All right, kids, it’s been a pretty lousy day, but I haven’t started killing it with booze yet, so I don’t want to talk about it. Instead, I’m going to clean off my monitor and drink. In the meantime, check out this link to find all sorts of places to download free mp3s. I haven’t had much time to explore it since I just found it tonight, but from what I’ve seen, it’s not bad.
So go look around there for a while, find yourself some songs or whatever.
I would like to tell you of a few things, if you don’t mind. One thing: I have a Brita water filter. The pitcher, actually. I fill it up with water, it filters, I put it in the refrigerator. Yeah, I know this isn’t too exciting, but I’m just getting warmed up. Plus, I feel like I never tell you people the good stuff in my life. I just bitch all the time, so that it seems like I’m constantly angry. I’m not constantly angry. I’m just almost always angry. See the difference? Anyways, back to the water thing. My refrigerator has been sort of freaking out lately, freezing everything, ruining all my food and stuff (okay, so I don’t actually have any food in there, but it froze the hell out of my butter). The thing is, it makes my water the absolute perfect temperature, and for some reason, it makes it taste really good. I’m not kidding, man—I would do a commercial for Brita if they wanted me to.
None of that softy stuff, though, where the music is all soothing and there’s some lady talking about how clear and smooth the water is, how it replenishes us and makes us healthier, with her crisp British accent. None of that. None of the guy with the grandpa voice talking about how there was a time when the world didn’t move so fast, when you had the time to sit down and enjoy a tall cool glass of water. No way.
In my commercial, there would be no old people, because they would all be dead (the Brita people don’t allow me to come right out and say this, of course, but we all know, don’t we, Strangelanders? We know how bad old people suck and how in a perfect world where you can always get a great glass of water, the old people are already dead). It would open with a shot of a dark kitchen. It wouldn’t be an immaculate kitchen, either. It would be pretty clean, I guess, but it would be pretty small. The shot would show through the little kitchen out into the rest of the house—basically, from where we’re at, we can see the kitchen, a front room, and a hallway.
A light comes on at the end of the hallway, and then nothing happens for a few minutes. Then you see this guy sneak out, through the living room, and into the kitchen. He grabs a glass off the counter, dumps the contents into the sink, and then pees into the glass. Then he runs off and hides in a dark corner.
A few minutes later, this other guy comes out, he’s all tired and hung-over, and you can tell that’s he’s real thirsty, just like you can tell what happens next. He grabs the glass of pee, thinking it’s his water, and he takes a big drink. Then he spits it all over the wall, and starts puking into the sink. And the voice-over goes, “This is what it's like when you don’t use a Brita water filter.”
The roommate jumps up and starts laughing, he’s got his camcorder, and you can tell this shit is going to be on the internet in like three seconds. And the guy that drank the pee, he’s furious. He just charges the guy, tackles him, and they both crash out the front room window, both of them screaming as they fall several stories down, until the loud thump. Then just silence. For about thirty seconds. And then the voice-over goes, “Sucks, doesn’t it?” And then a split-second boob shot that you can only see if you record the commercial and play it back, frame by frame.
Another one might go like this: We open, we can see a bedroom. There’s this kid on a futon, he’s probably like twenty two or so, he’s all stretched out all over the place, only in his boxer shorts and t-shirt. There’s this massive bull dog sprawled out in a pile of laundry at the foot of the bed. All on his back with his legs everywhere—you’ve seen how funny bulldogs can look when they’re asleep all crazy.
The dog wakes up, and kind of licks his lips, maybe rubs his eyes (computer animation might have to be used here, but it would be so much cooler if we could actually use a bulldog that rubs his eyes when he wakes up). Then he gets up, stumbles down the hall, and into the bathroom. He looks down into toilet, hesitates. We don’t see the inside of the toilet—just a drawn-back shot of the dog in front of it, looking down inside. He stands there for something like ten or fifteen seconds, and then walks back to the bedroom. He climbs onto the bed, licks the guy a few times. The guy doesn’t wake up.
At this point, we can pick our crude action of the dog: maybe he pees on the sheets, maybe he poops in the guy’s shoe, maybe he sits down on the guy’s face, maybe he has sex with the guy’s girlfriend—whatever. It’s got to be disgusting, and it’s got to wake the guy up. Oh, hey, I know—the dog, he’ll just drop his gigantic balls right on the guy’s face. That’s pretty gross, right? You know how they have those huge balls? But you could still go back to bed after that, I guess. Which is important later on.
It’s got to wake him up with prejudice.
So the guy's maybe screaming and waving his arms around or something, being all suffocated and gorssed-out from the nutsack, and the dog goes, “Get me a drink, asshole.” And the guy just stops, because that’s how amazing it is that his dog just talked, or maybe it’s because the dog doesn’t usually curse.
And then the guy walks out to the kitchen, with the dog following him, and he gets the Brita out of the fridge and pours some in the dog’s dish.
The guy pours himself a glass of water, drinks it, and then they both go back to bed. We zoom out, showing almost exactly the same shot we started with, and then the voice-over says something like, “It's better with Brita.”
You could have this entire line of horrible things happening to people, and they would all happen in the same apartment. Trey’s apartment. Hey, Trey, show us your apartment, so we’ll know where that dog with the huge balls lives.
We could call him Wally the Water Dog. Okay, for that first commercial, imagine that after the two guys fall out the window, and after the voice says “Sucks, doesn’t it,” Wally the Water Dog walks out, opens the refrigerator, and knocks the pitcher down, where the water falls right into his dish. He drinks it for a couple minutes, and then goes back to bed. Then the voice-over goes, “Ah! That’s better.”
Anyways, so the water in my pitcher is really good. What else did I want to tell you about? I can’t remember. I just keep thinking about Wally the Water Dog. Maybe in another commercial, we’ll just see the front door, and there’s this furious beating sound at it. The voice-over goes, “Some people will do anything for great tasting water.” And suddenly, the door splinters, and all these home invaders burst in. The camera zooms out real fast, and you see Wally the Water Dog sitting there beside a shotgun. Switch back to just a shot of the thugs, they look all surprised, and then BLAM! They’re all blown right back out the door and they tumble down the stairway, all dead and shit. Then a quick switch back to a shot of Wally, and he’s drinking some water out of his dish, and the Brita water pitcher is sitting right there beside him. The shotgun is sitting there, too, smoke coming out of the barrels (Yeah, man, it’s double-barreled and sawed-off—what the hell else kind of gun would Wally the Water Dog have?).
And then maybe that guy from the other commercial, he wanders out from his bedroom, he’s all, “What’s going on?” or maybe, “Good dog.” And Wally goes, “Shut up and go back to bed—you bother me.” Because Wally the Water Dog is a mad pimp, make no mistake about it.
In order for these commercials to work, you really have to visualize it, you know? Because me sitting here writing about a bull dog that blows people’s asses off for them, as great as that is, you don’t get the full effect until you just sit there and picture it, and then go, “Holy shit! That’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever not seen in my life!”
And what I’m telling you, is that you need to write to Brita and be like, “Listen, man, you have got to listen to this guy!” Maybe e-mail them a link to this page. I’m counting on you to do this, Strangelanders, because if I did it, it would be tooting my own horn, and that’s even more disgusting than it sounds.