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Today We Had A Problem by Ray Printer Friendly

I tried to go to bed like a normal member of society, but I just couldnít do it. Iíve been staring at my ceiling for about an hour now, thinking about that movie Donnie Darko, because for the longest time I couldnít remember how it ended. Finally I remembered, and then I didnít have anything to think about while I stared at the ceiling.

Itís hot as shit, which is pretty typical for Austin, but never fails to surprise me. Because itís always just so hot. Itís eighty-something degrees in my apartment right now. The air conditioner runs constantly, but it just doesnít do any good. Iíve been sitting around with a frozen block of gooóthey call it an ice pack, but itís not water in thereópressed to various body parts for the past few hours, but as soon as one body part cools down, another one has become hot, so itís pretty much a losing battle.

I used my new piece of exercise equipment this evening, and found out a way to make even more of my muscles sore, so that was exciting. I wish there was some use for my sweat, because I could make millions of dollars.

So I went to get some breakfast from McDonalds today, and they had a white piece of paper stuck to the place-your-order-here speaker. It was fastened with little red stickers that had the classic McDonalds arches on them. It was a sign, and the words were sloppily written with a read marker. It read:


Today we had a problem

Today we will not be serving Fillet O Fish

I just stared at it for a while before pulling up to the second window like I was instructed. I wanted that sign. It was almost like art, man. I donít know why, but there was something beautiful about it. And the wording was just perfect. Maybe it was because it was six in the morning, or maybe itís just that Iím a weirdo.

It really opens the doors of imagination, though, doesnít it? Nothing so bland as ďWe apologize, but there will be no fillet oí fish.Ē Nothing as terse as ďNo fish today.Ē


Today we had a problem

Today we will not be serving Fillet O Fish

What kind of problem, you think? Did it have anything to do with the fish? You remember that movie Airplane? Maybe it was something like thatópeople pulling out of the drive thru and keeling over in their cars, vomiting all over the place, whatever.

Maybe they found out that their entire shipment of fish had been loaded up with cocaine that drug smugglers were trying to smuggle through Customs, but a bungling cousin of the drug lordís wife screwed everything up, so instead of the fish going to some dock in Maine, where it could be off-loaded and distributed to playgrounds all over the northeast, it went to a Mickey Dís in Texas.

Or maybe when they went back to get the fish out of the freezer, they discovered a large dog napping on top of it. Or a dog and a mean-looking monkey with an eye patch, an automatic pistol and a fondness for sleeping on fish.

Or maybe the fish was still alive, and perhaps one of them was promising everyone one wish if only they would spare its life. But they only got the one wish between all of them, and they all had to agree on what it was, and while they were arguing about what would be the best wish, the fish slipped out the back door, taking all the rest of the fish with him.

I like to think that it was even more sinister than all of that, however.


Today we had a problem

Today we will not be serving Fillet O Fish

Man, I donít even know. Like I said, though, I really liked it. Iím going back tomorrow, with the hopes that itís still out there. If it is, Iím taking it. The question is, do I tell them that Iíve taken it, or just hide it underneath the car seat until I can get it home to treasure forever? An even more important question is this: Will taking it away from its natural place in the world detract from the beauty, the wonder, the perfection?

I hope not.


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