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Subway Journals: Part 3 by Ray Printer Friendly

11/14/03


Just some day. I have an eleven-hour workday looming ahead of me, I should be in a bad mood. Usually, I am, when faced with spending so much time at a place where I don't want to be. I'm feeling pretty good, though, I don't know why.

Picture acres of beautiful floral gardens, like a hundred rainbows napping in the grass, all the flowers frozen, encased in ice, pure, like diamond glaze. The sun shines down, and intense colors coat the world.

Having one of those happy-to-be-alive days. The kind of day that's great for no reason, but always in the back of your mind there's fear lurking. Scared that the feeling won't last, scared that at any second, you'll make it all come crashing down. But being afraid doesn't do any good, so you might as well enjoy the day, right?

Dreams of a hundred little men running around a fish tank, they're all carrying around little pitchforks, and they're all hungry. They try not to scurry, but when you're that small, you just can't help it.

Imitation peas and fake intellect, we watch it all and never see anything. I burn my mouth by drinking hot coffee, I do it every single day. I just don't learn my lesson, I guess.

I sit inside, watching people watching me, and I chuckle as I wonder what they make of my bleeding lip. Probably they don't notice, probably they don't care even if they do notice.

Listen to the mad poet screaming in the middle of the night, but pay no attention to his words. They don't call him the mad poet for nothing.



11/15/03


Do we pay for our happiness with sorrow?

Today is turning out to be pretty bad. Paying because I didn't pay attention. Bills, fines, late fees, why wasn't I thinking about words like these yesterday? Paying, in cash, for my irresponsibility. And I keep thinking in my head that isn't it about time that I grew up?

Running late for work because I was doing laundry. Running late for work because I didn't plan ahead, didn't think about the future.

I've always trusted that things would turn out okay. Things always work out. Bum mentality, and I need to change my way of thinking before I end up sleeping on park benches.

I know that I need to think ahead, but I'm not sure if I know how. Never been my strong point, the future.


Comments:
Entered By Charles In Charge From Unknown
2011-03-25 14:25:55

I don't know about you, but I used to always just assume (casually, with no anxiety about it) that I wouldn't HAVE a future. Never expected to live past 30, really. Yet here I am. Interesting.


Entered By Ray From Austin
2011-03-26 01:00:22

Thirty seemed so old at one point. I'm still not sure if I lived past it.


Entered By Tracie From Unknown
2011-04-02 05:56:43

No matter how old I get I will be eternally 30. Do we pay for happiness with sorrow? No I don't think so, but we do appreciate happiness by understanding and experiencing sorrow.



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