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Bumper Stickers by Ray Printer Friendly

I'm not what you'd call a cheerful person under the best of times. Spending an hour in traffic after working all day does nothing to improve my mood. And seeing moronic bumper stickers all the way home just makes everything worse.

Because I live in Austin, it's usually stupid hippie shit, like, "I'm already protesting the next war," or "Vegan: Because it's never dead enough for me."

In case you were wondering, yes I really did see those two bumper stickers. Today, as a matter of fact. I also saw one from the other end of the spectrum.

"Abortion is the ultimate child abuse," it informed me. The minivan sporting it cut me off and slammed on its brakes. Then it crossed into another lane, slammed on the brakes again, and then veered back in front of me, almost catching my fender in the process.

We ended up at a red light, and I was forced to wait behind the asshole in the minivan. And I couldn't stop reading his idiotic bumper sticker. There was another one right beside it that claimed he was the proud parent of a cub scout. Both proclamations enraged me.

The thing is, I think bumper stickers are pretty stupid to begin with. No matter what the message is, when I see a bumper sticker on a vehicle, what I read is, "I'm an idiot. I found this strip of vinyl that is printed with some words I would have said if I was smart enough to think up my own thoughts. Also, I feel that the world around me needs to know how I feel about the topic mentioned on said vinyl."

You know what? Nobody gives a shit. Nobody cares how you feel or who your kid is or how they do in school. Nobody thinks you are intelligent or witty or clever.

Do you think your stupid bumper sticker about abortion being child abuse has changed one mind? Even one? Because it hasn't.

Do you think that some pregnant girl was on her way to the abortion clinic and saw your sticker and went, "Hey, it is the ultimate child abuse! I wouldn't punch a baby would I?! Well, an abortion is like a hundred punches, punches that kill the baby."

And so she goes to church instead.

That doesn't happen. What happens is that some asshole like me gets stuck behind your piece of shit van, and stares at your fool plumage until I'm seeing red, until I want to kick open my door and jerk your kid out into the street and beat the holy fuck out of him. And then I'll throw his bloodied-up cub scout sash at you, I'll slap you in the face with his goo-covered cap, over and over and over again, and I will tell you, "No, bitch, this is the ultimate child abuse! This is!" And I'll leave you weeping in the street as I walk to the rear of your fan and smear the innards of little Timmy cub scout all over your stupid-ass bumper sticker.

Do I need to be locked up for that kind of behavior? Absolutely. Shit, man, I should probably be locked up for even imagining that kind of scenario. But do you deserve it? Yes. Yes you do.

Because if you decorate a piece of equipment that costs thousands--or even hundreds--of dollars with some idiotic sticker, you're an asshole.

Remember kids--bumper stickers belong on steamer trunks and the butts of fat people.

No exceptions.*

* Okay, there are a couple of exceptions. Like if you have a kid, and he gets a bumper sticker from school or something, you should for sure stick that on there. My parents never gave a shit about the bumper stickers I brought home, and I'm pretty sure it scarred me. That's why I act like this. So put the sticker on there, but only until the kid forgets about it, and then peel it off and bury it in the trash.

The other exception is if you make up your own bumper sticker. Like if you made one up that said, "Save the planet, Kill a baby." and you put it right next to one of those Jesus fish. Or maybe one that said, "My son would have been an honor student, if I hadn't aborted him a long time ago."

Or maybe create one that's super long. "Abortion is the ultimate child abuse. Unless you count sexual molestation. You know, you're there in bed, and you hear the floor panels creak, and you swear you can already smell his sweat, and if you tell your mom, she'll hit you in the face with a wooden spoon and she'll scream that you're a lying little whore. And then you end up giving your History teacher a blowjob so that you can pass, because no matter how hard you try, you just can't remember the dates of things, and you have to pass this class, you just have to, so you can get out of this horrible little town, and away from your awful parents. But instead of passing you, he starts feeling guilty and he writes a note telling everyone about how he used to get head from you in the bathroom, and then he blows his brains out all over the place. So you're still stuck in your shitty little town, and now everyone knows you're a whore, and your dad is so mad that he beats the shit out of you with a strap every night before he rapes you. Compared to all that, being flushed down the toilet before you're cognizant enough to feel doesn't seem so bad."

Okay, look...I went to kind of a dark place there. I feel like I should explain myself a bit, which generally means I should just delete the post. I am not making light of child molestation--quite the opposite, in fact. And neither am I encouraging you to take the shortest route to the abortion clinic.

I just get disgusted, you know? Preach your simple-minded bullshit to your fellow morons, okay? Don't preach to me while I'm just trying to get home after an honest day's work. And don't speak in absolutes to me when you know nothing of the other side of the fence. Be it eating meat or keeping the baby to term or any of the million other ideals you smear on your bumper.

You and your car both just need to shut the fuck up.

posted 8/21/09

Entered By Karen From Indiana
2009-08-21 03:32:11

How timely is this post?! No, I haven't molested a child or had an abortion today, but I did see a bumper sticker and I SWEAR I almost took a picture of it. File this one in the good bumper sticker stack, small as that stack may be. "I'm a bitch. I'm just not yours." Now that's good stuff.

Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-08-21 03:39:24

You're fooling no one--we all know about your abortion addiction. How many abortions have you had today? 12, I bet.

Entered By James From Austin
2009-08-21 04:07:45

Hey Ray, I love the scenario from that long bumper sticker. It reminds me of this part of David Foster Wallace's Infinite Jest, where this woman says she became an alchaholic because her adopted father used to rape her sister (his biological daughter), and that her sister, who she shared a room with, was mentally and physically handicapped to the point she was practically in a vegetative state, and that the father would put a Rachel Welch mask on the daughter, and scream Rachel Welch as he came. And the woman would always clean up her sister and take off the mask and redress her (since she could not really move on her own), and one time after the father was done raping the sister, the woman was cleaning her up again, and when she took off the mask, she saw in the slackened drooling face of the handicap sister a look of orgasmic pleasure. Ofcourse, pretty much everything reminds me of that.

Entered By Anonymous From Unknown
2009-08-21 21:24:57

Rachel Welch has a weird mouth. Like a... like a dirty, retard mouth.

Entered By Pope Agnostic III From Ray's underpants
2009-08-22 08:43:35

"Jesus is coming. Look busy." That's my favorite bumper sticker.

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