I want to start out by saying I'm writing this overly-long review on my fancy new netbook, using an online word processor called Zoho. If you're interested in cloud applications at all, you should check it out. Anyway, we aren't here to talk about that right now. What we're here to talk about is Robocop 3.
Let's get started!
So I can't remember what year it's supposed to be. Sometime in the future, but one of those future dates that seemed so far away in the 80s, but has already happened by now. The evil corporation of Detroit has just been bought out by a huge corporation in Japan, and they're building "Delta City." A clean place with no crime, and lots of jobs. I'm pretty sure that's what the evil corporation promised in the first two movies, as well.
So we are immediately introduced to this little girl. I don't know if she's supposed to be a genius or what. She's doing calculus, so I guess so. Maybe in the future, all the little girls can do that. She's working on an incredibly high-tech computer--you can tell because it's so small it fits in a medium-sized suitcase that's about the size of the girl's torso. There are all sorts of motorized parts, though, so even though I'm typing on a piece of equipment roughly the size of a hardback novel, she still wins. Because her keyboard folds up and slides down into the body of her computer. Oh, the future, you're so amazing!
She asks her dad if they are going to get thrown out of their house (that's what the news said just now), and he assures her that this is their home, and they're perfectly safe. Then a wrecking balls crashes through his window, and he has to dive out of the way (hooray for timing!).
Okay, we have a couple minutes where we see how super evil the evil corporate cops are--punching ladies in the face, shooting without regret, splitting up the little genius girl (Nikko?) from her parents. One of the guards even threatens to shoot the little girl. Luckily, she escapes, and is pulled into a dirty old van with no windows, by a bunch of wacky strangers.
Yeah, little girl, enjoy your life of rape.
But wait! These crazy strangers aren't your average little girl rapers. They're like freedom fighters or something. They decide to take her along with them on their corporate espionage mission, where they're promptly met by ED 209--the crazy robot that shoots the hell out of everything in pretty much every Robocop movie.
Death machine, or the greatest sex toy ever?
The robot gives them 20 seconds to get off private police property before it shoots them all to hell. Nikko runs over and begins re-programming it with her crazy suitcase computer. In the future, all you need is a couple of alligator clips attached to speaker wire--hook that shit up to your computer and you can hack pretty much anything.
The freedom fighters set off the alarm right away, proving they are about a million times more inept than the nine year old girl. She uses her newly highjacked robot to save their asses, and they head on into the police armory to waste a lot of time and make jokes. Instead of, you know, taking care of business and getting out. So of course, the corporate police catch them.
For the third time in about a minute and a half, the little girl saves them.
But now there's an APB out on them, and the real cops get involved. At first, the cops act like they don't care about the stolen police equipment, and they begin clammoring that this time, Lewis has to take the call. In case you don't know, Lewis is a girl cop, and she's usually partnered up with Robocop. The van passes right by the diner where all the cops are eating, and once the car chase is on, they give it their all.
Unfortunately for the cops, they are easily foiled by the fact that the bandits (freedom fighters takes too long to type over and over) can make the red lights change to green, and there is a pile-up.
The bandits are all ready to celebrate, but oh no! Another car comes out of nowhere. "I don't think this new guy is exactly a guy!" one of the bandits proclaims. Nikko gets all excited that it might be him. Meaning Robocop, although I think they're trying to like build up to it, or something? Like maybe you aren't actually expecting Robocop, even though the movie is called Robocop 3. Anyway, the little girl is super excited about having Robocop chasing them down. Clearly she doesn't understand what side of the law they're on at the moment.
Back at the pile-up site, one of the cops points out to Lewis a bit of graffiti on the telephone pole. Splatterpunks!
And before you even have time to wonder what that means, they're attacked. By, presumably, Splatterpunks.
The Splatterpunks are apparently the most feared gang in all of Detroit, and you have to wonder just what horrible things they'll do. And...oh. They're throwing flaming bottles at the cops. Not even hitting the cops, just sort of throwing the bottles so that they land about ten feet away from everyone. How...horrible? I think the guy in charge of making the movie was hoping to build some tension here, but really, you're just left wondering why the cops don't just wait for the punks to get into throwing distance and then shoot them in the face.
Instead, like any good police force, the cops begin shooting wildly into the night, at no target whatsoever. Within seconds, they are forced to reload. Lewis puts a call in for immediate backup, adding that they are low on ammo. Now why do you suppose they'd be low on ammo?
Oh, yeah, the shooting wildly into the dark thing.
The splatterpunks eventually show themselves, marching bravely out into the street, surrounding the cops. Remember that whole, "why don't they shoot them in the face" thing? This would be the perfect time for that. Except that each and every cop has managed to empty their weapon by now, and they all have to reload. But instead of doing that, they just stare dumbly at their approaching doom.
