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Sea Monkey Cult by Ray Printer Friendly

Itís hard for me to write when things are going good. Nothing to hide from, nothing to ignore, just life skipping along merrily, and itís suddenly hard as hell to write.

I donít have much for you tonight, and Iím really just writing out of a sense of responsibilityóIím still debating whether or not to start a batch of Sea Monkeys, and I figure I should see if I have the dedication to nurture an inanimate website before I decide to try something that can actually die if I neglect it.

I figure from Sea Monkeys, Iíll move up to getting a real monkey, or maybe adopting one of those little kids on TV, the ones that are always hungry. Iíll bring him over to America and put him to work. When he starts asking about where his paychecks are going, Iíll send him back and get a new starving kid. If things go according to plan, Iíll be able to retire in like two years, all for just mere pennies a day.

So I talked to Trey tonight. Have you ever heard that song by Gwen Stefani about how she ainít no holla back girl? And thereís that part that goes something like, ďMy shit is bananas, B A N A N A S!Ē She spells it all out. My princess hates that song, I donít know why, and Iíve never really asked, because she gets sort of violent when you mention it, but thatís not the point. The point is, I just want to make a loop of that part and it would be the soundtrack to Treyís life. If you watched a movie of him walking around, doing his thing, living his life, that song would play constantly in the background, and instead of being completely and nightmarishly annoying, like it is in real life, you would consider me a genius for scoring the movie so accurately. Dudeís shit is totally be a en a en a es. Not in a good way, though, like the song might suggest. I think he needs more sleep.

I wouldnít be at all surprised if I one day discovered that he had the whole Tyler Durden thing going on. If youíve never met him, you should probably watch outóheís very charismatic, and weíve always talked about starting a cult. Actually it will be his cult, Iíll just hang around disposing of the bodies of the people that try to quit. Donít get me wrongóthere will be no violence, and youíll all be free to quit whenever you feel like it. Just know, though, that it seems like really bad things happen to everyone that tries to leave. Coincidence, for sure, but stillÖ

This is an intervention, TreyÖquit being so caught up in your life as a successful computer guy and start a cult. I need a new job, anyways, and I feel like ďright-hand man to a cult leaderĒ would be a perfect position for me.

Here are my qualifications:

1) Iím a smooth pimp dad-dy, rolliní in my Cad-dy, men want to be me, and women want to have me.

2) I already deal with simple-minded, easily fooled morons on a daily basis. Theyíre called customers, and I want to make them pay. Literally, manóI want their money, and if I canít get it with quick wit and infallible charm, Iím willing to use force and explosives.

3) I think it would fun to ruin the world even more.

4) Although Iíve never done it professionally, Iím pretty sure I could brainwash the shit out of people. Remember what Crocodile Dundee did to that buffalo or whatever that was in the middle of the road? Thatís me, man. Iíll trick a stupid beast into submission in no time. Most people are basically just stupid beasts that are practically begging to be brainwashed.

5) I like watching cartoons. Although this isnít exactly a qualification, I feel that it needs to be said. Cartoons are really cool, I donít care what kind of social stigmata comes along with admitting that.

6) I make an excellent scapegoat.

7) After weíve tricked everybody out of all their money and made them drink poison, we can hide out in Mexico, and you can buy a bar on the beach. Who would make a better regular than me?

8) Nobody, thatís who.

There are tons more reasons than that, but I started thinking about something else, and got all distracted. Did anyone else see the advertisements for Sea Monkeys when they were little kids and think that the mom Sea Monkey was hot? I mean, she was naked, you know? Sheís the only one with hair, and itís all flowing and blond, and sheís got her legs crossed all seductive and secretive. And speaking of seductive, whatís with the eyelashes? Also, she apparently puts out (I was too young to know what asexual reproduction was, which is how Sea Monkeys sometimes roll...not the momma, though, you can just tell).

And before you start judging me, just remember: this was before there was an internet, so I didnít have all kinds of easily accessible porn to look at. I had to work with what I had. Sea Monkeys and the babysitterís daughter. Donít ask me which one was sexier, manóthe answer will deeply disturb you.

I wonder if Trey can somehow work that into his cult. Cult of the Sea Monkeys. All the women would have to run around naked, except for little red bows in their hair. Fat chicks couldnít join, and the men would all have to sit down in the Playstation Hut, which would basically just be a big arcade, with TVs everywhere, and you could either play video games or watch sports or porno. But no leaving the hut, because there are ceremonial things going on with the rest of the cult, and you for sure wouldnít like them.

I would dress up like Spider-Man, and thatís really all you need to know.

And you know what? I think this line of thought means that I have definitely ventured too far down into my brain tonight, and if thereís any chance of escape, I must do it now. ĎNight, liíl homies.


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