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Turkey Bacon's Revenge by Ray Printer Friendly

Iím a big fan of bacon. Since meeting my princess, Iíve pretty much been eating turkey bacon, which isnít bad. Itís not pig bacon, but itís still not bad.

Did you know you can microwave bacon? You can. Turkey bacon is even easier to microwave than real bacon because there isnít all that tasty grease to contend with, cleanup-wise. It doesnít taste quite as good, but itís a trade Iím willing to make, to spare myself dealing with cleaning the pan or whatever. When you microwave turkey bacon, you throw a few slices on a paper towel, throw another paper towel over the top, and you nuke it. Usually about five minutes does the job for me.

Itís not rocket science, as the expression goes, but that didnít stop me from screwing it up. See, I like my bacon crispy. This can get tricky when using a microwave, because some of the bacon stays soft in parts, while the edges can get overcooked. Itís usually not a big deal.

This morning, I was busy doing some other stuff, and the first time I pulled the bacon out, it still looked a little limp. I tossed it back in, set the timer for two minutes, and went back to what I was doing.

And then I smelled it. If youíve never inhaled the scent of burning turkey bacon, allow me to enlighten you: it smells like poop. Not in the expression sense of, ďeww, that smells like shit,Ē either. It smells exactly like a really foul-smelling (fowl-smelling joke optional) crap. But with fire involved. Iíve never actually smelled burning feces, but I imagine it smells pretty bad, and I imagine it smells a lot like burned turkey bacon.

My entire apartment smells like this right now.

My princess went downtown to do some teacher stuff this morning. When she left two hours ago, the place smelled like soap and perfume and a little like sugar, because thatís how she makes it smell. She had even done some cleaning, so there was the underlying scent of cleanliness.

Iím not real sure when sheís coming home, but Iím guessing that even if she was gone for a week, she would be welcomed home by the smell of burning poop.

Iíve cleaned the entire kitchen (including giving the inside of the microwave an intense scrubbing), Iíve sprinkled Carpet Fresh all over the place and vacuumed it up, Iíve taken out the trash. It doesnít smell as bad as it did, but it still smells.

Every fan in my house is running, the doors are open, and even the little vent in the bathroom is going.

And yetóburned turkey bacon smell.

See, this is why science shouldnít meddle with nature. Bacon was meant to be pig, and it was meant to be cooked over fire. Once you start trying to play Godóthatís when things go all wrong.

Sigh.

Hopefully Iíve learned my lesson.


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