Author's Note: This post shows that it was written on the 13th, but that's because our server is weird. Rest assured that this is still part of Hate Week.
I wrote this post the other night. I had started out talking about browser issues, and then decided that I needed to do something more dynamic, so I switched it to a list, because as we all know from business meetings, there is nothing more exciting than a list. When I woke up the next day, I realized the post sucked, so I chopped the second part off, wrote more about browser issuesóbecause thatís as stimulating as getting a handjob from the first lady on national TVóand saved this part. No real reasonómy princess told me I hate throwing things away. She told me Iím a clear-cut case of a collector, and when I started to argue, she whipped out a paperboard coaster that Trey got for Christmas four years ago.
He wanted to throw them away, but instead, I ended up with them. I mailed them from New York City to Austin with the rest of my stuff when I moved. Yep, I paid shipping for them. And as if that wasnít bad enough, they are also covered in stickers from fruit. Like, you know how that apple youíre about to eat has that annoying little circle with a bunch of numbers on it? Yeah, I have coasters covered with those. Also, several pages of a little notebook.
The worst part is that as far as issues go, this is way down on the list.
Anyway, I looked it over tonight, changed some things, and decided to post it again. Mostly because I have a soft spot in my heart for Hate Week lists. A soft spot that is probably cancer.
20 Things Iíve Recently Hated
1. My testicles. Okay, you two, weíve been together for three decades now, you canít learn to move out of the way when I sit down? Or do you just like the squeal of pain that I emit when Iím suddenly overwhelmed by intense pain? Seriously, Iíd totally do ball-removal surgery if you werenít the main thing I use to make myself memorable when meeting new people.
2. Old people. Do I really need to explain this one? If so, here is the shortened version: old people suck a rotten dick.
3. The sun. Seriously, you lousy bastard, how many days are you going to make it over a hundred degrees in this once-pleasant town? Are you serving me to your pet dog, but youíre waiting for me to make my own gravy first? Probably thatís what it is. I hope your dog throws me up all over your carpet. You cosmic asshole.
4. Pigeons. I donít understand the deal with these lazy bastards. Itís called altitude, bitches, look it up. (I already mentioned them in another post, but they suck so bad, I figure they can be mentioned again.
5. That tranny hooker on the corner that swears itís a real woman, and that it is also not a hooker. Sure, tranny, so you just wear that nun outfit around for fun?
6. Eating Cheetos so fast that I get a couple of Ďem stuck in my nose.
7. People who judge me because I have Cheetos in my nose. And in my pants. I like Cheetos, man, what of it?
8. Math. Oh, math, you dirty whore of a beast, I donít know how you escaped from hell, but I dream of the day when a hero slays you and sends you back.
9. Undercover cops who act all nice to you until they get your money, and then itís all, ďOn the ground, you freak scumbag pile of garbage!Ē And then when another cop shows up, and the first cop tells him what you had propositioned, he throws up all over himself, and it splatters all over your leather underpants. And then you get tasered, until the first cop says no, stop, the sick bastardís into that. So they stop.
10. The internet. Because it allows your mother to easily find out about what youíre up to, and she calls you and says sheís so disappointed in you, you could have done something with your life. Did you know that the neighbors saw this, what is wrong with you? And you try to defend yourself, but you canít talk right because youíre in Walmart and you been huffing a bunch of those big ole markers they sell. Also, youíre masturbating with fishing bait.
11. When Jimmy Don and Frankie Joe knew that security guard was coming, and they didnít even tell youójust took off with all the bait. So I guess that technically the thing I hate here is being handcuffed to a bench in Walmart with no pants. Although, according to my nether-parts, I didnít hate it too bad.
12. Pepper spray on the butthole. You might think you can outrun that stream, but trust meóyou canít. Especially with your pants around your ankles.
13. This list. It seems like Iíve said most of this stuff several times before. When shit like this is repetitive, your life is in some serious trouble.
14. Boy dolphins who confuse me with girl dolphins. In front of everyone at Sea World.
15. When some dolphin is raping you, and you know thereís no way to fight it, so you just try to block it out, like meditate or whatever, but your treacherous brain conjures up the first time you saw naked boobs. So when the dolphin trainers finally save you, you have this clearly visible erection, like you enjoyed being humped by a dolphin. Even though you totally didnít. Seriously, you didnít. Those bills from dolphinlove.com are only because you thought it was a website for rehabilitation from this kind of thing.
16. When youíre eating a chocolate chip cookie and you realize that those arenít chocolate chips.
17. Getting smacked in the face with a used condom. Donít ask. Seriously.
18. Scientists who wonít genetically alter kittens to have skateboards for feet.
19. Airplane toilets. You read those stories, right? About a huge chunk of frozen feces crashing through someoneís house? So you save up for days, youíre about to explode when you get on the plane, and as soon as the ďfasten seatbeltĒ light switches off, you make a mad dash. You shit your masterpiece, you flush. And thenÖnothing. Just a regular old poop, instead of a fecal bomb landing on some old lady while she gardens.
20. Some old lady while she gardens. Iíll get you, old lady, if itís the last thing I do! With my frozen feces!