One night, long ago, I was on the phone with one of my friends, and she was drunk and I was drunk, and somehow we ended up talking about my princess. And here’s how it ended up going (my friend used the real name of my princess, which will be replaced with the word “princess” in this post):
“Here, write this down,” My friend said. “Type it. Are you typing it down?”
“Not yet. I have to…I can’t get it to…okay, it’s working. Okay, I’m typing.”
“Are you typing this right now?”
“I’m typing as we speak. Not as fast, though.”
“Okay, write this down.”
“It’s okay if I type it?” I asked
“Yeah. Write it, type it, however you need to do it. Ready?’
“Five things about Princess.”
“Five of them?”
“Shush. It’s an ode.”
“I don’t even know what that means. ‘Ode.’ Is it some sort o-”
“Seriously, shut up.”
“Five things about Princess.
“Of all the people my best friend Ray has ever known, she is the most beautiful. Not just physically. But that beauty that’s inside, that makes the world better.
“She puts up with all of his bullshit and knows all of this bullshit for what it is, and yet still actually loves him.
“She gets that life is more about laughter than it is about sadness.
“She would never hurt him intentionally, no matter what.
“Of all the people that I ever knew that Ray would meet, she’s the one that I always knew existed and always hoped he would find.
“And she gets your weird Taco Bell obsession.
“If ever I was to find someone for me like Princess is for Ray, then I could honestly say ‘That’s it.’ And I could look at him and say, ‘I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you.’
“Because, honestly, have you not just wanted to die so many times?”
After several moments of silence, I say, “I think that was more than five.”
“Was it too many?”
“I think it was just right.”
“Yeah. I’m using this on the site, you know.”
“What will you call it?”
“‘Gonna Use Yo’ Super Powers.’”