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Writing This Made Me Hungry by Ray Printer Friendly

You might have noticed that I haven't been polluting this site with constant whining about my allergies like I have in the previous years. I generally try not to write about boring stuff like allergy problems unless there's something funny about it. Or unless it's slightly entertaining. And usually, it's just stupid.

I live in a town where the air makes me sick. How ridiculous is that? If you don't know the answer, I have supplied it for you in the next sentence. Fucking ridiculous.

Anyway, so mine have been bad lately, but not funny, which is even more irritating than usual, because I don't get to write about it.

Luckily, pork rinds.

Spicy pork rinds, actually.

These:

The idea of pork rinds is one of those crazy things that's utterly disgusting in concept, but absolutely incredible in real life. Straight-up called pork skins. You sometimes see a little blue marking on there, you don't know if the stamp was put on the chip-like thing or if it was stamped on an actual pig. Have you ever looked at the ingredients of just a regular bag of Baken-Ets? It goes like this:

Fried Pork Skins.

Salt.

Seriously.

That's it. The skin of a pig and salt, that's what you're getting. Basically, a football. But more delicious.

I know I'm going off a little here, but I can't help it. I don't like sitting down on a public toilet, but I'll happily put the outside of a pig in my mouth. It's weird. I know exactly what I'm eating, and I've been around pigs, seen what they get up to, and I still eat like a bag of their skins in one sitting.

How good are pork skins? So good that when I did a Google image search, one of the first things I came across was a chick posing with some.

Who is she? I don't know, and I don't care. It's not important. The important thing is, she's posing--theoretically topless--with a bag of pork rinds. And you want to know what's even better? That isn't the only picture of her posing with pork rinds!

Okay, so do we understand how awesome these things are? Regular pork skins are pretty amazing, but the Hot 'N Spicy Baken-Ets are mind-blowing.

It's important that you understand that. I'm not really sure why, but I needed a good transition back to the part where I'm talking about my allergies. I couldn't think of one, so I wrote the two previous sentences to distract you, and now I'm about to hop to the part of the story about how I'm in my car, eating pork rinds while my allergies are bad.

So I'm on my lunch break the other day, and my allergies are killing me, and I'm eating some Hot 'N Spicy Baken-Ets. They weren't really part of my lunch, but I had found part of a bag that I had left at work, so I decided to eat them.

My nose is entirely stopped up, so I've been mouth-breathing all day, which sucks on many levels. But it's lunch time, I'm sitting in my car, listening to the Charlie Hodge Halftime Show (with sidekick Matt Sadler), eating spicy pork rinds, and life is good.

Until I drop the lid to my water bottle and lean over to pick it up. See, I'm still chewing, and when I lean over, I take a small breath, something I guess I would generally do with my nose. But since my nose is out of commission, I take the breath with my mouth. This causes me to suck down a rather large chunk of hot-spiced pork rind.

It lodges in my throat, and I immediately cough it up...right into my nasal passages. So all of the sudden, there's a piece of pig stuck up somewhere behind my eyeballs, covered in pepper.

The thing about having really terrible allergies is, it lasts for a while. For me, it's pretty much from December to March. So you wake up and you start blowing your nose, and you do that until you go to sleep. Sometimes, you wake up from your sleep to blow your nose. As you can probably imagine, all of the passageways involved get pretty raw.

As you can probably also imagine, about the last thing you want in raw sinus passageways is hot and spicy pork rind seasoning.

I sneezed about two hundred and nine times in twenty seconds, and I began coughing deep, throat-stripping coughs. My eyes watered up instantaneously. Watered up and filled up and overflowed.

I went on like that for a solid five minutes. And then I almost threw up.

I stumbled out of my car, coughing, wheezing, and kind of gagging. The worst part is, I still had the bag in my hand, and every once in a while, I'd cram another pork skin in my mouth. They really are that delicious.

I finally got control of myself, but then the radio guys said something funny, and I kind of did one of those snort-laugh things, and it started all over.

Two days later, the inside of my head is still hurty and scared.

I don't know where I was going with this, but I guess the moral of the story is be careful when you eat pig skin.



Posted under The Rants on 1/28/10


Comments:
Entered By Leslie From Texas
2010-01-28 16:59:44

I just don't even know what to say. Except with some of your food experiences (need I mention the jalapeno experience!?) sometimes I'm surprised you eat at all. Glad you survived -- would have had a hard time explaining to the relatives how you choked to death on pork rinds sitting in your car during your lunch break. And, as usual, you made me laugh -- quite a bit, in fact since I had to reread this at least three times because it was so darn funny. Thanks for sacrificing your sinuses and a little bit of your dignity for us, Ray.


Entered By Tabitha From Arizona
2010-01-28 17:37:46

It is so easy to tell we are related! AGAIN, tears rolling down my face because you sound just like Rob when you tell a story!! It's like watching a movie in my head. Thanks for making me smile! :)


Entered By Mary From Texas
2010-01-28 17:46:42

Ray, Ray, Ray!! That was freaking funny!!! And yes, I had tears in my eyes also. I am so glad that Leslie keeps me posted on your writings as I never seem to get to your site like I should. And, just so you know...I love pork skins!! Especially the spicy ones. I have sucked a few down my throat too. Thanks for making my day!! Hugs and Kisses!!


Entered By Kelly From Missouri
2010-01-29 01:38:50

Hysterical, Ray - that's all I can say - Hysterical!


Entered By Dave Riley From Unknown
2010-01-29 03:54:59

I've encountered plenty of people that don't suffer from allergies, but still breathe through their mouths.


Entered By Diane From NH
2010-01-30 23:36:10

The fact that you had any type of pork product in your nose... I was about to say "the weirdest thing I've ever heard" but honestly, I've been a Strangelander for WAY too long to get away with saying THAT.



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