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Stupid Story About Suds by Ray Printer Friendly

So Carey decided to step in for a dance, I see, dropping my name like the social climber she is. In case you’re wondering what kind of social climber she is, the answer is “terrible”—you don’t hang around with guys like Trey and I and expect to ever meet any important people.

I like the fact that she said she wanted to slap me with kindness. That’s how it works, man—even if you try to be kind, there’s violence. Anyways, welcome back, Carey.

Moving on: I was in the shower this morning, and I ended up getting soap in my nose. Don’t bother asking how I managed to do it—that’s a story you want no part of, believe me. The point is, I ended up inhaling a bunch of suds, and I haven’t really stopped sneezing since then.

At one point in my life, I worked as a plumber’s apprentice-in-training. Yes, that’s actually what the job was called, officially. Unofficially, it was called lots f other things, usually by me, and they weren’t very nice. The job entailed all manners of nastiness—everything from removing bucket-loads of used toilet water to floundering around in septic tanks to digging ditches for eight hours straight. I was young, and I needed the money.

Anyways, there was this guy that I used to work with a lot—he drove the big equipment, like when there were ditches needed diggin’ and couldn’t be done by no shovel. One day, during our break, he noticed that my nose was all stopped up (when you’re jumping in and out of ditches, digging nonstop, and running to fetch tools constantly, it becomes very apparent very quickly if you’re mouth-breathing). He told me that what I needed to do was go home that night, lather up a big handful of soap suds, and snort it. For about ten minutes following that, our conversation went like this:

“You want me to snort soap suds? Bullshit.”

“I’m serious, man—it works.”

“Soap suds? No way.”

“It works, I’m telling you.”

“Are you serious?”

“Yeah.”

“Soap suds?”

And on and on and on—I’m sure you get the picture. I went home that night and did not snort soap suds, because that just sounds like a stupid idea, you know? I went to work the next day, I told him that I had snorted soap suds, and he just about peed himself laughing. “Hurts like a bitch, don’t it?” He asked me, still laughing. I then told him that I hadn’t done it. He didn’t believe me, and kept laughing.

The point of that drawn out bit of rambling is this: I bet it works. Because when I got that soap up my nose, I immediately went into like a ten-minute sneezing fit. After that, my nose continued to run, and although the sneezes became intermittent, they didn’t really seem to stop.

Yeah, so that was important.


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