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Europe by Trey Printer Friendly

So, I'm staring into the last two lonely ice cubes melting away in my mason jar full of double discount whiskey.

Yes, it is a mason jar. What the hell do you drink out of?

Drunk in my ratty plaid boxers, up way past bedtime, my sagging white tube sock ass is feeling strangely superior.

One could ask why a portly pale sloshing meatbag such as myself would feel so damn self righteous?

Well, I'm glad you asked.

The simple answer is because I live in the greatest ga'dam nation on earth. Oh sure, it's going to hell in a hand basket. To paraphrase Kinky Friedman, this country is suffering from severe wussification.

Political correctness thought police, lawsuit humping whiners, welfare pimpin' punks, valedictorian papered cry babies. Sure, I long for the days of 3 martini lunches, strutting one lunged John Wayne machismo, big swinging dicked corporate raiders, and hard drinkin' dead before their time rock stars, but those days are fading.

So be it. We've lost a step or two, and we'll probably lose a couple more before the deal is done, but the U.S. of A. is still the greatest country on earth.

Quick aside. When I refer to welfare wusses, I don't mean those low income, undereducated folks struggling to put three squares on the table or the motivated illegals risking death in the deserts of Southern California hoping to make a better life for them and theirs. I'm refering to the real welfare junkies. The farmers receiving more in welfare each year than the average family of four lives off, the rapidly aging boomers and dregs of the "greatest generation" whimpering over their social security checks while they hook their next tee shot at the country club, slavery reperation sycophants looking for a quick handout for sins visited on their great great great great something or rather by a people long ago gone to dust, the greedy corporate whores seeking out the next tax shelter and buying off the latest batch of political punks supposedly running this country for the people by the people and of the people.

That digression aside, we live in the greatest country on earth, the most self judgemental, the most moral, the most powerful collection of freaks to ever grace god's green earth. Sure, it might only be temporary, but all good things must come to an end.

And it will end, but it's not going to be the boot wearing, gun toting, religious freaks that finally put the nail in our coffin. Whine all you want about stem cell research, abortion, and the religious right. That's not the problem. The problem is the apologist moral relativists worshipping the phantom of European greatness.

I've been to Europe. It ain't so great. The food might be better, the wine might be redder, and the history might run deep as the Marianas Trench, but that European model has never worked.

For those of you sleeping in a cave or still communicating with smoke signals, a little info.

Over the past couple of years, the European union worked up a dictionary sized constitution to layout just how this Europe thing was gonna work. Sure, it was big, it was unintelligable, it was utterly ridiculous, but it was still an attempt create some sort of modern economy in Europe. To be ratified this thing was being voted on in each individual European country.

Well, in votes over the past week both the French authors of this behemouth and the Dutch soundly rejected the constitution.


Well, the core of the document allowed for the free exchange of goods, services, and workers between all members of the union. Here in the U.S. of A we see that as just another day at the office. But in the ultra liberal confines of Europe it was unsellable. The French saw it as threatening their welfare state which floats at levels of unemployment unfathomable to people like us. The Dutch see it as allowing a further flood of Muslim immigrants heading to their country to undermine their social values of free pot, free love, and fat unemployment checks. And rightly so. It would destroy what makes Europe european. It was basically an attempt to create a free market free trade environment similar to what we have here.

It's unsellable. The constitution is a bust. We embrace Nafta, the Europeans crawl further into their holes.

They look up at us from the darkness of their supposed enlightenment, curse our moral surety (shakey as it is), and denounce our lack of refinement, our poor social services, and our crude vulgarity.

To them I say, "HAH". Sometimes I feel like we (along with the Australians and the British) are the last bastion of grit floundering around in the Western World. People willing to stand up and say "By Gawd, stop bein' such a weenie!"

Europe points it's finger at Guantanamo, denouncing it as wrong and immoral, comparing us to Nazis. We are not Nazis. Guantanamo needs to be closed down. It is a great leaking sore, a stain on the country that has spent resources beyond all count in an attempt to wage the most moral wars possible, from the Civil War on down the line, but we are not Nazis. 500 hundred terrorists held without trial or bail is not 10,000,000 Jews mined, gassed and burned. Guantanamo is unsavory and needs to be bulldozed, but it is not Aushwitz.

Little factoid. We were the last Country amongst the Allies in WWII to resort to night bombing. Innumerable American airmen were killed because we didn't want to resort to indiscriminent blind carpet bombing.

I digress.

The only thing that brings European countries together is their need to hate America and all it stands for. Fine, so be it. Beat us at our own game if you can. Europe has more people, more money, more wealth, more history than us. But the recent votes on the constitution which would have given them a fighting chance in today's world has been soundly rejected by anyone with the wherewithal and locomotion to get to the poles.

So what does this mean?

It means that Europe is paralyzed by it's own liberal welfare institutions, hobbled by it's deep individual cultural identities. A stagnating, swamp of entitlements, welfare checks, and unemployment. Steeped in history but lacking the guts and the ability to make it in a truly global economic free for all.

We've been bred for it from the credos of Martin Luther's theses down to that schmuck cursing himself for not picking the winning lottery ticket that coulda paid off his monsterous mortgage. At heart we remain a protestant country based on self reliance and self flaggelation. As for Europe, when the going gets tough, they run for it, glaring out at us from their self rightious little caves.

So to those Eurocentric apologists who cry into their pillows each night G.W. Bush is in office, I say suck it up. Give me drive, ambition, and a place where the sweat of my brow can bear fruit over the comfortable casket of the European welfare state any day.

I'll take my chances here in the U.S. of A., where the safety nets are full of holes, and the only guarantees I've got are an outside shot at life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.

Let me die trying rather than whining.

But that's just how I feel...


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