I know I have been exceptionally hard on you this past couple of weeks, and I apologize. But you have to understand that these were special circumstances. I feel that we should be partners in this thing, but lately, it just seems like you won't work with me.
So I stayed out late a couple of nights, maybe drank a little too much. I feel like I should get to do that from time to time, without having to face disastrous consequences.
I mean, we used to work together, right? I gave you food, occasional sleep, and tried to keep you safe and hydrated. Okay, maybe not exactly safe, but still. In return, you made sure that when the morning came, I could marginally function.
But every time I do anything remotely out of routine these days, it seems like you get extra angry. Keeping my stomach churning for three days because I stayed out one night?
And what's up with the immune system? I have to go to bed before midnight or you just close it down, is that the deal? Yes, body I have noticed the sore throat and the headache, and whatever other preemptive symptoms come with an illness. And I just want to say that you don't scare me.
I'm not missing work, I'm not missing school, no matter what kind of a jerk you're being. And you know what else? Maybe I'll play a little hardball myself. You wanna make my throat hurt? Fine, I'll dump more whiskey in you, see how you like that!
I'm not afraid to go the distance, even if it means we both lose. You know this about me, Body.
But I don't want to fight. Tell you what: you stop with this constant upset stomach, this aching throat, and this pain behind my eyes, and I'll be good this week. Early bedtimes, lots of vegetables, maybe even a little exercise.
I'm willing to work with you here. But I'm not ready to be an old man, not yet. So if you're hoping to bully me into going to bed at nine every night and living a boring life, you better get over it.
Okay, I'm glad we had this talk.
Oh, one more thing: what's the deal with this whole collecting fat thing? Is it your new hobby or something, because I promise, we really don't need to save it all. I'll keep feeding you, don't worry. So if you could throw some of that out, I'd appreciate it.
Posted under The Rants on 4/12/10