Sunday night, and I should be going to bed…again. But I won’t…again. I hate going to bed, man, I really do. So I’m sitting here, the TV’s on, but I’m not really watching it—The Simpsons is a rerun that I’ve seen about two hundred and sixteen times, and there’s nothing else worth watching.
I saw a Chevrolet commercial a minute ago, it was one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen. I mean, even for a car commercial, this one is stupid. It starts out immediately, this giant, gas-guzzling vehicle is driving up a freakin’ mountain—just like every truck commercial, basically. This one is different, though. Because as this monstrosity barrels up the mountain, a bunch of ducks fly out of the way.
Yeah, man—ducks. I don’t know why, I don’t know what they’re doing there. But just as soon as the commercial starts, they’re flying away, it looks like they’re narrowly avoiding being run down by the Chevy. The commercial goes on like every other commercial for a few minutes: some ass-hat screaming about financing and low low rates for qualified buyers, blah blah blah. And then, as the commercial is ending, there’s another quick shot of some huge vehicle on the mountain again. You know what it’s doing this time?
It’s running over rocks, right? Because that’s what the mountain is made of. And as he runs over the rocks, they explode! Yes, that’s apparently how tough these vehicles are, these Chevrolets, is that if you drive up a mountain in one, it will destroy the mountain. I have to wonder about the advertising executives that made this one.
“Yeah, so we’ve been thinking—what is it that people want in an SUV?”
The corporate guy that’s paying for these guys to think up ideas, he’s stumped. “I, uh…I don’t know. Isn’t that what I’m paying you guys to know?”
“It was a rhetorical question, you moron. When someone goes out to buy an SUV, they don’t want affordability, they don’t care about good gas mileage.”
“Well, it’s called a Sports Utility Vehicle. Do they want it to do sporty, utility-ey things?”
“Of course not! Have you seen the people that are buying your products? Soccer moms that have no idea how to drive, over-aggressive males with small penises that need to prove something, and spoiled little rich kids that get to pick out just about any car and daddy will buy it. People don’t use these vehicles to drive up mountains or bungee jump or whatever the hell else we advertise them to do! They do it because they see black people doing it on MTV! They do it because they want to be cool, they want to be trend-setters, even if the trend has been set long ago and is already overdone and stale! But most of all, people buy these things because they have absolutely no respect for the planet! Look at me, I’m in a giant vehicle—I don’t care about fuel consumption or what I’m doing to the planet, because it doesn’t matter! I’m too cool to care! That’s the main thing. It’s deep down, in the subconscious, this need to prove that we’re mother nature’s better—it’s deep down, but it’spowerful. So this new line, it’s not even about any of that other stuff. We’ll just show this shit running over wildlife and tearing up the environment. Why dick around with subtlety, you know?”
“I like it, I like it.”
I made chili tonight, and it was indeed good stuff. I used more garlic than usual, and because I was bored, I threw in like four packets of Fire Sauce from Taco Bell. Talk shit if you want, but it really added flavor. Also I cut up two of these little peppers that will make your heart stop beating if you just take one and bite it. I’m exaggerating, of course, but they were really hot little peppers. Good stuff.
So that has pretty much been my weekend, I guess. I drank a martini the other night, just because I had that craving, and it tasted like shit. Go figure. Fun to make, fun to order, terrible to drink. Stupid, lousy vodka. The only thing it’s good for is to put in breakfast smoothies along with some strawberries and orange juice, you know? Really takes the edge off the rest of the day.
Well okay, kids, I guess that’s about it for tonight. Some final words of wisdom, though: If you’re a guy, and you’re walking down a dark street, and there’s this lady walking down the street, too, and you can tell that she’s nervous because she’s over there wondering if you’re going to attack her, the nice thing to do is allay her fears. I usually try something like, “Hey, if you’re wondering if I was going to knock you out and then cut you into pieces and feed them to my three pet dogs and then use your teeth to finish a weird, unholy mural, don’t worry. I’m not going to do that.” And then laugh, just to show her how friendly you are. Here’s one that works, too: “Quit looking at me out of the corner of your eye, lady—you’re too fat and ugly to rape.” That way she’ll know that she’s safe.
Night, Li’l Homies.