Home Login Contact
Sections

Galleries

Authors

Issues
Exercising My Demons by Ray Printer Friendly

So I知 bringing in groceries the other day, right? I get them all carried up the stairs, and I知 trying to not huff and puff so much that my princess realizes I知 a complete punk-ass, you know? But because she痴 really observant, and because I知 a fat bastard that痴 all huffing and puffing and practically pissing myself out of exhaustion because I知 so out of shape, she catches on.

添ou okay? She asks.

添eah, man, I知 cool. My heart is about to explode, but other than that, I知 good. That痴 the kind of comment I make all the time. I don稚 know if any of you have picked up on it or not, but I tend to exaggerate on occasion, mostly so that people will think I知 cool, but also so I can get free snacks.

She was having none of the free snack business, though. Quite the opposite, in fact. She tries to make me sit on the bed, she痴 trying to feel my heart, all kinds of dramatic shit.

I jump off the bed and dash across the room. 展hat are you doing? I ask her.

添ou need to sit down and take it easy揺ow痴 your heart doing?

的t痴 doing just fine. Kinda pissed that you池e getting all up in it痴 face, though.

的 just worry about you.

Holy shit. She worries about my heart, for Pete痴 sake. I suppose it could be romantic if she was talking in a symbolic sense, you know? Like, 添ou致e given your heart to me, and I will keep it safe always, like that kind of worry. Cheesy, but not as bad as, 滴ey, fat-ass, don稚 worry about the groceries悠 don稚 want you dropping dead on the floor trying to carry some eggs upstairs.

I知 kind of torn on this issue. On one hand, I could probably get out of carrying the groceries for a long time: 的 want to carry those seventeen three-liter bottles of soda up two flights of stairs, baby, but you worry about my heart.

On the other hand, I have this girl worrying about my heart. If you池e an old person or a coke addict, you worry about your heart. Otherwise, it痴 one of those things that痴 supposed to do it痴 job and stay out of your shit, you know?

I don稚 know悠致e been thinking about doing some sort of get-in-shape thing for a while now, I just mostly lack the willpower. My brother痴 getting married this December (congratulations, bro苧I値l try to be on my best behavior, but I promise nothing), and I don稚 want to be immortalized in any of his wedding pictures as something The Blob would avoid eating on general principle. 鉄o daddy, what is this thing beside you? Did a cholesterol truck tip over at your wedding?

哲o, son, that痴 your uncle Ray, back when he was still with us.

滴e looks disgusting! Is that why you池e always saying that you池e glad he痴 dead?

哲o, son, I say that for many other reasons傭ut none of those are for bedtime. Now let痴 get your teeth brushed, sport!

Anyways, so I decided to try to get in some sort of shape (other than the shape of a pasty fat man). I was considering going on some sort of diet (my favorite being Atkins, as you still get to eat meat and drink hard liquor), but after some words with Trey, I have changed my mind. I知 going to give this working out thing another shot, I guess.

In case you致e forgotten, I tried to exercise a few months ago by swimming. Yeah, that didn稚 last at all耀omething about waking up at the crack of dawn and exposing your fat, naked belly to the entire world just didn稚 sit well with me. Plus I had to start waking up even earlier to go to work and all that. Instead of going in at nine, I now go in at seven, which means that in order to get my princess to work on time, too, I have to wake up at like five in the morning. Which means if I wanted to go swimming, I would have to get up at like four. Not interested.

Going swimming after work is out of the question, of course, because by that time, there are innocent bystanders hanging about the pool that would probably go into some sort of shock if they were exposed to my giant belly. And even though I don稚 like people as a rule, I don稚 truly want to torture anyone.

Anyways, so I致e got some equipment, I知 lifting the weights, doing some sit-ups, stuff like that. I don稚 know if it痴 actually going to help with my enormous gut or not, but it really hurts, and makes me feel like puking, so I feel like it痴 got to be doing a little good, right? I mean, anything that can keep me from eating isn稚 all bad (with a few exceptions, including傭ut not limited to謡atching old people have sex, a live operation of any sort, or some guy get kicked in the balls so hard that his eyes bleed).

I don稚 honestly know how long this will last, or if it will even do any good, but I知 tired of being a fat dumpy bastard, and I felt like I at least needed to do something.

And just so you know, I started writing this post before Trey went off about how he outgrew one store and had to move to another, but then he had to get all worldly and talk about the Katrina situation. I realized how shallow it was for me to be complaining about being fat when there were people who had nothing, and I just didn稚 feel like posting it.

But as I generally don稚 have many ideas, and as it痴 pretty easy to write about being fat, I知 posting it now. I知 not going to mention anything about Louisiana , other than to offer my condolences. Me talking about serious stuff is sort of like a clown giving a eulogy, or an old bun-haired librarian talking about getting her nut off擁t just seems wrong on some fundamental level of being, and it should be avoided.

Before we go, I would like to mention that the spelling in the title of this post was a very clever play on words, not a mistake. Just so you know. I don't mind people thinking I'm a moron, but they should at least think that for the right reasons, right?

Anyways, I guess that痴 it. Night, Li値 Homies.


Comments:


Add Comment:
Name: Location: