So I'm sitting here at my desk, not doing anything, really. Looking at things on the internet, but not paying any attention. Drinking some coffee. Staring at the wall.
And I realize that I haven't posted anything in a while. I haven't had much to say. I've been trying to work on my design skills lately, and failing pretty miserably. Turns out, talent isn't my strong point. I guess I'll have to keep relying on my charm and clever penis jokes.
Hey, did you hear the one about the clever penis and the clown car?
Does anyone out there have a good idea for me to make a lot of money without much work? Because I'm not having much luck with it.
My latest great idea was the "Transpor-Lounge!" What's that, you ask? You want to hear all about it?
Well, it just so happens I have all my proposal notes that I took to the bank with me when I went to get a loan for this project.
The idea is a simple one: people gotta get places, but getting places kinda sucks. We made monumental strides in transportation with the invention of the airplane, but then the government had to fuck it all up with the TSA.
Most people, when they travel, they don't want to get probed and hassled and treated like criminals for no reason other than the fact that loser security guards love power and idiot governments love to abuse their people.
Oh, it's because of terrorism? And my safety? Oh, well that's okay, then. Except we all know that's bullshit, so suck my nuts, invasive government regulation!
So what if you could travel another way? Sure there's driving, but that sucks. Taking the bus is a nightmare, unless you have a fetish for the constant smell of fecal matter and the idea of some transient masturbating on you while you're asleep. And the train, although pretty awesome, is too slow.
So what is a person to do?
Well, folks, the answer is Transpor-Lounge! Because why settle for transportation when you can transporPARTY!?
It's supposed to say,
"The Best Time You Can Have Going To A Good Time."
This is what I get for hiring the drunk hobo on the corner to be my copywriter.
Summary: You have a semi-truck with a trailer that has been converted to a lounge. The highly-skilled driver takes you to your destination, and on the way, you have a party.
Allow me to further explain, won't you? The bank guy, he didn't really want to, but I was rather insistent, and since we had some time before the security guards could make their way through the panicked crowd, I continued to present my case.
The trucks themselves would be decorated in various themes and designs, because you want the fun to start even before the trip does. Clients can pose for pictures, sit behind the wheel with an oversize-trucker hat, whatever. It's a good time!
Drink away your horrible childhood memories while enjoying the good ones!
I don't know what the hell this thing is supposed to be, but I want it to drive me around while I party!
Ideally, we'd be able to have something like this, too:
But I'm not sure how feasible that would be, considering the vehicle would be hauling a trailer full of drunk people. Because we're all about a good time at Transpor-Lounge! but we also care about safety. And not getting sued.
But what about the lounge itself? Well this is where it gets really good, ladies and gentlemen. The lounges would also be variously-themed.
For example, there would The Love Bug's Garage: one that was all sensual and low-lit, filled with various beds, couches, etc. Everything completely sterilized and completely safe, of course. Instead of a bartender, there would be a mini-bar, along with a top-of-the-line sound system filled with romantic music. This would be for people with more erotic tendencies, obviously. Fun for couples, but with optional sectional walls, for groups!
Taking that idea a bit further, we'd have the Fetish Wagon, where everything is covered in plastic, and various video equipment is attached to the walls. Like the log ride at an amusement park, but with more penetration. There are also other options that can be discussed at time of rental, such as heated candle wax or a fat guy in a bear suit with a saddle, who will let you ride him around (I'm not the fat guy, by the way--being the administrator of this gig means I finally get to stop wearing the suit and saddle).
There would also be the Bachelor Barge, with not one, not two, but three stripper poles. You can bring your own ladies, or you can negotiate through us and we'll supply them. This model has a mandatory bouncer, and miniature drunk-tank, in case things get out of control. But that beats getting your ass kicked and then tossed in county jail two days before your wedding, right?
The most popular model is the basic Transpor-Lounge! though. There are a few tables, a dance floor, and a full bar.
The basic model will have music, lighting, and optional DJ, or even a live band. The entire atmosphere is controlled by you, so you can have strobes and colored lights if you're in the mood to dance, or lowered volume and muted lights if you just want to hang out and chat with friends.
The sides of the trailer will be made of thick, ultra-safe Plexiglas, so you can see out, and people driving around you can see in. If you'd prefer privacy, however, there are automated shades that can be lowered. (Clear sides not available on the Bachelor Barge, Fetish Wagon, or Love Bug's Garage, for legal reasons.)
We will also offer to set up hotel reservations for when you get where you're going, along with rental cars, limos, etc. Here at Transpor-Lounge! we believe it's about the journey and the destination.
Anyway, so that's my idea. I'm still waiting to hear back from the bank guy. He was yelling something to me when I was hauled out, but I was screaming too loud about the pepper spray in my eyes and the Taser hitting me in the kidney to hear him.
With that kind of personal attention, though, I'm pretty sure I'll get the loan.
Posted under The Rants on 3/21/10