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Stink So Good by Ray Printer Friendly

I started the day out by dumping a partial shot of Scotch down my face and chest. I ended it by dumping some sort or scented oil all down my arm and onto my feet. I am beginning to seriously question the way that I live my life.

These were both accidents, by the way, and both times, I was sober. Which is the part of my life that I'm seriously considering changing right now.

You know those diffuser things that are all the rage these days? With the fancy little bottles and all the sticks poking out the top, and they make a room smell delightful or whatever? That's the shit I spilled all over my arm.

The thing about that stuff I didn't know is that it's oily. And apparently, it'll sink into your skin immediately. Also, no matter how good it smells when it's in the bottle, soaking up through those sticks, when you dump it all over your arm, it just smells like that old lady in church who always wore too much old lady perfume.

Incidentally, spilling Scotch all over yourself also brings forth memories of that old church lady.

Here's how the Scotch got on me, just so you know. I woke up this morning and remembered about the time change, which meant I was already running an hour behind on everything.

I muddled my way out into the kitchen for coffee, and realized that I had none. I then decided to make tea, but the kettle was empty and the sink was full. So...chores, then.

I started a load of laundry, and then began gathering loose dishes from around my office. I don't have gross food dishes or anything, but at any given time, there's at least one shot glass on my desk, and usually a glass of water and an empty mug. I'm a big believer of liquid consumables when I sit at my desk.

I noticed the shot glass partially hidden behind my monitor, like it was afraid of being discovered. I decided to scare it further by quickly snatching it from its hiding place. Apparently, I scared it too much, because it peed all over me. It peed Scotch all over me. Or, if you're a regular sane person who doesn't go around trying to scare shot glasses, there was a little bit left at the bottom, and it splashed up on my face and then spilled down onto my shirt.

Now, I'm not a big fan of Scotch. I'll buy a bottle once in a while, and I'll drink the hell out of it. But it's not something I want all over my face first thing in the morning.

So cursing and wiping my mouth, I carried the glass into the kitchen and dumped it out. I tried to wear the shirt for a while, figuring the booze would eventually evaporate and stop smelling, but it was determined, so I ended up throwing it into the washing machine with the load of laundry I had just started.

And then the day went on like normal. I waited for my princess to wake up, and we went to get some coffee (she got water, though, because we couldn't find the coffee place we were searching for, and she didn't want anything when I eventually had to settle on Sonic).

Cut to tonight. I'm feeling pretty good. We've gone grocery shopping, I've cleaned the kitchen, and my coffee maker is full of water and coffee, so tomorrow, I'll have coffee with the flip of a switch.

I sit down to begin writing, and I realize that I've forgotten to take my picture of the day.

See, I have this thing on my phone called Project 365. It's on the internet, too. I don't really do it like they say, where you try to remember the day or any of that crap. I just make sure I take an interesting picture each day. Interesting to me, anyway. And at the end of the day, I show my princess, and sometimes I let her pick which picture I use. Beats bonding over a discussion about bills or why the chicken tastes funny.

They say it's supposed to be a practice in photography, you're supposed to experiment with lighting and all that, but since I use my phone, all of that is kind of moot. It does force me to look at the world a little closer, though, try to find the interesting aspects that I'd generally overlook.

And that is why I smell like an old lady in church.

What do you mean, that doesn't explain it?

Fine, I'll expound further. I didn't have my photo of the day, so I began walking around my apartment, looking for something. I saw this thing sitting up on the fireplace, and got curious about what it was. In the dark, it looked like a plastic apple. I picked it up to investigate, and for some reason, my first instinct was to look at the bottom. I don't know why, man.

Turning one of those diffuser things upside down is not a good idea, I quickly learned. Unless you want the oil inside to pour all over your arm and drizzle down in between your toes. Which is not nearly as pleasant as it might sound.

I spent the next ten minutes wiping up stinkin' oil from everywhere, and washing my hands. And then I took my picture of the day:

I call it "Enlightenment In A Whiskey Glass." Or at least I would, if I was the sort of pretentious ass who named phone camera photos.

I generally try to take pictures as I see them, as opposed to setting them up, but I was in a bind. And then, since I had a whiskey glass, anyway, I decided to remedy that living-life-sober problem.

Posted under The Rants on 3/15/10


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