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Contemplating That First Shot by Ray Printer Friendly

You know whatís fun? Knocking back those first couple of shots and then realizing that not only did you not eat today (that plastic container of green beans from the refrigerator that I had for breakfast doesnít count), but there isnít really anything to eat tonight, either. Good oleí goiní to bed drunk.

Actually, that paragraph was just to upset you. I ate today. And I havenít even started drinking yet. I just wanted you to read it, and shake your head all sad, and go, ďOh, that RayóI really worry about him.Ē And then youíll gather all your friends, and we can have an intervention for me, but because I rock so much ass, it will turn into a wild party instead, weíll invite all the neighbors, get everybody wasted, and then break out the camcorders. From there, Iíll sell the DVDs on late-night TV for the low, low price of only 1999, and if you order now, youíll also get this wild keychain in the shape of that notorious turkey leg! And the stuff thatís too hardcore to put on the DVDs, Iíll use that to blackmail important people.

And then Iíll just sit back and enjoy the good life, right up until I have that heart attack. And Iíll come to for just a few moments in the ambulance, Iíll be all, ďTell my wife that I love her.Ē And theyíll all just laugh and tease me, because my wife left years agoóshe got tired of living with such a fat mess of shit that just hung around eating tacos all day and stinking up the bedroom at night. And Iíll realize that none of it was worth it; none of the fame, the glory, the money. Because what did it cost me? My love, my friends and family, my pride, my self respect. And then, just before I can repent of my evil ways, Iíll die.

And then, at my funeral, everyone will start to party, because even dead, I rock that much ass. And my illegitimate child can take over where I left off, but hopefully he wonít make the same mistakes I did.

End credits.

Entered By From
2007-09-29 18:37:37

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