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You're the Man Now, Dog by Ray Printer Friendly

So my princess made it back from NYC safe and somewhat sound. Very tired, as she was quite the party animal her last night there, but fine other than that.

Unless you count the fact that she has gotten into the bad habit of saying she wants a dog. Which I do. See, because she spent most of last week hanging out with Trey and Carey and the ball of allergen that Carey calls a pet. So thanks for that, Carey.

But as I recently got chastised for attacking Carey every time she writes about her freakiní dog on this site, Iím going to go in another direction here. Iím going to avoid ranting and raving about how terrible and wasteful little dogs are, and how sad people who own little dogs are. Because, as we all know, the only reason to own something that small is so you can play God. I mean, you basically decide if this thing lives or dies on a daily basis.

Other than that, thereís really no point to a small dog. You could make slippers out of them, maybe. Or they could be food, I guess, for real dogs.

A real dog, on the other hand, can kill you. If I ever get a dog, Iím gonna get one so tough that when I punch it in the face, it just shakes it off and then karate kicks me in the stomach. I want a dog that I can throw a saddle on and ride when I go out to fight crime at night. Heíll have earrings like a pirate, and instead of something sissy like a spiked collar, heíll have a collar made out of dynamite.

I will feed my dog only the cutest of animals (see picture above), the brains of only the most dangerous of criminals, and the black hearts of only the deadliest of ninjas.

My dog will shit wherever he wants to, and when he does, tourists will take pictures of it because itís that amazing. My dog will piss acid.

My dog will stay up late at night with me, drinking whiskey and posting shit on The Strangelands. He will be twice as funny as me, and three times as clever, but he wonít be able to type nearly as fast, because as super-awesome as he is, he still doesnít have opposable thumbs.

But that doesnít keep him from being able to use a machine gun. Which he will do, often and indiscriminately.

And one thing my dog will never, ever do is title his post with an outdated, totally over-used movie quote.


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