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Sneezing and Wine-ing by Ray Printer Friendly

I sat down tonight with a cheap bottle of wine, ready to write all kinds of stuff that would change your life and inspire the world to be a better place. But then my nose started running, I had a few sneezing fits, andÖwell, after that, I just didnít give a shit.

The wine is called Gato Negro, and itís a trick I recalled from my time in NYC, before I turned Trey into the whiskey-guzzling maniac that he is today. When I first arrived to the city, I was pretty much a Jack Danielís and beer kind of guy. A martini once in a while, even though they always seemed to get me into trouble. Oh, yeah, and aftershave, anti-freeze, and bug sprayówhatever I could keep the EMTs from pumping out.

When I went to New York, though, everybody seemed to be drinking wine. I was never a big wine guy, and yet here I am, at some bar that sells only wine. What was I supposed to do? Not drink? Ridiculous.

I eventually developed a taste for it. Donít get me wrongóIím not one of those people that can sit around discussing the shit. I donít even know what ďan earthy toneĒ means. I once asked, and as the person described it, I had to interject: ďWhat, like dirt? You like that wine Ďcause it tastes like dirt?Ē Wine connoisseurs donít talk to people like me much, and I donít blame them, really.

I like wine the way that Jack Kerouac liked wine: you drink it, you get drunk, and you have a good time.

Which is why this evening isnít working out too well. As soon an I took my first drink, my nose started running. Itís what it does, basically. Iíve always had allergies, but since I quit smoking, the shitís been exponentially worse. Iím not going to be the numb fuck that thinks smoking is actually healthy for you, but I do know that when I smoked, I could breathe, and when I stopped, I couldnít. Iím just stating facts here.

Anyway, I had a sneezing fit. I donít know how the average population has sneezing fits, but I donít screw around. Everyone I see, they sneeze once, twice, maybe three times. I do that shit for like ten minutes. Not quite rapid-fire, but close. If youíre talking to me, you might as well just go do something else for a while, because it's going to take a minute. If youíre riding in a car with me when I start sneezing, you should probably just start praying.

I havenít killed anyone yet, during a sneezing fit, but give it time.

Anyway, so right now, I can hardly breathe, my nose is so stopped up. Iím tired from the wine, and Iím pissy because I had big plans that are pretty much ruined from a runny nose. And yes, I consider posting something decent on this website as ďbig plans.Ē But I donít want your pity.

Also, I just now realized that most of my posts as of late have been me bitching about my physical ailments. I find that annoying. You visit The Strangelands, youíre suddenly visiting your perverted old grandpa, stuck for half an hour listening to stories about his operation. Exciting stuff.

Iíll try to do better next time, okay?


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