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See What I See by Ray Printer Friendly

I donít even think I know anymore, man. I used to think I had at least some of the answers, but Iím pretty sure that was just a lie I told myself to make it through the day. I looked up the word ďdisillusionĒ in my trusty old dictionary, and you know what it told me?

Disillusion vt. 1 to free from illusion 2 to take away the idealism of and make bitter, etc.

I love that definition, I really do. It just backs me up, really. Idealism is illusion, and once you see through the illusion, youíre bitter. No shit.

I think my favorite part, though, is the ďetc.Ē Itís like the guy writing the definition realized the truth right in the middle of typing. You can hear him talking to himself (because you know the guy who types the dictionary talks to himself all the time). Heís like, ďTo free from illusion. Double space, a number two, in bold, andÖto take away idealism of and makeÖYou know what? Iím never going to get that promotion. Six years Iíve been sitting around here, typing this boring shit. Stevenson got HIS promotion, and why? Because heís married to the bossís daughter. Canít have your son-in-law sitting around typing up the dictionary, now, can we? Nobody will even talk to me because they think Iím some sort of freak just because I can define every word up to the letter Ďi.í I need to find a new job, I swear. I have to get laid.Ē

And then his boss walks by and yells something like, ďJohnson! What are you doing? We donít pay you to sit around talking yourself. Get back to work!Ē

And Johnson (nobody at work even knows his first name) mutters a few bad things about his boss and gets back to work. ďTo take away idealism of and make bitter, comma, hostile. You know what? Iím not typing all this.Ē He erases ďhostile,Ē ignores the ten other words that make up the definition, and just types the ďetc.Ē

That Johnson, thatís a guy I would like to invite over for a beer. Of course, I would make sure I was gone when he was supposed to come over, because, come on, manónobody wants to hang out with Johnson. Probably I would just give him a fake address. And heíd sit there and knock and knock and knock, talking to himself the entire time, using all kinds of huge words that nobody else knows about. And then the neighbors (or possibly the people living at the fake address) would call the police and he would get hauled away.

Yep, good ole Johnson.

Or maybe you actually COULD hang out with himóin a bar or something, though, because you donít want a guy like Johnson to know where you live. Just sit around and tell him about how bad his life is, how the people at work donít give him the kind of respect he deserves, how they have NO RIGHT to treat him the way they do. I mean, whatís up with Stevenson, you know? That guy gets a promotion just because heís having sex with the bossís daughter? Whatís that about, man? Practically everyone in the office has had sex with her.

You just sit there and talk to him about stuff like that, night after night. You knowójust to see what happens when you finally push him over the edge of sanity.

Who knew that dictionaries could be so fun?

So I found a new light switch in my apartment a little bit ago. I havenít turned it on, yet. I have no idea what it does, man. Iíve never even seen it before. Itís just sitting there in the hallway, in the OFF position. I think it might go to the hallway light, but Iím not sure I even HAVE a hallway light. To tell you the truth, there are about seven light switches I use in my house. Four of them are in the bathroom, believe it or not. We have a really long bathroom, and you can totally set the ambiance just by turning different lights on at different times.


Sorry. I have got to take that thing off my desk. Iíll be sitting here typing, and suddenly everything just flips out over there, like a bunch of cherries that have finally had it with being put in pies and form some sort of a glass-jar militia. They charge, but it doesnít really work out. Looks cool, though.

Anyways, where were we? Oh, yeah. Light switches. The other two I use are in the kitchen and the closet. I suppose that I sometimes use the ones in the front room, but not very often. We mostly keep our front room empty, so you donít really need any lights when you walk around in there. Iím a big fan of walking around in complete darkness. I think it maybe has something to do with the fact that without my contact lenses, Iím almost completely blind. Being in the dark, that puts us all on the same playing field. And itís a field that Iím actually a pretty good player on.

So, yeah, I found a new switch, but Iím not in too big of a hurry to flick it.

Unfortunately, thatís kind of my big news for the night.


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