But have no fear! Robocop switches out his hand for a machine gun hand and drives his car off the top of a parking garage, right in front of everyone. Then he tells the splatterpunks no loitering, because that's how Robocop does shit.
They open fire, and he shoots a few of them and for some reason misses a few, even though he has that guidance system where he can shoot anyone. His machine gun hand appears to be much less accurate than his old gun that went in his regular hand.
He catches a bullet out of the air. Do you need any context for that? I hope not. I'm an optimist, so I can't decide if this movie is awesome or just an unsalvageable piece of shit at this point. I mean, really?
The next part confirms what I was already suspecting--unsalvagable piece of shit. The splatterpunks have their own way of talking, and it sounds just as stupid as it does in splatterpunk books. I'm assuming this is some sort of homage? I don't know, but it's awful. Just awful. I want to quote them or something, but I can't bring myself to rewind and do that to my ears and brain.
One of the splatterpunks tells the other to shoot Robocop in the face, and I'm tempted to shout at the TV, "No, me first! Shoot me in the face first!"
But then I remember it's just a movie. I can shoot myself in the face later. Which I'm guessing is the only way to cleanse my mind after subjecting it to this terrible movie.
Let's see...so Robocop arrests the remaining splatterpunks, which is stupid, because the Robocop we know and love would have just shot them through the wall. It is quickly becoming apparent that this Robocop is not the one I know and love. This is like his effeminate cousin who you sort of just want to kick in the balls.
Okay, moving on: the Japanese guy--the main evil corporation guy--is mad, and sending one of his own agents to take care of business. The evil British guy who is already supposed to be handling it, makes some remark about big business being war. I don't know, the dialogue is horrible.
Oh, and Robocop is in trouble because he disobeyed a direct order and went back to save the cops instead of chasing down the bandits.
Everyone in this movie has gigantic glasses.
So Robocop is supposed to get some neurotransmitter blocker thing or some shit. One of the scientists pulls it out of his pocket, like he just carries it around all day. What kind of freaky son of a bitch carries around a neurotransmitter blocker with him at all times? A date rapist, that's what kind. This is why you can't trust guys in lab coats.
Robocop's all ate up about seeing the little girl, I guess because it reminds him that he once had a son? I don't know. Have I mentioned that this movie sucks? Because this movie sucks. As much as I wanted to love it, it sucks.
But I feel like I owe it to the old-school Robocop to finish watching.
Lewis is all ate up with why Robocop is acting so strange, so much so that she follows him down to his car, even though she isn't on duty. How you know she's not on duty?
"Hey Lewis, you want your body armor?" a cop asks.
"No, I don't need it--I'm not on duty." But she still hops in the car with Robocop, even though this future Detroit is so crime-ridden that even everyday citizens wear body armor to go to the supermarket.
They find a bunch of squatters and then the bad corporate cops show up, and Lewis gets shot in the chest and Robocop also gets shot in the chest, but with a grenade launcher.
I get the feeling that nobody really wanted to be in this movie. Like even the second-stringers wanted to be killed off early. Oh, did I mention that original guy didn't come back for this one? He felt okay doing Robocop and Robocop 2, but at 3, he was just like, "Yeah, no...this is...it's all ridiculous. Robocop fights a ninja and splatterpunks? I'm out."
The lady who plays Lewis apparently just found out what would be happening, and opted to die mid-film in hopes of saving her career. I'm speculating, of course. I'm pretty sure I'm right, but it doesn't seem like it worked out.
Anyway, Lewis dies.
It irritates me that all the freedom fighters keep referring to the little girl as "the stupid kid," even though she's constantly saving their asses. I mean, I don't like kids, I think we all know that. But one thing worse than a little kid is a grown-up who needs to be saved by a kid. She tells them that Robocop is on their side now, and sure enough, he goes with them. But oh no! The bad guys have a tracking device on Robocop!
Who would have suspected that a million dollar piece of equipment might have some sort of tracking system?
Of course the little girl finds it in two seconds flat. Because everyone is the future is panda-fuck stupid, apparently. Except the little girl, who is a super genius. She should take over the world. She'd do a much better job than the morons who seem to be in charge.
Speaking of, the evil corporate cops tell the news stations that Robocop turned on his fellow cops and shot Lewis.
I'm starting to really like the sleazy corporate guy. Upon hearing one of his coworkers jumped out the window because the corporation is collapsing, he responds, "Chickenshit. I'd eat a bullet, myself," and brandishes a pistol. "Less showy."
