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Act Your Age by Ray Printer Friendly

Two thirty in the morning, and I’m awake only because I fell asleep this afternoon and stayed that way for several hours. I’ve worked myself up into a pretty good state of fear, letting my imagination run wild and think about whatever it wants, so I’ve got myself jumping at shadows and noises.

It’s less than pleasant. That’s the bad thing about being a responsible adult awake in the middle of the night—if you scare yourself, you can’t just go wake someone up and make them talk to you. You’re supposed to be a grown-up, and grown-ups aren’t supposed to think about monsters and ghosts and zombies until they scare the shit out of themselves and have to go wake up a more responsible grown-up.

I’m drinking a cold glass of water with lime-juice and a cherry in it, and it’s pretty rockin’. I have a shot glass full of whiskey that has been sitting on the corner of my desk for most of the evening, and I’ve wondering when and if I’m going to get around to drinking it. And how many will follow after I do drink it.

It seems too late to start drinking, but I don’t have work tomorrow. Of course, I don’t think real adults do stuff like start drinking at 2:41 on a Sunday morning. I’ve been thinking a lot about growing up, lately. I feel sort of like I should do it.

I spent most of my youth proclaiming that growing up is something I would never do. But one thing I’ve noticed since moving up the ole age ladder is that people who don’t grow up aren’t cool, they’re just idiots. Generally, they’re pathetic idiots.

Look around you. Not while you’re reading this, but just as you’re stumbling through your day to day life. Notice the people that say things about never growing up. Notice the people that say they’re “young at heart.”

Honestly, if someone tells me that they’re young at heart, I just stop listening to them.

“It’s my birthday today.”

“Oh, yeah? Well, happy birthday.”

“Yep. The big five oh this year. But I’m young at heart.”

“Stop talking to me now.”

“My kids ar-”

“Seriously. Stop talking. I won’t listen, and now that you’re half a century old, you should probably start working on saving your breath.”

Because it seems like the only people I hear say it are the over-forty douche bags that were probably just as annoying when they were young, and the only chance they ever had at being an acceptable member of society was if they grew the hell up and quit being so freakin’ stupid. And they blow it by clinging to a youth that wants nothing to do with them anymore, and behavior that was once acceptable, if irritating, is now just creepy and sad.

I’m generalizing of course, but so what. Show me one old person that says they’re young at heart and still seems cool, and I’ll apologize. But I bet you can’t do it. It’s the same thing with teenage girls that say they’re “old souls.”

I don’t know what the hell is up with that, but teenage girls are the only ones that I’ve ever heard say this. News for you, honey: you aren’t an old soul, you’re just an egotistical jackass that always thinks you’re right. You don’t understand the world any more than any of the other lunatics running around in it, so just give it up.

“Old soul,” my ass, and “young at heart” the other side of my ass. It’s called delusion. Deal with it.

Entered By Dave Riley From Unknown
2006-08-27 20:38:20

It really frosts my aggies when geezers brag that they're "__ years young".

Entered By Ray From Austin
2006-08-28 02:24:06

That is hands-down one of the coolest sentences ever.

Entered By Ray From Austin
2006-08-28 02:26:25

Oh, and you just traumatized me with your author’s photo, Dave Riley, so thanks a lot for that. Everyone, go check out Dave Riley’s author photo—it’ll change your life forever.

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