If you know me at all, in real life, or through the internet, there are two things you probably know about me. One is that I'm fat.
The other is that I've never wanted kids.
The fat thing I've wavered on a few times over the years--every once in awhile, I'll manage to get myself under control for a few months, shed some pounds, and feel good about myself for a few weeks before I tear through the snack aisle and get things back to the status quo.
The kid thing, nope. Despite having the greatest nephews in the world, the most adorable nieces, and having friends who have birthed the cutest kids who have ever peed on me, I still never changed my mind on that one.
I guess there are a few reasons for this. One is that I don't like kids (the aforementioned nieces, nephews, and surrogate family excluded, obviously). Another is that I don't like responsibility. And another is that I always thought I'd screw a kid up.
And to be real honest, I would have.
I would have done my best, but it wouldn't have been good enough, and I always knew it.
Awhile back, some things went down in my life--maybe I'll tell you about them someday, but not right now--and I changed my mind about the kid situation. I decided that maybe it was something I could pull off, if I really tried.
Flash forward several months, to this:
What you're looking at there, if the page loaded right, is my son. Technically, what you're looking at is my son's cute little heinie, his legs, and his very visible penis.
That's the first picture I ever saw of him, too, which I will forever find amusing and disturbing.
So I'm going to be a dad.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't completely freaked out about it. I mean, I blew up a package of microwavable quinoa today. There were two steps: rip a slit in the bag; microwave bag. And I forgot one of those.
But on the other hand, I've managed to keep myself alive for several decades, despite my best efforts.
Like I said, I think it's something I can pull of, if I really try. And you know what? I plan on trying harder than I ever have in my life.
So, Strangelanders, I'd like you to meet my kid.