So Iím supposed to be packing. Got to go to a wedding this weekendónot mine. My little brother is getting hitched tomorrow, super duper.
If you know at all, or if youíve ever read anything that Iíve written, you can probably figure out that weddings arenít my thing. I think itís safe to say that I detest weddings. To me, weddings are like torturing other people with your happiness. ďLook, Iím happy, Iím in love! Are you? No? Well sit here in this uncomfortable chair in this uncomfortable suit and watch how Iím so happy that Iím willing to sacrifice the rest of my life to prove it.Ē
Iíve got my princess, so at least I wonít be sitting there thinking about how everyone has love but me, but Iím sure Iíll still manage to be bitter. Actually, Iím going to be standing up at the frontóa groomsman, or whatever itís called. Itís my brother, so Iím doing it, and Iím doing it without complaint. But hereís a tricky question for you:
How fun do you think itís going to be for me to stand my fat ass up in front of a building full of strangers?
One thing Iíve done since childhood is make an ass out of myself. In junior high, there was some sort of banquet, right? I went with this chick that was on the student council, which meant that I had to sit right up in front, at the head table. So weíre eating, eating, Iím being cool about things (even though I was sitting my fat ass in front of a room full of people, sweating too much and looking like a complete penis). So some guy gets up to give a speech about somethingóI donít even know whatóand right in the middle of it, I eat an M&M. A Peanut M&M, actually. It was there on my plate (for some reason, they served a little dish of Peanut M&Ms on the side of the plateóit was supposed to look fancy, I think, but really it just looked a bit surreal). I just picked it up and put it in my mouth without thinking about it. I bit down on the candy shell that will melt in your mouth but not in your hand, enjoying the chocolaty goodness, when the peanut suddenly shot back and lodged in my throat.
Have you ever heard anyone say they were so embarrassed that they could die? They have no idea what theyíre talking about. Me, Iím sitting there at this head table, thinking about how this is the only reputation Iím going to get, at least until I graduate high school and move away, and this peanut has somehow managed to make it to where I canít breathe. And Iím seriously wondering what would happen if I just didnít tell anyone. In the end, I decided that I didnít want to be the kid that got killed by a peanut, plus I started coughing without meaning to.
So this guy is giving this speech, Iím coughing and hacking (the peanut came loose with the first cough, but it scratched the shit out of my throat, and I couldnít stop coughing), drinking my water, drinking my dateís water, making a total ass out of myself.
Sadly, thatís not the only time shit like this has happened to me. I donít deal well while standing in front of large groups of people. Like death by firing squad would be the absolute worst for me. ďDo you have any last requests?Ē
ďJust shoot me, already!Ē
ďDo you understand the charges that have been brought ag-Ē
ďShut up and shoot me, you dick!Ē
ďSir, it is my duty to read th-Ē
ďYour daughter gives great head.Ē
At weddings, though, you canít even get people to shoot you. You say something about oral sex, and you just end up a social outcast, which is pretty much what Iím trying to avoid in the first place.
So, yeah, I plan on having a great time. Iím getting a stunt double for my wedding, I think. Maybe I can rent Shamu, the Sea World Orca. Thatís probably what I look like in a tux, anyways. He can stand up there and deal with the stress and the nervousness, Iíll sit in the back and eat Oreos.
Anyways, I guess I better get in gear. Iím supposed to be packing. Got to go to a wedding this weekend.