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Beverages by Ray Printer Friendly

You know what Iíve been doing a lot of lately? Drinking. And not alcohol, either. Just, you knowóliquids. Fluids. Mostly water, but other stuff as well. For instance, aside from the six bottles of water Iíve had to drink today, I also had a large cherry limeade from Sonic, several cups of coffee (no cream, no sugar), and some Gatorade. Oh, and maybe a Cokeóalthough it might have been yesterday that I had that.

I like Gatorade, and Iíll try just about any new flavor they throw out in the market. Glacier frost, mountain air, thunderstorm mist, whatever the hell they call it, Iíll drink it. My favorite is lemon-lime, though. You just canít beat a lemon-lime Gatorade when youíre really thirsty. All the other crap out there, you can keep it. When Iím really thirsty, I want Gatorade and then I want some water. Good water, though, real cold and real fresh. If itís just straight out of the tap, I want another Gatorade. I keep my water in a Brita pitcher, which I enjoy so much that I already wrote about it once. There is nothing like it. Iíve noticed that a lot of companies have shit on their bottles these days about how certain minerals were added for flavor. Thatís bullshit, man.

If I wanted flavor, I would drink whiskey, okay? That stuff has so much flavor that youíll puke if you drink too much of it. Water is supposed to be cold, clear, and flavorless. Iím looking at you, Gatorade, because whatís with this Propel nastiness?

Any of you out there had Propel? I bought some, because like I said, Iíve been drinking a lot of fluids lately, and I like to experiment. Ladies, you know what Iím talkiní Ďbout.

Actually, Iím talking about trying different beverages, and finding the one that suits my particular needs and wants the best. Propel, you fail.

If any of you have any of this in your refrigerator, go dump it out right now. If itís in there because you havenít had a chance to taste it, allow me: You know when you make some Kool-Aid, and you drink it all, but thereís still some ice in there? And then the ice melts, and thereís just this crazy watered-down stuff? Itís like that, but if a bum came by and accidentally dropped his rotted-up liver in there.

I mean, I had that first drink, and then started contemplating adding a little bleach and selling it to junior high kids and telling them it was berry-flavored vodka.

If you have any of this in your refrigerator because you actually enjoy the flavor, you need to go to the doctor right away, because someone has obviously stolen your taste buds. Or maybe you should go to the copsóIím not sure what the protocol is when you get pieces of your body swiped.

I drank every stinkiní bottle of that gunk, though, because thatís how thirsty I get when Iím at work. Also, I really like the bottlesóIíve filled them all back up with water repeatedly. They seem to keep the liquid cooler for a longer period of time, but Iím guessing thatís probably just my imaginationóthey trick me good by putting it in a blue bottle.

So Gatoradeóstop it. You make a sports drink, and we like it. Powerade can lick your balls, okay? Youíre the top dog. Go ahead and make new flavors until your little heartís content. But stop with the water, okay? Just. Stop.

Oh, and energy beer. I bought some of this out of pure curiosity, and there are still two cans in the fridge. It was a four-can pack. You know how I was describing Propel a minute ago? This shit is like that, but instead of just dropping his diseased liver in there, the alcoholic bum dumped in some of his Mad Dog 20/20. Maybe it gives you energy, but Iím guessing you use all of that extra energy running to the bathroom to vomit, rather than doing fun stuff like sitting around with your friends. Or, you know, sitting around in dark rooms, writing hate mail to the local Girl scout troop and chuckling maniacally. Whatever it is you do for fun when youíre drinking.

I spent fifty bucks at the grocery store last weekend, I get home, unload my groceries and realize that I have a frozen pizza, some peanut butter, and about forty bucks worth of beverages.

And one more thing about drinks. The other day, my princess and I went out to eat. I always seem to get iced tea when I go out to eat, I donít know why. My princess usually alternates between Coke and Sprite, and sometimes sheíll throw in hot chocolate, just to spice things up. If itís early, I get coffee, but otherwise, iced tea.

Weíre sitting there, eating, drinking, being not quite merry, but still having a pretty great time, and the lady thatís serving us comes by. She points at my glass, ďYou want more tea?Ē

ďYes, please,Ē I tell her, because Iím very cordial at restaurants.

ďAnd you want another Coke?Ē

ďYes,Ē my princess answers. So we get our drinks. About ten minutes later, the lady walks by again, and asks, ďHow are we doing on fluids?Ē

I didnít even know how to respond. Iíve heard them called drinks, beverages, sodas, whatever. But it was just so odd to be asked how I was doing on fluids. I got defensive, of course, because thatís what I always do when I donít understand something. ďMy fluids are freakiní awesome, lady, I donít care what youíve heard. People come from all around for a glimpse of my fluids! They use my fluids in concrete to make super-strong buildings, thatís how my fluids are! You donít believe me? Iíll show my fluids right now!Ē

I didnít get any more refills, but I got a police escort out of the building, so I guess it all evened out.


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