It’s Sunday night, and I find myself in front of the computer once more, dreading the job that I have to go to at seven tomorrow morning. And maybe it’s not actually the job that I dread, as much as the time of the day that I have to go…nah, it’s the job, I think. There’s just something real shitty about having to stand behind a counter all day while people bitch at you. Maybe it’s just me, I don’t know.
I was thinking the other day about good ways to get out of going to work. By writing them down on this website, all of these are rendered useless for me, but maybe you can use them, if you ever get desperate enough. And desperation it is, man, because at my job, they never believe you’re sick. There was this guy, he’s worked there for three years, and he called in sick for the first time a couple months ago. I heard my bosses standing around talking about it: “He’s bullshitting—he didn’t want to come in because of the recount.” That’s the first time he’s missed work in three years, man. What the hell is wrong with these people? I don’t know, and it is not my mission tonight to try to find out.
My mission tonight is to tell you some good ways to get out of work. It’s not just about lying—anyone can lie. What we’re going for tonight is to skip work and then remove any shadow of a doubt as to authenticity of your claim.
Lots of people will tell you that diarrhea is the way to go—the rationale being that the more disgusting and humiliating it is, the more people will believe you. I mean, you aren’t going to admit to something like that if it isn’t true, right? Wrong, man. It’s been played out. Even if you actually do have a wicked case of the shits, you’ll be scorned for missing work for such a pathetic reason. But that whole, “disgusting and humiliating” thing, we can work with that.
If you’re a guy and you have a boss that’s also a guy, here’s a fool-proof way to get at least two (but up to four, if you play it right) days off. Figure out what time you’re usually getting dressed in the morning, and that’s when you make the call. Make sure it’s the time you’re getting dressed when you’re on time, though—if you go to work at nine and it takes you an hour to work, make sure that you call at least an hour and a half early.
Then what you do is, you grab a pillow and hold it over your face. Holding it securely over your face, scream into it as loud and as hard and as long as you can. Repeat this about four times, and then run a couple quick laps through your house. Then you make the call:
“This is Larry.”
“Hey Larry,” you say, and if you’ve done the scream/jog tactic right, your voice should sound all cracked and hysterical, and you should be out of breath. “Listen—I’m going to have to miss work today…maybe tomorrow, too.”
“What? You know we have that big Donovan presentation this week—I really need you at work. Why?”
“The thing is—man, this is so embarrassing. I was going to try to get to the office a little early, so I was rushing to get dressed, and I, uh…man. I wasn’t paying attention when I zipped up, and I…I can’t get it to stop bleeding, you know?”
“Oh! Oh, shit!”
“Yeah, it’s um…it’s pretty bad.”
“Oh, shit. I mean—you got it zipped up?”
“Just the, ah, the tip, kind of. And then, I flinched and yanked it o-”
“Aah! Just…just shut up! I don’t want to hear anymore.”
“Yeah. I mean, I hate to miss work, but-”
“No, listen, that’s fine. Holy shit! Yeah, just, uh, just take all the time you need.”
“I appreciate it, Larry. Well, listen, I’m gonna go get some rubbing alcohol to-”
You’ll have to pay for this later, make no mistake about it. I mean, from now on, you’ll be known at the office as the guy that can’t get his pants on without tearing his dick up, but if you have a job anywhere as terrible as mine, it will be well worth it. And like I said—if you play your cards right, you can even stretch it out. Just keep calling your boss and saying things like seepage and stitches. I suggest calling in on a Tuesday or Wednesday with this one, so that you can stretch it into an extra-long weekend. Just be sure you remember to limp pretty good when you get back to work the next week. That can work to your advantage, too, because he’s not going to tell you to hurry up if you’re hobbling down the hall real slow—which means that you can spend more time gimping around the office and less time working.
I suppose it doesn’t remove any and all doubt as to whether your claim is genuine, but believe me—no guy is going to want to dwell on what someone really looks like after getting Mr. Happy beheaded on the train tracks, you know?
And that concludes our lesson for tonight. Tune in next time for another great work-dodging class.