I don't have much to say, but I figured I should get a post of some sort up, anyway. So you get all kinds of pieces.
Sometimes, I'll save a picture, or write down a topic or bit of conversation. I do this because I think it will eventually grow to be a complete post. Sometimes, though, instead of getting a post, I just forget what the hell I was doing with the jotted note or odd image. And when I get quite a few, a post like this happens.
I thought about explaining or discussing the crap I found this time around, but I decided against it. So let's get started.
A Conversation With My Sister
"So I was thinking about downloading some pictures off Facebook and putting them on my website, it'd be like, 'These are my cousins.'"
"No! Some of our family reads that. Some of those cousins, as a matter of fact."
"It's not gonna be bad stuff. Just like, 'See, this is why I'd have sex with my cousins, even though I know it's gross and wrong.' Something like that. It's flattering."
"Do NOT put anything like that on the internet."
A Conversation With A Co-Worker
"Man, being nice to someone like that, it's like the worst thing you can do to 'em."
"No. You can have your 'kill them with kindness' mentality, that's fine. But you know what's better than killing them with kindness?"
"Killing them with bitter, cynical, soul-breaking hatefulness. Ripping them apart with wit and rage and cleverness. Like that chick who just yelled at you? Don't apologize. Instead, you tell her, 'Look, it's too bad you had to abort your third fetus without any extra meth to get you through it, but don't come here straight from the clinic and take it out on us. Stop by the trailer house and yell at your dad-slash-boyfriend for knocking you up while he was drunk on moonshine, and THEN come in to get your fliers printed up.'"
"You're an evil fucker."
"Yes, because evil works for killing people. Kindness does not. Nobody has ever gone home and swallowed their tongue because of kindness."
A Different Conversation At Work
"You guys could've told me there was a motherfuckin' hobo in the bathroom. Seriously, what the fuck. Did I need to find that out by surprise? Oh, and he put the toilet paper on the floor? I'm not touching that. And you wouldn't believe how bad I have to pee."
"Any time a hobo shits, you gotta wait forty-five minutes, otherwise you catch a disease from the seat."
"I'm just pissing, but what if he has a parasite like those catfish in the Amazon? Swim up the stream. No way. Peein' my pants."
"Crevices should be cleaned. Thoroughly. No messing around, especially if there's going to be a tongue involved."
"But should there ever be a tongue involved in that particular crevice?"
"That's not the point. The point is that she should have known that all crevices were subject to investigation."
"I don't think that's fair. I mean, would you expect someone to assume the bend of their knee might be licked?"
"It's not like this is the first date, man. She's had a few weeks to understand me."
Oh, yeah. Him.
"His name is Rocco, and he punches pimps in the gut for no reason."
"His name isn't Rocco. Rocco is the pimp. The other guy, he's a cop."
"You should write about my life. I ate a brisket last night. The entire thing, I don't even know whose it was. There was a fire. You need to hear the story. I'll tell you at lunch."
But is it sugar-free?
"So...in theory...how much would your pee have to smell like Kool-Aid before you'd taste it?"
"Yes. But before you answer, smell this."
"She wanted wings, but they're getting cold."
"But they're called HOT wings. Can you have cold hot wings?"
"Well, they were hot, but now they- Actually, this box is still really warm."
"Please don't talk to me about her warm box. You'll get us both fired."
"Her box is warm and smells delicious and I want to eat the things inside."
"I'm about to throw up. You know that juice you get in your mouth when you chew gum? That's all I had to eat today, and I'm about to throw it up."
Filed under The Rants on 12/29/09