Of course, he gets fired ten seconds later. Soon after he leaves the room, we hear a gunshot, signifying the end of the only likable character in this entire flick.
This movie is trying really hard to make me care about all the freedom fighters who lost their homes to the evil corporation, but I just don't give a shit. They squabble and make dumb jokes and look all gross and dirty.
And they make the little girl do everything.
Oh hey, remember that Japanese agent they were sending? He showed up, and he's like a robot ninja or something. He kills some of the idiot freedom fighters, which endears him to me.
Back at the hideout, it's time to work on Robocop. They do this in every one of the Robocop movies. You see from his perspective as they turn him off and on, and there's always some sort of mistake at one point, and it's all really goofy. This time, however, they add some computer generated special effects to show you all about how much technology they had when they made this movie. Just ignore the fact that they still had to use stop-motion animation a couple times, okay?
And I don't know what just happened, but I think Robocop wants to fuck his doctor now? Or his dead partner? I don't know.
Turns out Nikko's parents are dead. Robocop knows this because he downloaded the database of dead folks, I guess. He gives her some lecture about how she remembers them, and if you remember them, they're never really gone.
Blah blah blah and CAR CHASE IN A PIMP CAR!
Yep, Robocop just stole a pimp's car and is now using it to chase the bad guys.
I just realized that there is almost no violence or swearing in this movie. What a load of crap. Robocop 2 had a little kid calling people bitches and telling them to fuck off, and had one guy getting shot right in the eyeball. The first Robocop had a man getting shot apart piece by piece by bad guys.
For the third one, they make bad jokes and have Robocop shoot the ground a lot. Oh, and some damn little girl.
Anyway, the evil corporate cops break in to the freedom fighter base and take everyone hostage and kill some people.
I don't even know if Robocop is still in this film. Maybe he realized how bad it sucked and went off to be in an anime cartoon or something, I don't know.
The little girl is in some air vent with her battery tester cables, so she can see on her suitcase-computer every surveillance camera. Every camera in the world, apparently. None of this makes any sense anymore, and the only thing keeping me going is that it has to end soon. Unless I'm in Hell, in which case it'll just keep going. On the bright side, it looks like Hell has a wi-fi connection.
All the real cops quit because they didn't want to do corporate evil, so the corporation hired the splatterpunks to chase the people out of the neighborhood. But the cops show up to help the freedom fighters and take back the city. Because why the fuck not.
Meanwhile, Robocop has finally returned to the rebel base, where he has to fight the robot ninja. He gets his fingers cut off and gets hit in the face a lot. It is not exciting at all. He shoots the ninja in the face. This too, is terribly unexciting.
Don't ask me how they made a Robocop vs. Robot Ninja battle boring, but they did.
So...the little girl hacks the television station with her computer, even though I don't think she's even at the television station. I don't know, maybe she is.
I don't know anything anymore. Robocop just showed up with his jetpack and missile launcher, and he's finally machine gunning people. But then he flies away. Not sure why or where he's going.
Oh, here he is, at the evil corporation. And he took off the jetpack. And two more of those robot ninjas showed up. The little girl somehow took control of the robot ninjas and they cut off each other's heads. None of this is making any sense anymore. I think someone made this movie on a dare. Fred Dekker, apparently.
Anyway, that's it. The robot ninjas self destruct, and that kills the evil corporate cop leader, but the businessmen all survive. Robocop goes to live with the little girl and the cops that quit? Maybe?
Shit, I don't know. I feel like someone smashed me in the brain with a skillet. Thanks, Robocop 3.
Summary: This movie was made in the early 90s, and it shows. It's right when we began pussifying movies with a vengeance, so instead of getting the hard R rating for violence and language, we get a PG-13. A Robocop movie should never, ever, ever be rated PG-13. The entire premise is based on ultraviolence, swearing, and maybe an occasional boob.
Also, Robocop was never supposed to be an action fighter. He had a giant gun and a kick-ass targeting system and he was pretty much bullet proof. That's his thing. He walks in, ignores bullets, and shoots the hell out of everything. You can't have him fight ninjas, because he moves slow. Potentially bitchin' ideas like robo-ninjas, machine gun hands, and jet packs become dull and ridiculous when you tie them in with a robot that can't even jog. Okay, I guess the machine gun hand has potential, but Dekker dropped the ball in a big way (apparently, he's the guy that made Monster Squad, so I can't totally hate him, but it's a close thing).
This was a terrible movie that wasn't able to be saved by nostalgia. If you need a robot cop fix, grab the first Robocop, or maybe even the second one. The only way this one would be worthwhile is to make a drinking game out of it, where you take a drink every time you want to turn it off.
Posted under Reviews on 9/06/10