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Mystery of the Turd by Trey Printer Friendly

I work in an office. I'm surrounded by well dressed, college educated professionals.

I work with people who should be able to handle most of what life throws their way.

2 hour conference calls? No sweat.

Boring corporate lunches? Cool.

Life or death last minute deal making? Pudding.

But somehow, someway, just outside the stall door, at the end of a long brown streak, there is a naked turd on the floor of the bathroom.

How does this happen?

I don't recall every leaving a turd on the floor anywhere? Am I the only one?

My mind boggles as I try to figure this out.

Is there some obscure piece of bathroom etiquitte I haven't heard about?

Like a belch after dinner in Turkey, is a turd on the floor of the bathroom a sign of appreciation to the janitors?

"Gosh, you guys do such a nice job cleaning this place up... here's a turd!"

Seems like something I would have encountered before.

Or is it a cultural thing? Perhaps there's a gentleman from Turdanistan crouching in front of the bowl, happily washing his hands in the toilet water while laying some pipe across the tile.

But then wouldn't I be encountering this sort of thing on a daily basis?

Could it be a silent cry for help? Some poor overworked executive melting down and needing a hug. Too tough to reach out to his fellow office workers, instead he carefully places a sculpted turd on the bathroom floor, and now sits waiting for someone to come in to his office and confront him about it.

Enter Mr. Porkman. Chairman of the board.

"Bob, did you perhaps leave something in the bathroom?"

"Why, whatever do you mean Mr. Porkman?"

"I'll cut to the chase, Bob. We found it. We found your turd. The board and I have discussed this, and, well, we understand."

"Really? Really you do Mr. Porkman?"

"Yes Bob. You've overworked and underpaid. We're giving you a week's vacation and a raise."

"Oh thank you Mr. Porkman, thank you."

"You're welcome Bob, and we're sorry you had to poop on the floor like that just to get our attention."

"Mr. Porkman, you're the best."

"No Bob, you are. And Bob, that was a turd to be proud of. Now come here and give me a hug!"

Cue violins. Cut to a closeup of the turd. Roll credits.

I'm just not sure.

Maybe it's just one of those things I won't understand until I'm older.

When I'm 65 and being shuffled out to pasture, perhaps I'll sneak out of my retirement party just long enough to steal a final box of pens and lay a fat turd right across the doorway of the bathroom stall. My final F'you to the whole lot of em.

Or maybe I'll just forget where I am and start pooping everywhere.

What about Quantam Physics? Did a wormhole open below someone's ass in one bathroom and transport the turd onto the floor in this one?


All is not knowable by man. Perhaps this is for the best.

Maybe, like the immaculate conception or Keith Richards, the turd on the floor is just one of life's unexplainable mysteries.

Entered By James From Austin
2009-08-19 21:17:04

I worked a pizza place when I was in High school. We had this morbidly obese delivery driver there named Tiny. Now, every time Tiny defecated in the restroom the combination of his gigantic ass and an apparently constant case of explosive diarrhea caused him to shit all over not only the toilet, but the floor and walls around the toilet. In defense of this, the manager of the store -- who was insane by the way-- filled the storage room that connected the bathroom to the rest of the store with boxes so that only a normal sized human could fit through. After that Tiny started having to use the bathroom at the gas station around the corner.

Entered By Trey From Turdville
2009-08-19 21:46:52

Hmmm... This turd isn't in the stall nor the result of diarrhea. Rather, it is a well formed turd on the floor outside the stall. Thus I doubt Tiny is the culprit. But just to be sure, I'll be on the lookout for a morbidly obese man with poop stained fingers.

Entered By Trey From Pooptown
2009-08-19 22:00:04

Turd Update: It has now moved a few feet from it's original location and rests next to a huge stack of paper towels on the floor. Judging from the numerous poop streaks covering the tile, it appears that gnomes have been playing kick ball with the turd. I have no idea what the paper towels are for.

Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-08-20 05:37:56

Man, I remember hearing you tell stories just like this when you lived in New York. I...well, I hate to say it, but I think it's you doing this. Like maybe you go to the can, zone out, and then snap back to reality after you've dumped lumber on the floor. Are people always asking you if you know Tyler TURDen?

Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-08-20 05:44:06

Oh, and everyone knows that paper towels are the currency for poop gnomes. That brown recycled stuff that doesn't absorb water and makes your hands smell like dirty closet? That's like hundred dollar bills to those little bastards.

Entered By Trey From Fecalville
2009-08-20 15:09:33

I protest my innocence. NYC was a different situation. Just because it involves feces does not make it the same thing. The turds in NYC were always in the stall, usually centered around the toilet, mostly just sprinkled across the top of the seat. My best guess was that some people from a culture using squat toilets (i.e. holes in the ground) was trying to squat on the rim of the toilet. They probably thought us Americans have incredible balance and bowel control. The turd inspiring this post was outside the stall.

Entered By Trey From Dingleberry
2009-08-20 15:14:43

And when people ask me if I'm Tyler (ahem) TURDen, I just tell them "No, he's moved to Austin and changed his name to Ray. His favorite things in the world are scrap booking and a surprise Dirty Sanchez from a stranger. Here's his address."

Entered By Karen From Indiana
2009-08-21 03:39:48

Wow. I liked everyone's contribution to this. James, that is wrong, but hilarious, what the manager did to Tiny at the pizza place. Trey from Dingleberry, nicely played. And lastly, should there be a turd cam set up, since you're reporting it moving around the restroom. You know, "this page automatically refreshes every 3 minutes."

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