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Pole Patrol--Coming This Fall To ABC by Ray Printer Friendly

I made a mistake tonight. One that I have never made before. I wrote an entire post using only the story entry form. And then I didn't copy it before hitting the "submit" button, and the entire shit got nuked. Which was too bad, really, because it was quite clever.

I'm going to give it another try, but if my heart doesn't seem to be in it, please forgive me--it feels weird writing the same stuff again, like I'm the old guy at the office Christmas party who only has that one joke, and he keeps forgetting that he already told it to you.


I was supposed to write tonight. Instead, I fell asleep on the floor underneath my desk. That's my new spot for sleeping during the day, due to the fact that my princess has a predilection for doing things other than sitting in the dark being silent when I'm trying to take a nap.

When I woke up, it was almost eleven, and I knew that if I wanted to get any writing done, I was going to have to get serious about it. So I double-clicked the Firefox icon and spent the next two hours looking at random crap on the internet. Because getting serious about writing doesn't work for me nearly as well as looking at funny pictures.

During my procrastination session, I came across this:

In case you don't feel like watching it, allow me to tell you what it is. It is two minutes and fifty seconds of awesomeness. The video is a little longer than that, but the introduction panels are irritatingly long, and at the end, it's just these ladies smiling and waving. But in between that, there is the 2009 US Pole Dance Championship.

Did you know that was a thing? Pole Dancing Championship? Because I didn't. And now that I do, I can't stop thinking about it. One thought keeps going through my mind: elite super squad fighting force.

Because these women, they're like super heroes. They climb up the poles using only their fingers and forearms. They suspend themselves with their legs. They do headstands and then bend all the way backwards like a piece of cardboard left out in the rain.

It's freaky and arousing and awesome. There is so much potential for some sort of elite fighting squad. I'm not even going to go the Charlie's Angels sexist route here. Like, they don't have to dress up as sexy flight attendants or sexy nurses or anything else you think about when you think of pole dancing. They don't have to take on stupid missions like busting a massage parlor for prostitution. They will be elite. World-changing, black ops, James Bond elite.

There's a woman at the 1:26 mark that drops from the pole and lands on her vagina. She's doing the splits and then just drops. She hits the ground so hard, she bounces. On her vagina.

The woman at the 2:19 mark is like Spider-Man on meth. With boobs. And revealing clothing.

And at 2:38, the lady holds herself up using only her armpit. My armpit barely holds up my arm, and this woman is suspending her entire body weight with hers.

It's astounding.

Ideally, the jobs would revolve around fire houses or playgrounds or strip clubs--wherever they had those poles. But I bet these chicks could still be badass with just like a rope or something, too, right? Sure, they couldn't do all their fancy tricks, but if you're breaking in to assassinate a dictator, you probably don't want to be drawing that much attention anyway.

Shimmy down the rope using your armpit, bust in the window with your mighty vagina, and then break his neck with your incredible forearms. Throw on some Def Leppard and then dance on out of there. Easy peasy, baby!

I was in the production department at my job the other day, and I saw them working on a card for The Yellow Rose. The Yellow Rose is a strip club here in Austin (I'd link to it, but their home page has annoying video, so screw 'em), and the card was advertising the fact that they were going to have the women from Brass Ovaries.

I'm not real big into strip clubs, so I just chuckled at the clever name--Haha, Brass Ovaries, I get it--and went on my way. But after seeing the pole-dancing video and realizing my destiny of forming an elite group of super fighters, I decided that it needed some further investigation. Guess what I found on the instructors page. Only that they're all in incredible shape, and one of the ladies even has experience in kickboxing and martial arts.

Seriously, how hard would it be to turn them into sexy little ninjas? Not very hard, I bet.

Well, except for the fact that I'm an over-weight, middle-aged, creepy-looking fellow, who totally looks like the kind of freak who'd have his white rape-van parked out behind the dumpster in the strip club parking lot.

So if I approach these women with a line like, "I'm forming an elite group of pole dancers for a secret mission," I'll more than likely get a kick to the nuts instead of a volunteer. And you've seen how muscular these women are--a kick to the crotch, my testicles are going to be shooting out of my eye sockets, and my dick will flop out of my mouth like an extra tongue.

No thank you.

Which leaves me only one option: I'll have to drug them and kidnap them. Maybe keep them locked in the basement until I can earn their trust. For the good of the world, not just because I want a basement full of pole dancers.

Because I want to make the world a better pla...hunh. A basement full of pole-dancers, eh?

You know, on second thought, I would hate to place these women in danger. Perhaps they'd be safer if they were in my basement. Dressed in skimpy outfits. Dancing. Maybe with each other, if they felt like it.

Listen, I have to go pick up some roofies and some lotion. I'll talk to you guys later.

posted 8/29/09

Entered By Anonymous From Unknown
2009-08-29 16:32:47

Elite fighting strippers slide down ropes with one armpit--you got that part right. But they bust the window with their forearms, and break the guy's neck with their vaginas. Just so you know. Accuracy is important, when you're discussing the fate of the world. And your basement.

Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-08-30 06:37:28

Killing a guy with your vagina seems so cliche, though. Welp, I guess cliches are cliches for a reason.

Entered By Anonymous From Unknown
2009-08-30 08:52:05

Oh, yeah? And how many guys have you killed with YOUR vagina, Ray? Cliche my man-crushing va-jayjay! Hey, I just asked for a stripper pole for my birthday. Should I post pictures? ;)

Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-08-30 14:47:02

I think we all know that if I had a vagina, I wouldn't spend nearly as much time writing for The Strangelands. Or going outside. Or doing anything, really, except playing with my vagina. Asking for a stripper pole is one of the coolest birthday requests I've ever heard. And if your request is granted, you should definitely post pictures, because otherwise, I will never believe that you got a stripper pole for your birthday.

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