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Humanity by Ray Printer Friendly

Maybe itís just the Christmas carols talking, or maybe itís just that Iím a softy, but sometimes I feel like maybe humanity isnít so bad.

Donít get me wrongóI think this planet would be doing better off if it lost about 99% of its human population (picked by me, of course), but Iím feeling a warm spot for it at the moment. I couldnít sleep this morning. I woke up at three, and then just stared at the ceiling for a while, thinking about how I should have bought an X-Box 360 and then sold it on E-Bay.

One thing about retail is that thereís a really high turnover rate. I still have some of my old Circuit City shirts, and I contemplated just walking up and telling the new guys that I worked there. You know, so I could get in before the rest of the suckers that were waiting to get the newest gaming consoleÖto sell on E-Bay. Anyways, I donít know why I was thinking about that, but every time I was just about to doze back off, it would pop back into my mind.

Then I started thinking about how itís just about time for me to dive back into the job market. As much as I hate working, and as much as I hate jobs, and as much as I hate people, I just donít feel right about hanging around with no income. Freakiní stupid work ethic.

Anyways, thatís just a depressing thing to think about when youíre on hiatus, so I decided that rather than lay in the dark and contemplate it, I would get up and make some breakfast. I had some blueberries I had bought a while back to make smoothies with, so I decided to put them to good use and make muffins. Iíve never made muffins from scratch before, but with the help of the internet, cooking just isnít the mystery it used to be.

One thing Iíve been doing a lot of since I quit my job is stuff around the house. Iím gonna have to go ahead and call it housewifey stuff, basically just to alienate any female readers I have out there. Sorry, ladiesóyou practically begged for this with all of your feminine mystique.

Back to topic: so I was mixing my muffin batter this morning, thinking about humanity, and contemplating my evil plan for global domination. I used to wonder why bad guys always wanted to take over the worldóto me, it always seemed sort of like battling an entire city for control of a broken-down VW van that was infested with roaches and filled with fast-food containers. But Iíve decided that maybe they didnít want to rule really. Just have everyone be like, ďYeah, youíre the greatest. You really kicked all our asses this time.Ē And theyíre all, ďGood. Glad you could finally admit that. All right, then. Ummm, hereís your planet backóIíve got a better one on the other side of the galaxy anyways. So long.Ē

My plan after dominating globally mostly consists of killing the shit out of every soccer mom on the road. I swear, man, Iím passing a law first thing: any minivan on the road will immediately be rocket launchered. No questions asked, I donít care. SUVís, too. If you have that many kids, where you warrant a vehicle that big, you need to be staying your ass off the road. Iíve been around kids, man. You load six of the little bastards in a vehicle and then take off at seventy miles an hour, itís like youíre trying to kill someone. And if you don't have that many kids, you're just an asshole with a huge vehicle. How many lives per gallon, you son of a bitch?

Old people will all be given little golf carts, and thatís how they get around, because I donít want them on the road anymore, either. Whatís old, you ask? I think thatís going to have to be a case-by-case basis, I guess, but if you have a handicapped license plate, you qualify. Yeah, I know thatís not really fair to young people that happen to be handicapped, but so what. I would say that about 90% of the time I get behind someone with one of those special license plates, the person behind the wheel is driving like they have shit stuffed in every one of their headholes. I apologize to the other 10%--you just have to take one for the team. Thatís the price you pay for good parking spots, I guess.

And if you donít use your blinker, you get a finger ripped off. YeahÖripped off, I said. Not cut. If youíre going to swerve in front of my car with less than a foot to spare, I think the least you can do is move your hand a little to signal me that youíre going to be doing it. Which leads me to my next law: people cutting off other people in trafficóyou get pulled over and everyone that feels like stopping can come over and slap you in the face. And talk trash about the way you drive, because thatís the only way youíre ever going to learn.

Thatís all for now, but only because I have things to do, and I really need to be wrapping this up. I started this post out by saying that maybe humanity isnít so bad. I must have been thinking of some other sort of ďity,Ē though, because humans are messed up.

My bad.


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