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Video Games and Appliances by Ray Printer Friendly

I woke up a little after the crack of dawn this morning, and I turned on the oleí PS2. I then proceeded to play Prince of Persia (The Warrior Within) for ten hours straight. I stopped for a little bit to throw some orange-glazed cinnamon rolls in the oven, and a couple times to wash my hands, but other than that, I pretty much sat in front of the TV all day.

Around five-thirty, I got up and made some soup. Thatís my day, boys and girls. Can you stand the excitement? I love days when I donít have to do anything, and then I donít. I mean, can you think of one good reason to sit in front of the TV all day playing video games? I suppose it keeps me from going out and poisoning homeless people, but to be honest, I probably wasnít going to be doing that, anyways.

Playing the video games, it was a complete waste of time, completely non-productive. I loved it. I suppose I should make up for it nowówash the dishes or clean the kitchen or something, but Iím not going to. Instead, Iím posting something on the internet. Thatís productive, right? (sarcasmóitís a neat tool for beginners or old pros)

Anyways, since I sat around doing nothing all day, Iíve fallen victim to the lazy hazeóIím completely beat from doing absolutely nothingóand I think Iím going to go to bed now.

Or maybe I wonít.

.

.

Yeah, that going to bed thing didnít work out at all. Iíve been looking around, and Iíve discovered things in my kitchen that I actually donít know how to cook. Hush puppies. In the instructions on the back of the box, they talk about tossing spheres of dough into the hot oil. What? Where do I have this hot oil (itís supposed to be at least 375į)? Not my bathtub, thatís for sureómy landlord made a specific law about that after my last incident involving fish sticks and propane. I donít even have a pan deep enough for the things theyíre demanding of me.

I have rice sticks. You know what those are? I donít. I thought they looked cool, so I bought them. Hereís my princess: ďWhat do you do with rice sticks?Ē

Hereís me: ďAre you serious? You donít know what to do with rice sticks? Dang, girl, is Texas the only state that teaches anyone anything? Iím not even going to tell you, you know it? Iím just going to show you and then youíre gonna be all, ĎOh, hey, why didnít I think of that?í and Iím gonna be all, ĎBecause youíre not from Texas, sugar-doll, but you sure are cute as all get-out.í ĎWhat do you do with rice sticks?í Baby, you kill me!Ē

But what the hell do you do with rice sticks?

It looks like spaghetti, but it isnít spaghetti. Is it rice? Really big rice? I donít know, man, but I think Iím just going to throw some chicken on it and serve it with soy sauce. You canít go wrong with that, can you? Just in case, I should probably pick up some Taco Bell the night I decide to cook the rice sticks.

So Iíve been thinking about what kitchen appliance I want to buy next. Iím torn, man. I mean, I guess I could buy a Fry-Daddy, and that would pretty much solve my issues about cooking up hush puppies (as well as solving any worries my princess might have about me living longer than three more years, as Iíll be frying freakiní everything). I donít have a toaster, which is a little disturbing on an entirely different level. I donít like going into a house without a toaster, if you want to know the truth. It seems too abstract, too static. I walk into a house and discover that it doesnít have a toaster, I immediately suspect that itís a government set-up, and Iím being abducted. Because who the hell doesnít have a toaster, you know?

Even the lonely, whiskey-swilling detective, he has toast for breakfast. Itís disturbing, not being able to make toast. Becauseójust between me and youóIíve always had the sneaking suspicion that Iím in cahoots with the G to abduct me.

Or the blender. This is a good one. Itís a tough call. Because hereís what Iíve discovered in life: if you have a blender, you donít need it; but hereís the amazing thing: if you donít have a blender, you will need one every day, for the rest of your life, right up until the second you buy one.

I want to make smoothies, and I want to make daiquiris, and I want to make all of those apples pay for the things that theyíve done to me. You canít do those things without a blender.

But whatever. Right now, what I need most is a pillow. Feel free to inform me of what my next appliance should beójust like those crazy Duke boys, do it the only way you know how. Night, Liíl homies.


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