The other day, I'm driving down the street, like I do, and I hear a song. Something about it catches my ear, so I strain to listen; roll the windows up, turn the volume knob.
Is that guy rapping about bacon?
Logically, you know that nobody's rapping about bacon. Even though bacon is awesome. Baggy pants hanging around your ass, pistols turned sideways, gold teeth, bacon. See how that doesn't really fit with the rest of the image?
I listened closer. The guy, I don't know who it is, he's going off about bacon. Is this where rap music is going? Because I'm totally behind this movement. Make a dance where you just stand there pantomiming stuffing your face with delicious bacon, I'm gonna be a hit at the clubs.
"Just got bacon I can't move! I love bacon, yes I do!" Hell. Yes.
The guy goes on and on about how great bacon is, how if you don't like it, you're a fool. How he needs it so he can sleep. Seriously, this dude loves his bacon.
"This should be the Portly Boy theme song," I think to myself. I'm envisioning a scene where Portly Boy and Arnie are walking down the street all bad ass, with this song about bacon playing.
All the time, I realize that there's no way there's a rap song about bacon. Because that would be stupid.
Once home, I Google the lyrics. All I know is that the artist is a guy named Plies. Turns out, that's enough. Also turns out that this song is not about bacon at all. It's about Becky.
Here, listen for yourself:
(lyrics are not safe for work, if you can actually understand them)
Becky? Yes, Becky. So what, is Becky the name of this guy's girlfriend? His daughter? His high school English teacher who encouraged him to annihilate the language to a background of heavy beats?
No. The only people who name a song after a girlfriend are 80's hair bands. That's just common knowledge. So I decide to dig deeper. With the help of Urban Dictionary.
I quickly discover that Becky is slang for oral sex. Specifically, giving oral sex to guys. How it works is, white girls give good head, and Becky is a common white girl name. Ah-ha! Except...well, let your cursor hover over the Urban Dictionary link for a second.
I never dated this Becky girl, but I heard things. Terrible, terrible things. Let's move on.
Anyway, white girls do give pretty awesome head. I can think of three names I'd rather give to the act of cocking up your laugh-hole, but that's probably a personal bias. Who am I to question Mr. Plies?
I'm a little disappointed that the female rap stars have dropped the ball, though. I feel like there should totally be a song about white guys excelling at going down. Because we do. Seriously, we do. The dorky ones, especially. Find some goofy fuck with Spider-Man posters on the wall and a deep knowledge of Magic: The Gathering, and you're guaranteed a ten-orgasm night. And that's all before he has to get back to his mother's basement at midnight. The smell and the perma-stained Cheetos fingers are pretty awful, but it beats getting gang-banged by a frat house full of dudes who think a clitoris is something you get if you don't floss.
Lil Kim touched on it, kind of, but she gave the true props to Italians. Really? Really? Because all the Italian dudes I know are selfish d-bags who care more about their hair than they do about getting a chick off. I blame racism. She has to talk a certain way about white guys. He bought you a horse, Lil Kim? Did he really? I'm calling wishful thinking on that one. I'm also going to say that you never gave the right kind of white guy a chance.
You don't even have to lower your standards completely--just find a band geek who learned a few tricks on the band bus and then started working out in college. Or the metrosexual who has to prove himself in other areas. Or the desperate, socially awkward nerd who fears this might be his only chance to see a real live naked girl. It's called a dorkgasm, and it'll leave your legs shaking for two hours, minimum.
Anyway, I can't remember what the hell I was talking about, except that bacon is awesome and geeky white guys rock at giving head. Even braces can't stop us--we're smart enough to learn how to use them as stimulation devices.
So, ummmm...yeah. 'Night, kids.
Entered By TreyFrom Cowtown 2009-11-07 06:21:23
Entered By deanFrom Unknown 2009-11-07 08:04:13
intel gathered suggests men are unreliable purveyors of the female orgasm, be they dorks or otherwise, and resourceful females are, well, resourceful in meeting their own needs . . . check the nightstand . . . i'll wait . . . yeah, that's what i thought . . .
Entered By RayFrom Austin 2009-11-07 13:17:22
Dean--you're doing it wrong.
Entered By Hometown girlFrom Canadian 2009-11-07 13:40:20
Dean your wrong I know one dork guy who excells at it. No names mentioned but I'm just saying. Ray your right white girls are very good at it. LOL
Entered By KarenFrom Indiana 2009-11-07 17:12:33
I'll never forget the Playboy interview with Drew Carey - it was quite awhile ago. He went on and on about how much he liked going down on women. Like seriously, it was his favorite thing to do. It was just kind of amusing (but of course put him in a whole new light. lol.) Back to the beginning of this post, that's funny that you thought he was singing about bacon.
Entered By CharlieMineFrom An Airport Near You 2009-11-07 18:26:59
Ray....I'm coming to visit you, Ray. I'm classifying it as a scientific expedition, though, so it's legit. Just need to verify that the information you are providing is correct, as judged by a panel of your peers. I'd hate for you to mislead anyone about said areas of expertise.
Entered By PaparazziFrom Rodeo Drive 2009-11-07 18:33:01
I'm pretty sure it was SnoopDogg with the "Will Work For Becky" sign. And I'm pretty sure fat chicks give the best head, are the best at deep throating, the tightest, and the most likely to engage in anal sex. Just what I've heard.
Entered By JamesFrom Austin 2009-11-07 20:29:44
Ray, why were you listening to a radio station that would even play this song -- are you secretly retarded?
Entered By RayFrom Austin 2009-11-07 22:40:34
See, Dean, I told you. Karen, this post was originally going to be mostly just about me jamming out to a song about bacon. When I was home recently, I told my sister about how I was driving down the road yelling out about how I needed bacon all the time. Charlie, you'll just have to take my word for it--I only do science with one lady these days. Paparazzi, for a clan that's supposed to be mostly pictures, you are an excellent news source. James, I really like rap music (although not songs like this). I catch a lot of shit for it from my uppity-music friends, but I like what I like.
Entered By JamesFrom Austin 2009-11-08 00:25:20
I'm going to go ahead and put you down for a "yes" on the secret retardation then.
Entered By RayFrom Austin 2009-11-08 01:10:26
Do what you gotta do. I'm at peace with my musical predilections.