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More First-Of-The-Month Quotes by Ray Printer Friendly

I didn’t do much talking this month, at least not any recreational talking, so my first-of-the-month quotes are pretty sparse. Also, I managed to forget quite a few before managing to get them written down, which makes it even, uh…sparser?

So, yeah, sorry about that. Try to enjoy, anyway, though, okay?

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“I think I just swallowed a bug.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes. And now I’m stuck wondering if I did it on purpose.”

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“In that case, my girlfriend’s blind, retarded sister has been killing Santa for the past two years.”

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“My cell phone just hung itself.”

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“He’s all, ‘I want you to give me a hundred percent,” and I told him no. I told him, ‘You’re only getting forty percent—maybe forty-six percent on a good day—and you’ll be happy with that.’”

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“Things have gone terribly wrong. My suicide weapon is talking to me of Rob Thomas.”

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“Do you sizzle anus much?”

“Yeah. Surprisingly, it doesn’t smell too bad—kinda like bacon.”

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“Why? Did you ever drink out of Alaska?”

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“You can still, you know—go—but you don’t have any ‘swimmers.’”

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“Why am I a son of a bitch? Because I don’t remember Running Man?

“No—you’re a son of a bitch because you don’t realize what I realize!”

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“This Econo-Lodge is awesome!

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“I can’t connect on a purely physical level. I need intelligence. Shared interests, good conversation, a strong personality. I need to know that she’s a person, you know? I need character. I need depth. Before I, you know, stick it in.”

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“Maybe you’ll come back from vacation, and you’ll be married.”

“I’m going to a family reunion.”

“Well, maybe with a cousin.”

“No, just stop-”

“Not a first cousin. Like maybe a third or fourth.”

“Just stop talking now, please.”

“That’d be all right, wouldn’t it? Barely even related.”

“I’m leaving now.”

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“The road to Hell is not paved with good intentions. It is paved with much inappropriateness…period.”


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