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More First-Of-The-Month Quotes by Ray Printer Friendly

I didn’t do much talking this month, at least not any recreational talking, so my first-of-the-month quotes are pretty sparse. Also, I managed to forget quite a few before managing to get them written down, which makes it even, uh…sparser?

So, yeah, sorry about that. Try to enjoy, anyway, though, okay?


“I think I just swallowed a bug.”


“Yes. And now I’m stuck wondering if I did it on purpose.”


“In that case, my girlfriend’s blind, retarded sister has been killing Santa for the past two years.”


“My cell phone just hung itself.”


“He’s all, ‘I want you to give me a hundred percent,” and I told him no. I told him, ‘You’re only getting forty percent—maybe forty-six percent on a good day—and you’ll be happy with that.’”


“Things have gone terribly wrong. My suicide weapon is talking to me of Rob Thomas.”


“Do you sizzle anus much?”

“Yeah. Surprisingly, it doesn’t smell too bad—kinda like bacon.”


“Why? Did you ever drink out of Alaska?”


“You can still, you know—go—but you don’t have any ‘swimmers.’”


“Why am I a son of a bitch? Because I don’t remember Running Man?

“No—you’re a son of a bitch because you don’t realize what I realize!”


“This Econo-Lodge is awesome!


“I can’t connect on a purely physical level. I need intelligence. Shared interests, good conversation, a strong personality. I need to know that she’s a person, you know? I need character. I need depth. Before I, you know, stick it in.”


“Maybe you’ll come back from vacation, and you’ll be married.”

“I’m going to a family reunion.”

“Well, maybe with a cousin.”

“No, just stop-”

“Not a first cousin. Like maybe a third or fourth.”

“Just stop talking now, please.”

“That’d be all right, wouldn’t it? Barely even related.”

“I’m leaving now.”


“The road to Hell is not paved with good intentions. It is paved with much inappropriateness…period.”


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