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First-Of-The-Month Quotes: Origins by Ray Printer Friendly

There’s a story behind the first-of-the-month quotes, but it’s not a very interesting one. But as I’m not a very interesting guy, that’s what you’re stuck with.

It started out with a drunken phone call from some friends that were having a party. I happened to be sitting at my computer, and was able to type down some of the things they said as they said them. I didn’t have any real reason to do this, but when I woke up the next morning and discovered the random assortment of oddness on my monitor, I decided to post it.

This didn’t happen often, but it did happen another time or two, so when January rolled around and I got a desk calendar, I was already in the habit of writing down the funny, odd, or flat-out messed up shit people said to me, about me, or around me.

It has sort of evolved to the point that I keep my ears open in order to catch a good quote. I tried carrying around a pad for writing them down during the day, but that’s not convenient at all, and I look like a fat Jimmy Olsen or a crazy stalker when I do it. I still forget most of the funny shit I hear during the day, but at least now I try to remember.

I don’t honestly remember where most of this stuff comes from. At the first of the month, I tear off the page of my calendar, type down any quotes I have on there (I’ve discovered that I have to turn on a blacklight as some of the quotes are written in faded hi-lighter), and post it. Sometimes they make absolutely no sense to me, and sometimes they make entirely too much sense. And that’s the story of first-of-the-month quotes.

See? Told you it wasn’t interesting.

Anyway, here they are:



“Out of the past…”

.

“We all have broken magic, man. It’s the people that know how to make it work again who are special.”

.

“The acting is all bad in the future.”

.

“It’s gonna be true, and that’s gonna be a bad day.”

.

“What’s the expiration date on dreams?”

.

“His principles make him passive-aggressive.”

.

“I can’t do shit with this…it’s a fuckin’ rock. How am I supposed to save a rock?”

.

“How is the work going to flow? It has to flow. How will it flow. Will it flow?”

“I’m sure it will.”

“Flow?”

“Yeah.”

.

“They stole…his brain!”

.

“president, old lady, trailer home” (I don’t know what the hell this is, but it’s written where my quotes go, so in it goes.)

.

“You want to drink yourself to death, you do it with whiskey. Whiskey and gin, that’s pretty much the only way to drink yourself to death. Anything else, you aren’t really serious about it.”

“Really? What about vodka?”

“Vodka? Don’t waste my time. You can drink vodka at work, man. You aren’t gonna get fired. You drink whiskey at work, you lose your job, you’re serious about rock bottom. Vodka? Fuck vodka.”

“Oh.”

“Maybe rum. But rum is a different kind of thing.”

“What do you mean?”

“You can drink your life away with rum, but you do it on a beach somewhere, with a Hawaiian shirt that’s unbuttoned down to your belly button, and sandals. With rum, you fade out, though, you don’t burn out. Whiskey, you’re like a rock star when you go.”

“Tequila?”

“Tequila can kill you, but it usually involves a Mexican with a blade.”

(The above is paraphrased from an entire conversation. The quotes are all actual quotes, but the conversation wasn’t quoted in its entirety. It’s not important, but I felt like I would be keeping secrets if I led you to believe that this was exactly how the conversation went.)

.

“Naked hotdog? Naked hotdog!”

.

“Next thing you know, I’m in the bathroom buyin’ drugs from some guy, he’s pullin’ ‘em out of his penis…I don’t know, man. Where did I go wrong?”

.

“There’s nothing like drinking whiskey when you can’t fall down.”

.

“She’s got a vagina where her soul should be.”

.

“Maybe it’s all about the balance.”

.

“Your success makes me feel inconsequential.”

“Dude, I flip burgers for a living.”

“Yeah [sigh]…I know.”

.

“I just wanna tell ‘em: Look, I know heartbreak sucks, and I know it hurts, but you’ll survive this; you’ll get through this. And frankly, I’d like you a lot more if you were through it right now.”

.

“You can talk about saving the world with your fucking hybrid cars, but really what you’re doing is standing there frowning with your arms crossed. I’m glad gas prices are going to get so high—because that will force some dude in his garage to figure out a way to invent something that actually changes the world, as opposed to something that just allows dirty fuckin’ hippies to feel good about themselves.”

.

“Both of those options are so beautiful, it makes it so hard to choose: either you import wild wolves, or you get to hunt cats.”

.

“You’ve given your life to heavy boxes and seven dollars an hour.”

.

“Everybody out there that thinks the world is gonna end? They can suck my cock.”

.

“I don’t want to be necessary.”

.

“One day you’re gonna wake up and see what’s fuckin’ me.”

.

“Innovation is driven by need.”

.

“Can you imagine what it would be like to drown in whiskey?”

“I’m pretty sure that as long as I’m able to swallow, I never have to live in fear of drowning in whiskey.”

.

“The world changes. And you know what? Fuck it. People are scared of change. Things change—that’s called life. Things change, people change, it’s what happens, you know? But people are scared of it, and that doesn’t make sense to me. I’m excited about the future, you know why? I don’t want to hold on to what I got now—I want to reach for what’s coming next.”

.

“I end up second chair…because there’s this one mother fucker from Sweden…”

.

“Don’t blame me—I was out walking the duck.”

.

“Today we had a problem. Today we will not be serving Fillet ‘O Fish.”



So there you have it. You’re welcome.


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