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Batman vs. The Crow by Ray Printer Friendly

“Welcome to the events today, ladies and gentlemen! My name is Gentry O’Mally, and beside me is Tug Whattabe.”

“Howya doin’, Gentry?”

“Doin’ great, Tug, doin’ great! And I’ll tell you why, folks. We are sitting here, arena-side, just before the first match of The Ultimate Battle begins! I tell ya, Tug, you can cut the tension with a knife here today.”

“I can do a lot of things, Gentry, and I don’t need your permission to do them.”

“I…um, okay. That was…that was sort of odd. But moving along!”

“I like to cut things.”

“Ah…well, that’s uh…um… The weather’s just gorgeous out here today, as we gather around the Dream Bender Stadium. For those of you who have never had a chance to visit the stadium, let me tell ya! You are miss-sing out! It’s a three hundred yard stadium of grass, sand, and trees, a simulated environment sheltered by bleachers that can seat well over eight thousand people! It’s really quite a spectacle!”

“That’s true, Gentry, it really is amazing!”

“Our first gladiators in The Ultimate Battle are Batman and The Crow. I would like to take a moment here and point out to those of you at home that we are not referring to Scarecrow, the villain that Batman has battled countless times before.”

“That’s right, Gentry, the man in today’s battle is none other than the guy in that movie The Crow. The first one, though, where he was still cool—not any of those lousy sequels where you would watch them and then feel like shoving a rusty coat hanger into your eye-sockets until you got it all the way down into your soul. And then you pulled your soul out and threw it into the washing machine, and still you didn’t feel clean.”

“Okay, there Tug. I, uh, think we get the point—not a big fan of the sequels, huh?”

“Thinking about the sequels makes me want to kill baby kittens.”

“Right. Anyways, so yeah: The Crow. As I think we all know, he was killed by some thugs, and his soul was captured by a bird or something, is that right?”

“No, you buffoon, that’s not what happened at all! He was brought back from the dead to avenge the death of his bride-to-be and to make things right. He was basically a hero for the Gothic crowd, those creepy little weirdoes that can’t relate to anything unless it’s a vampire or dead or just extraordinarily mopey.”

“Whatever. He’s fighting Batman today, so I don’t guess we need to get too attached. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, in the other corner is Gotham City’s own Dark Night. If you don’t know who Batman is, you should be taken out and…well, whatever the hell Tug was talking about with the coat hanger a second ago—if you don’t know who Batman is, you should go do that.”

“Please don’t try to steal my material, Gentry. It makes me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.”

“I don’t like ya now, Tug. But your brother is a major sponsor in this thing, so it looks like we’re stuck with each other, no matter how bad you scare normal people.”

“I know where you live.”

“Don’t you talk about my home again, Tug! I’m warning you! Ahem. Sorry there, folks. Got a little excited. Everything’s okay. Anyhow, back on track! The battle is just beginning, and I see this guy The Crow, he’s just sort of sitting there with his guitar. What’s that all about, Tug?”

“He was a musician in his past life. He’s trying to remember his past, so that he can find what it is he needs to do.”

“That doesn’t seem to be working out too well for him at all! Three, four, no! Five! Five Bat-erangs, right in the face, one right after another. Batman isn’t fooling around here, ladies and gentlemen! The Crow, he’s just stumbling around, I don’t think he knows what just hit him, do you, Tug?”

“He’s trying to come to terms wi-”

“Batman just kicked him in the stomach, I don’t think The Crow knows what to do about all of this. He’s just sprawled out there on the ground, looking all melodramatic. I thought this guy was tough, Tug! How did he ever get matched up against the Batman!”

“I think that Ramos son of a bitch had something to do with it, but I’m not too sure, Gentry.”

“Well I don’t quite understand it, or you, but this is quite a hurting that Batman is handing out! I can’t even keep track of how many times he just hit this poor Crow bastard. Oh, but look at this, ladies and gentlemen! The Crow, he’s standing up, and he’s laughing. What’s he doing there, Tug, laughing all crazy like that?”

“He has finished his journey from the land of the dead to that of the li-”

“Batman ninja-chopped him right in the throat! Holy smoked salmon, ladies and gentlemen! I can hear The Crow choking all the way up here in the booth. I don’t think that The Batman liked that laughing bullshit at all! You don’t try to out-crazy Batman, I’ll tell ya that right now!”

“The Crow can’t be killed, Gentry. He is led by his spirit guide, and as long as his guide remains safe-”

“Folks, I don’t know what’s going on here, but Batman just whipped out a blowgun and shot a bird down out of the sky. What’s he doing there, now? Looks like he’s ignoring The Crow completely, just walking over to the bird. And…oh my goodness, he just stomped on it! I can’t believe it! The animal rights people are going to go apeshit wild about this, I’ll tell ya that! But what’s this? The Crow is just laying there. The judge is entering the arena. And…yes, ladies and gentlemen, that’s that! The judge has ruled The Crow dead! Which makes Batman the winner! And that’s the end of the first fight here at Dream Bender stadium! Thanks for joining us, ladies and gentlemen, and tune in next time!”

“I can’t believe The Crow lost.”

“Believe it, Tug—you can go touch the body if you want.”

“I’ll dine on your innards!”

“That’s all for now, folks!”


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