So I'm back. From my trip out of town. Because I went to, uh...you bastards didn't even notice, did you?
Well, anyway, I'm back. Instead of writing anything tonight, I was planning on editing together some of the video I shot while I was driving. The project was a pain in the ass from pretty much the start, and when the program crashed for the fifth time, it didn't autosave, and didn't save any of my previous work, either.
So I said screw it. I had already spent three hours on it, and it wasn't worth wasting my entire night to try to rebuild it. Plus, some of the cuts were more luck than actual planning, so I doubt I could sync it up the right way a second time.
Plus, the video was grainy and shaky. Honestly, you're probably better off. I, on the other hand, am pissed.
I'm not gonna let it ruin my night, however, because something amazing happened this evening. Just before I left work, a transsexual came in.
One thing you should know about Austin is that there are a lot of freaks running around. Dudes who get breast augmentation, dress in women's clothing, and then grow a full beard. One time I saw a guy who dressed exactly like any other guy. But he had tits. Like true-as-surgery-can-get-you breasts.
I don't understand people like that. I mean, I like boobs as much as the next guy, but I'm not gonna run out and get them physically added to my body. Not through surgery, anyway--any boobs I get are gonna be earned the old fashioned way: through eating fast food.
So there are a lot of freaks running around. Not nearly as common are the people who actually try. Who put their heart into it, you know? The tranny who came in tonight, she was doing it up right. Great boobs, great body, tan skin, nice hair, and colored contact lenses. This chick was superfine.
I knew right away that there was something different with her, but until she spoke, I just assumed it was plastic surgery gone slightly awry. But then she started talking, and her voice shattered the illusion.
I don't have the deepest voice around, but I like to think that it's deep enough to alert people that I'm a male. Her voice was deeper than mine, by at least an octave.
As soon as I got off work, I did what I think most people in my place would do: I texted a co-worker, "Just had a smokin' hot transsexual come in. Suh-moke-in!"
And then I called my sister.
"What's goin' on?" I asked her when she answered the phone. She told me that she was playing with her new baby niece--my brother's kid--and talked for several seconds about how cute the baby was and how fun the family visit was going.
"Yeah, hey, that's cool," I told her. "But guess what? I just saw an incredibly gorgeous transsexual lady. Seriously, just out of control."
"Well how exciting for you."
"I know, it really was. I mean, I'm happily married, but for a second, the comic books almost worked." There is a long-standing joke in our family about comic books making someone gay. Don't ask.
"Did you take a picture?"
"No, I felt that might be out of line. I just undressed her with my eyes."
I'm classy like that.
"Okay, well I'm going to go--they're packing up, so I need to say my goodbyes."
"Okay. Tell everyone I said hi. And tell them that I saw a super-hot transsexual."
"The man who will steal you away from your wife?"
"If anyone with a penis could do it."
Then I called rik. I got her voicemail, which sounded a little sad. "Hey, rik's voicemail, you sounded a little down in the message, but I've got some news that will cheer you up: I just saw a smokin' hot transsexual, and it was awesome."
My phone started crackling, so I told rik's voicemail goodbye.
Minutes alter, my phone rang. It was rik.
"What're you doing?" she asked.
"Driving. What are you doing?"
"Looking at makeup in Target."
"Hey, speaking of makeup and targets, did you get my message about the transsexual? I left it for your voicemail."
"You called my voicemail my email, and it got offended."
"I realized that as soon as I hung up. The first time, I called it by the right name, but I was all flustered right before I hung up because of the crackling. I figured your voicemail would understand, because of the transsexual."
"So was it a man becoming a woman, or a woman being a man?"
"Man to woman. I don't give a shit about chicks turning to the dark side, they're worthless to me."
"Was it just a guy in girl's clothes?"
"Nope, she went the distance. Surgery, contacts, fake tan. Long, flowing hair. She looked good. If I wasn't married, I'd probably blow her."
"What's that mean?"
"It means I think you'd try."
"Well, yeah, I'm not saying that the most attractive transsexual I've ever seen would have anything to do with me, I'm just saying hypothetically. I mean, I'm not gonna rape her, if that's what you're implying."
"No, I'm just saying I don't think you could go through with it."
"Maybe, maybe not. For sure a handy, though."
"You think you would do that?"
"I'm in Target--you aren't tricking me into talking about this out loud."
"We could call it 'Shaking hands with Mr. Smith.'"
"So yeah, do you think you could shake Mr. Smith's hand?"
"You don't understand how hot this chick was. I think I could. If she was shaved. You open the pants to find a monster in the woods, all deals are off. I'd probably still let her shake hands with my Mr. Smith, though."
"I can't believe you're so selfish that you'd let someone shake hands with Mr. Smith but you wouldn't shake hands back."
"Well, proper upkeep is just as important as good etiquette. If everything's smooth, there would be a definite possibility."
"Are you serious?"
"I can never really tell anymore."
"You're so weird."
"Oh, hell, I forgot to get something for supper."
And that was where the conversation ended, more or less.
I tried to tell my princess about the episode, but she wasn't nearly as impressed as me, or as understanding as the previous recipients of the story. She just gave me that worried look like she does so often, and walked away.
Posted under The Rants on 1/20/10