I have to get up early tomorrow, to accept a delivery, which isn’t nearly as erotic as it sounds. A truck full of poisonous chemicals is showing up, and I have to be there to unload it.
I was trying to get to bed early tonight, because you sort of want to be at the top of your game when you’re driving a forklift around with pallets of this nasty shit. Or, if not at the top of your game, at least somewhere in the middle. Or you want to understand where the game is being played, or perhaps the general direction of where it’s being played.
I’m screwed, come five o’clock tomorrow morning. And I don’t mean that in a good way.
I will not be on top of anyone’s game, and especially not my own. I will be groggy, tired, stupid, and hopefully very drunk. Wait, I meant to say “hopefully sober.”
Or did I? There’s really no telling, because I’m that much of a man of mystery. I travel the world, righting wrongs, talking into my watch, and accepting missions that will put my life in jeopardy. I’m like James Bond, but with a giant gut, a headache, and a drinking problem.
Bartender: “Let me guess: a martini—shaken, not stirred—right?”
Ray: “Just gimme the bottle. And stop looking at me like that—I’m not your drunken stepfather, all right?”
Bartender: “What? What the hell does that mean?”
Ray: “It means get me my drink and be quick about it.”
Notorious Villain: (walking up to the bar with a casual menace) “So, Mr. Ray, we meet again.”
Ray: “Do I…do I know you?”
Notorious Villain: “What do you mean, do you know me? I’m the notorious villain! I’m like, your arch-nemesis, you drunk bastard!”
Ray: “Oh. Yeah, I remember now.”
Notorious Villain: “You don’t remember! You’re just saying that so you don’t hurt my feelings! I meant nothing to you!”
Ray: “No, that’s not true—I remember you. You, uh…you totally rocked my world that night. With the timed bomb and the tank full of killer fish and the laser beam pointed at my crotch and stuff? Yeah, it was the scariest time ever—I didn’t know if I was going to make it out alive.”
Notorious Villain: “That wasn’t me! That was Dr. Snaggletooth! He’s the one with the fish tank! I knew it!”
Ray: “What? No, come on, don’t be like that. Dr. Snaggletooth meant nothing to me, okay? Nothing. You’re the only mad scientist with plans of world domination for me. I swear.”
Notorious Villain: “You’re lying! I hate you!” (runs away crying)
Ray: “Fuckin’ mad scientists, man—can’t live with ‘em, can’t live without ‘em. Say, where’s that bottle?”
Bartender: “You, uh, drank it all.”
Ray: “Oh. Well, get me another one, then.”
Man, do I ever rock ass.