I’ll be honest with you, kids—I got nothin’. I mean, my brain is fried. In fact, I’ve started this third sentence over and over, and can’t come up with anything better than this.
I almost fell asleep in the shower earlier, and it wasn’t even for fun. Working these lousy-long days, staying up too late, and still managing to look dashing and handsome. It’s hard. Tomorrow is Friday, though, and theoretically, I should be home by around noon or so. Of course, last time I thought that, I ended up working all damn day long. It’s like that movie Office Space, except for instead of just waiting for a computer to shut down, I’m on a forklift, and instead of ducking down behind a cubicle, I’m totally exposed. Maybe I should just drive away in the forklift—they’d just think I was doing something work-related, but next thing they know, BANG! I’m home watching cartoons.
I would love to take a forklift out into Austin traffic. Some guy cuts me off without his blinker, at the next stoplight, I tip him over. Sometimes when I’m sitting around thinking how totally freakin’ rockin’ it would be to have super powers, I think about how great doing stuff like that would be. Like somebody cuts you off, you just jump out, grab his car and throw it. Not very far—just far enough so that it breaks all the glass and explodes his tires. What would be even better is if you talk to him first.
You jump out at the stop light and walk up to his window, “Hey, jerk.”
“You got a problem?”
“Yeah, man, you cut me off like an asshole!”
He gets out of his car, he’s about six and a half feet tall, all muscles and shit, and he’s ready to intimidate. “Who you callin’ an asshole?”
“I’m calling you an asshole. Does looking like a mutated erection make it hard to hear, or what?”
And then, just when he’s ready to fight, you just sort of turn around. “Get this shit outta my way,” you say, and casually toss his SUV about three miles down the road, where it bursts into flames. And then you go back to your car and drive away, flipping him off.
This is one of the many reasons that life didn’t see fit to grant me super powers. Because as much as I like super heroes, I could never be one. As sad as it is to admit, I would be a super villain. I’m not bragging about it, I’m just sayin’.
X-ray vision? Get outta town, you know? What am I gonna do with x-ray vision? You know what I’m gonna do. You know, I know, and apparently the powers that be knew all too well, because I don’t have x-ray vision. Super speed? I’d probably just steal shit. You know, real fast.
I can’t think of a single super power that I wouldn’t use in a villainous way, to tell you the truth. I mean, I wouldn’t want to take over the world or anything, but I would definitely use my powers for my own selfish wants. Even that ring that Green Lantern wears—I bet I would use that for some crazy freaky sex stuff. The only thing I wouldn’t know how to mis-use would be Aquaman’s powers. You know—communicating with fish and shit. I guess I could ride a dolphin to the orgy or something, I don’t know. Or maybe lure the fish to shore for commercialized fishing companies, Chicken of the Sea or something—make some big bucks. Oh, and I would also get sharks to wear saddles, so that maybe some monkeys could ride them around or something. Because how slick would that be, seeing a monkey riding the ocean on the back of a great white? I’ll tell ya how slick: totally slick! Go monkey shark-riders, go! Humanity had a chance—now it’s your turn.
Speaking of which, I doubt I’d help people if I had super powers. I mean, sure, sometimes I would help out. Like if there was a school bus full of children stalled out on the train tracks, I would make sure that none of them suffered needlessly after the train hit them. And if I saw some dog-owner let their dog shit all over the place and then not clean it up, I would for sure burn that dog to death with my heat vision and then rub the owner’s face in the burned up carcass and the pile of poop, all at the same time, so they’d have something to think about next time they decide not to clean up after their nuisance. But other than that, I doubt I would do much for humanity. I guess I could use my powers to build a big kitchen, and have a shelter and all that. Feed the homeless…to my monkey sharks. I like the sound of that. Fatten up the homeless until they make a succulent meal for my evil army of the sea.
Shucks. See what I mean about being a villain?