time, I was pretty convinced that I would never marry. Itís one thing to have a failed relationship where you both get to walk away with your emotional scars and a few more shards of life-lesson jammed into your heart. Itís another thing entirely to get a divorce.

I know that people do it all the time. Shit, manóhalf the people I graduated with have been married and divorced at least once. But thatís not my thing, you know?

My dad was married twice before I was conceived. Apparently, that shitís contagious, because after they got married, my mom really got into that divorce thing. Marriage, divorce, marriage, divorce. What a fucking hassle.

The thing is, I never had a problem with the ďdivorceĒ aspect. I mean, these people obviously had no business being with each other, or with any of their subsequent partners. Both my mom and my dad are much better at being single than they are at being part of a couple. I honestly believe that there are some people who are just better at being alone. And by some fluke, both of my parents are two of those people.

Neither one of them should have ever been married. They should have both stayed single, so that they could live happy, fulfilling lives that involved doing whatever the hell they wanted to, with no regard to anyone else. Instead, they both tried to do the marriage thingÖover and over and fucking over again.

Divorce was just a part of life. Most of the time, it was reason for celebration. When your dad marries the evil stepmother from all the fairy tales, youíre kind of relieved when he gives you the news that divorce is imminent.

What I have a problem with is people getting married in the first place. Most people are too dumb to be doing shit like this. Iím not implying that everyone who gets married and divorced is dumbóIím just saying that most everyone on this planet is. You shouldnít just marry someone, to get married. I mean, I like cookies, but I donít decide that thatís all Iím going to eat for the rest of my life, you know? When you talk about forever, you want a food that gives you all the vitamins and nutrients you need to stay alive, and all the sugar to keep you, umÖsatisfied. Too many people marry because itís what theyíve been told to do, or itís what their friends are doing, or because theyíre desperate pathetic losers who fear spending the rest of their lives alone.

I realize Iím all over the place here, so Iíll try to calm down. My point of all of this is, it took me a long time to find someone that I wanted to marry. This woman, I plan on spending the rest of my life with her. The rest of my life.

Like another finger or something, you know? Something that will be there forever, until I die (she says she wants to die first, but if she meant it, she would be the one who was fifty pounds overweight and drinking entirely too muchóalthough she did get me to quit smoking, which Iíve heard will force me to live longer). I donít plan on going through all of this and then decide in three months or a year or three years or whatever that I donít like it.

I goof around all the time. This is serious business. Sheís the one and only. This will be the only time I ever get married. Since I was a little kid, Iíve promised myself I will only get marriedóand if absolutely necessary, divorcedóonce. One time, thatís it. I grew older, maybe a little wiser, and some of my opinions and ideas changed. I even broke some of my promises to myself. But this one, itís one of those real promises.

My point being, this is a monumental decision in my life. And most of the time, it doesnít even occur to me how big this is. And then Iíll have a moment, a little flash, where Iím just like, ďAre you insane? You arenít responsible enough to make a decision like this!Ē

Anyway, thatís what I wanted to write about. Sure enough, I didnít have the words to express myself properly. Looking back over this, it seems to read like a garbled mess of gin-soaked nervousness.

But I havenít been drinking, so there.


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