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First-Of-The-Month Quotes: Blood Sacrifice by Ray Printer Friendly

Here's something you might not know: Any time you have blood taped to your desk, you're going to lose the argument. Any argument. Allow me to explain, and then we'll see what Quotes we have for this month, yeah?

I've mentioned before about how my calendar starts out all pristine and wonderful at the first of the month, and then, within a matter of days--sometimes hours--it's mangled, stained, and basically ruined.

But what can you do? It's not like you can just skip to the next month, because that one gets ruined, too, and on top of that, you'll never know what days are what.

Or, in my case, you'll lose your quotes.

So about a week into this month, I got blood on my calendar. It happens. I wiped it up the best that I could, but bloodstains are tricky business. It was right at the front of my desk, and I felt it was kind of creepy to have blood just sitting there where I'd have to touch it every time I typed.

So I put some pieces of tape over it. Not the most elegant solution in the world, but screw it--it's my desk, and nobody else should be sitting here anyway.

My princess, however, did not find my solution acceptable, and has used pretty much any excuse possible to bring it up.

For example,

"Hey, don't drink out of my glass--that's gross."

"You have blood taped to your desk--don't tell me I'm gross."


"Hey, you didn't close the refrigerator door."

"Yeah? Well, I'm not the one with blood taped to my desk!"


"There was thi-"


I didn't, of course.

So I'm sure she's looking forward to October more than normal this year, even if it means listening to me whine and complain about how I never get to go home and visit my family anymore.

Anyway, here are the Quotes. I nuked 'em again. I'd blame it on brain damage, but I realized my phone deletes the shit out of where I save them any time I take out the battery. I'm like a techno-Sherlock Holmes. Instead of clues and opium, I use Google and Ecstasy. "The game's afoot, Watson. It's Dance, Dance Revolution!"

Yeah, sorry. Anyway…


"When was the last time you tried to strangle a Chihuahua?"

"Yesterday. Wait…is it midnight?"


"Every time I start rapping, someone tries to hit me with a car."


"If you don't stop talking, I am going to stab you in the mouth."


"Why would you pay a hooker you were just going to kill anyway?"

"Because I'm not a thief."


"Once you have one kid, your life is over. From there, it's just a matter of degrees."


"You tried to justify your existence and failed?"


"I don't talk about old women's vaginas."

"Yes you do."

"Not in polite company."

"You're doing it right now."


"So you're saying if I took Vicodin, I could sleep through shitting myself? Because it keeps waking me up, and I find it very annoying."


"I feel like I am a sound bite."


"I just saw a huge fat guy in a pink shirt ride by on a scooter. I wish there were still dinosaurs so one would eat him."


"I keep it chained in the bathroom, I like to beat it and fuck it on Saturday night. That's what I do with my insanity."


"So for Halloween, you're going as an aborted fetus in a jar of semen? Nah, I don't see how that could be offensive to anyone."


As always, feel free to add your own in the comment section below. Or, you know...just comment, if you feel like it. Whatever sounds your tube, buddy.

posted 10/02/09

Entered By Karen From Indiana
2009-10-02 03:32:17

I lol'd at your wife's excuses to bring up the blood stains. Hilarious. And thanks to your mad html title skillz, I avoided whatever is up over at wikipedia.

Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-10-02 03:35:33

Ha! I just typed this message to someone who had mentioned they were scared to click the link: "Hover over it for a second, the link description for the hearing impaired usually gives you a pretty good idea whether you should click it or not."

Entered By Anonymous From Unknown
2009-10-02 03:53:08

I have a human skull on my desk, and assorted bones in a box under my desk. They are legal, and relate to my work. However, my family, the one time they came to visit, would not enter my office. Not because of the remains, but because of the harmless rosy boa in an enclosed tank. A human skull on my desk, no whoop. A 9 inch snake? That explains a lot, doesn't it?

Entered By Dead but financially successful hooker From Under your desk
2009-10-03 14:01:21

OMG, you have a 9 incher!?!? Ray, you keep saying you have a tiny dick! You're holdin' out on me, Boy!

Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-10-03 21:14:32

The snake guy wasn't me. And I refuse to believe you are the dead hooker under my desk--she can't type with all those missing fingers.

Entered By James From Austin
2009-10-04 22:30:04

Hey Ray, if it is an Asian dead hooker that is under your desk (and I like to imagine that it is), then she can probably still type by kegeling her vagina. Just something to consider

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