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Bibles, Bullets, and Weds. Whiskey by Trey Printer Friendly

Weds night with whiskey. Gotta get up early tomorrow, but who has time to care. A fellow can learn to live with a hangover, only a true strangelander can learn to enjoy it.

Went out last night to celebrate Norway's national day. Ended up at some Norwegian restaurant downtown eating little meatballs covered in some molasses sauce accompanied by a strange fishy tasting glob of potatoes. No one working there seemed to realize that a celebration of Norwegian culture was going on. Of course, the Asian waitress and the ubiquitous Mexican kitchen staff wasn't really the best representation of that particular heritage. A group of Norwegians showed up right before we left, obviously hoping for some festivities. They were disappointed. Whatever. They all ordered hamburgers anyway.

So, my panties have gone from having a wad in them to being absolutely tied up in knots.

We have ridiculously irresponsible journalism from Newsweek and an entire region of the globe murdering folks on the rumor that some buck private suffering from sunstroke in Cuba might have flushed a Koran down a toilet.

So screwed up, where does a man even start.

I know, I know. You start with a glass of whiskey, that's a given, but where do you go from there?

My first thought was jealousy.

My toilet can barely handle two sheets of easy dissolve toilet paper, that ultra thin stuff that always tears leaving you with an extra five minutes of hand washing after. Even then I have to keep the plunger close. My downstairs neighbors must think I have some sort of deadly bowel voodoo since every visit to the throne room results in at least three preventative flushings.

Who knew that our government had been developing high-powered ultra flush toilets capable of sucking down an entire hard covered religious text weighing about the same as a small child? Must be a product of the space program. I say keep your bunker busters, predators, and daisy cutters damnit! My tax dollars paid for that toilet and I want one just like it. Fuckin' government. They give us Tang and keep the space toilets for themselves. I bet it even has a heated seat.

So just as I was working myself up into a froth of toilet laden envy, it turns out the story wasn't even true. You can enter in your own rant about the stupidity, vapidity, ridiculousness, desperation, etc concerning the main stream media here. It's justified, go ahead vent.

You know those muck rakers have been trying to scare the pants off of you for years talking about flesh eating bacteria, deadly car seats, and exploding cell phones.

The press is free for anyone who can afford one and the people who can afford 'em are the same greed monkeys running Microsoft, Enron, etc. It's a business, and as a business they're chasing the next big scoop. Facts are a thing of the past. The scoop of the moment is all that matters. It's all about keeping the asses in the seats through the next car commercial.

So my expectations are pretty low. Hell, I didn't have any left after the last year of busted up George Dubya national guard conspiracy theories, Eason Jordan debacles, gay porn junkies showing up at Whitehouse press dinners, and all the piles of other screw ups we've been hand fed by the fine folks at your local Media Emporium and Massage Parlor.

Man, I wish it was a massage parlor. At least then we could slip Maureen Dowd or Ann Coulter 20 bucks for a happy finish.

So, granted, the media is a bankrupt bunch of jackals. Newsweek is no exception. They f'd up. So be it. Cancel your subscriptions and sign up for something worthwhile like Penthouse. At least then you can see the news for what it is. A bunch of whores just trying to get you hot and bothered enough to keep turning the pages.

Now to the crux of the matter.

We have 17 poor dead Muslims pushing up cacti in an assortment of desert laden countries throughout the middle east. Good lord man, it's only a book! Get some perspective.

These people think they have the greatest culture on earth. They blow up busloads of Jews every chance they get, they enjoy blasting away at us from their own mosques, and they're big fans of launching military offensives during their biggest religious holidays. Respect their religion my ass.

I'll respect it as much as I respect everyone else’s religion. Like any group you judge it by it's members. I admire dedication and commitment to values and belief. I admire good people trying to make the world a better place. I appreciate the people who can see past the pomp and circumstance of any belief system and find a core worth keeping.

But a bunch of whacked out zealots screaming Allah Ackbar and jumping in front of bullets over a stack of soggy paper strikes me as having a belief system in serious need of some perspective.

You shall not worship the golden calf and all that.

You can't even take a bible in to Saudi Arabia. I wonder what happens to all the ones they confiscate at the border? Toilet paper seems as good a guess as any.

This whole scene is so surreal it defies description. For God's sake, you don't die for a book. You might die for the ideas contained inside, but getting killed over a bunch of paper's like committing suicide because someone erased your favorite porn tape.

Write a letter to the editor, spray paint "Amerika Sucs" on the side of the local McDonalds, heck, burn a stack of Bibles if you must, but don't get yourself killed over a book you can pick up for a buck and a quarter on every street corner in Amman.

Death is very permanent, but it ain't so hard to find a copy of the Koran. Flush all you want, the Saudi's will buy you more.

They even have these things now called Xerox machines. You can actually copy the entire contents of a book at your local Hezbollah Office Supply and Bomb Shop. Bling out your own Koran with a custom embossed cover job with gold rims and low profile pages pressed from the belly button lint of Palestinian martyrs while you get your wife's burka cleaned and your AK-47 polished.

And we are trying to help these people by dragging them kicking and screaming into the 21st century. These people who tear down thousand year old Buddhist statues, blow up busloads of Jewish children, and kill any Iraqi they can find who is more interested in getting his country on track than cursing the evil American occupiers (occupiers who really just wanna go home).

At times like this I have to wonder just what world these people are living in where dead Jewish children are a reason to cheer and the rumor of a soggy Koran is a reason for shooting at every Christian you can find.

Of course, that's just me. But I'm from a country where the government subsidizes artists smearing feces on the Virgin Mary and sinking crucifixes in jars of urine.

Morally bankrupt? Maybe, but I still say "God Bless the U.S. of A."


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