The problem with this month’s first-of-the-month quotes is that I heard most of them in person. Which means that I forgot most of them. Others are hastily written bits of gibberish scribbled on the backs of napkins, gum wrappers, and what looks like it might be a bandage.
I know that I’ve left off some of the real beauties, because although I can remember laughing long and hard at a certain time, I can’t remember what it was that made me laugh like that.
Anyways, I’ll try to do better next time.
“I come home from work everyday with the sorest butt crack you can imagine.”
“Look at that guy over there—driving and writing! What the hell is so important that he needs to write it down while he’s driving?”
“‘Ten things I could do to be a better driver.’”
“The drama is cancerous.”
“I am a poo bunny. Kneel before me.”
“I glow in the dark and I’m dead—what’s not to smile about?”
“When I see dogs having sex, I just have to stop and watch for a few minutes—I think it’s hilarious.”
“I’ve heard you can use the tears of lesbians to make a love potion.”
“Do your kids call you dad or daddy?”
“They call me Bringer of Darkness, and that’s just the way I like it.”
“Hey, I heard back about that job!”
“So you’re gonna be a real grave robber?”
“Uh, the other job.”
“After you’ve been married, you don’t really fear Hell like you used to.”
See? Not so many. As always, feel free to post your own, or email me something for next month.