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Deathwish by Ray Printer Friendly

The other day, I had to carry a bunch of heavy-ass boxes up two flights of stairs, and then through an office building. Doing so winded me completely, and made me feel like I was going to die.

Later on that day, I had to do it again, only this time, I had to do it with more boxes. In order to do so, I had to sit in the parking lot for a second and get myself pumped up to handle the daunting mission. While I did that, I texted my sister. I first explained the situation, and informed her that I was more than likely going to fall over dead before finishing my task. Then, I told her that she was in charge of funeral arrangements.

Okay, so I want to be placed naked on a golden statue of a dolphin, a Skittles bag over my weenie, for dignity's sake. Make it one of those big bags, okay? I don't need that size--a Halloween size would do--but I want impress the mourners. The dolphin should have an eye patch, and I should have one of my fingers stuck seductively in its blow-hole. My other hand should be placed behind my ear, like I'm listening. This is so people will wonder about the symbolism (there really isn't any). Also, paint something on my belly so it doesn't look like just a fat gut. Maybe like a baby panda, because of all the hair and pale flesh. That'll be cute. These are my last wishes. I'm off to carry boxes myself to death.

Oh, and as me and my dolphin are conveyor-belted into the pyre, I want them to play the song Wind Beneath My Wings. Followed by the theme song to Sponge Bob. If there's still time after that, I want Wipe Out--the Fat Boys version, not the Beach Boys version. Then fireworks and body shots off the strippers. As my dying wish, you have to do one off of a male stripper and one off of a female stripper. Because that would be hilarious, and would make my death totally worth it.

Posted under The Rants on 1/24/10

Entered By Anonymous From Unknown
2010-01-24 14:45:48

Invite me please. This would be a funeral to remember.

Entered By Leslie From Texas
2010-01-28 16:42:29

Okay, seriously, you better shape up (literally), brother of mine, or just use the elevator, as your dear brother-in-law suggested. The Skittles bag, the panda belly and the Spongebob music I could handle, but there's no way I'm doing body shots off strippers -- male or female. I still have nightmares about that friend of yours who got some kind of eye infection from just getting in close proximity of one of your strippers. Call me prude (or just hygenic), but it's just not happening. Besides, your princess would re-kill you, then come after me.

Entered By Ray From Austin
2010-01-28 23:54:33

I think that whole crabs-in-the-eye thing was an urban legend. Plus, that guy wasn't my friend. My friends get their stripper diseases legit, they don't have to go making up stories about them.

Entered By Buttons From YouKnowExactly
2010-10-29 04:10:42

Hahahashagashaga I'll be there, wearing an eye patch to match the dolphin's. Don't die though, I have a bunch of boxes I need you to lift.

Entered By Rodak From Unknown
2010-10-29 11:12:31

You are a master of the Absurd! I love it!

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