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We're All Weeners by Ray Printer Friendly

I'll tell you one thing kids: you sit down at the same desk, you turn on the same song, you feel the fan blow on your arm in the exact same way as it does every time you adjust the exact same volume knob.

And hey, itís all good, right? This life, itís satisfactory, isnít it? Shit, thereís starving kids inÖwherever. There are people getting killed in Iran, people getting kidnapped or skinned down in Mexico, people starving under bridges right here in these United States of America.

Comparatively speaking, doing the same old shit really isnít that bad.

But you know what? I want more.

Iím getting older, and my friends are getting older right along with me, and I notice that a lot of them have stopped talking about what theyíre going to do with their lives and have started talking about what they didnít do with their lives. They say things like, ďI always thought I was going to do something more, something bigger. And now I realize that Iím not.Ē They say things like, ďYou know, at some point, you just have to accept that your life isnít going to be something special.Ē

Whinehole alligator is sad, but he hides it well.

And to them, I say, stop your whining, you mega-pussies. One thing the world doesnít need is another quitter. Another person who thinks itís okay to throw in the towel and accept whatever table-scrap life that the bitch called Fate decides to push off her plate with her plastic-handled, fake-stainless-steel-coated spoon.

Hereís the thing, Strangelanders: any time you stop trying to be something better, youíre quitting. And quitting is worse than losing.

Which was all really just a pretty much unrelated lead-in to tonightís Hate Week rant.

We live in a world polluted by people who are too scared to try, and Iím sick and fucking tired of it. Weíve been polluted by failures hidden within niceties, by failures camouflaged in good intentions, by cowardice covered with kind words.

The kid who comes in last place in the sack race, he gets a trophy just like everyone else, because we donít want to hurt his feelings by implying that heís some kind of a loser. The kid who plays the cowardly lion in the school production of The Wizard of Oz gets his name changed to the friendly lion, because we donít want imply that the little guy isnít brave. The fat girl still gets an A in gym class because we donít want to damage her fat little psyche.

Why? Because itís better for the kid to grow up without negativity?

Bullshit. I grew up with loads of negativity, and Iím a better person for it. Sure, Iím a little messed up in the head, but no more than anyone else on this crazy ride called life. You know what? I was that fat little kid who lost all the time. Did it suck? You bet your ass it did. But Iím glad I lost, because it taught me about life.

I sucked at football, I sucked at basketball, I sucked at baseball. I learned this by losing. And instead of whining to my mommy about it, instead of crying to the newspaper about how the school should do something about it, I decided to try other things, to find my strengths. I decided to look into myself and find what I was truly good at, instead of deciding the world should lower its standards so I could be good at what I wanted.

I think thatís how it was meant to be done. Donít lower the learning curve because you have some idiots who would rather play Xbox than study. If they fail, they fail. Pass the kids who excel, reward them for their hard work and dedication. Make the kids who donít want to try take the class again.

But no. Instead, you have Nancy No-place running up and raising a shitstorm because her kid is doing lousy in school. Sheís not going to sit down with the kid each night and go over his home workóhell no, that would require actual parenting, and why should she have to do that? Itís much easier to piss and moan until all the standards are lowered, and her fuckwit kid looks average in the land of mediocrity.

I think what happened is that you started out with all these whining sniveling jerk-holesóprobably baby-boomersówho, instead of doing something with their lives, sat around smoking weed and fucking or snorting blow and fucking and just basically being selfish, worthless pieces of shit.

And then one day, they realize that theyíre in their forties, and they havenít accomplished what they wanted. Their lives arenít what they wanted. And instead of doing something proactive about it, they just started corrupting their children. Turning them into bitchy little chimps who would rather write hateful letters to radio stations than change the channel.

I think thatís where weíre at now, is you have all these kids who were raised believing that the world owes you something, that you deserve to be happy. And if something is too hard, or too rude, or too different, it should be changed.

Except they arenít kids, anymore. Theyíre in their thirties now, in their forties, and theyíre raising their own children to be even bigger pussies.

And hereís the thing about weak, sniveling, whiny little douchebags: even though theyíre weak, sniveling, whiny little douchebags, when thereís enough of them, they can outnumber a regular person. They can alter the way we get to live our lives, they can censor the words weíre allowed to say. They can pass laws so that the rest of us have no choice but be like them.

I canít say midget anymore? I canít say the kid came in last place? I canít tell a student ďno,Ē because that implies he is mistaken? Iím suddenly trapped into pussy-speak, parroting the approved lingo, careful to think only approved thoughts.

Fuck that.

I refuse to preach your bleached-anus messages, your smooth-faced, clean-cut, sterilized nonsense.

Donít get me wrongóif the fat kid falls down in a race, Iím not going to laugh and point, but Iím not going to force the skinny kid to slow down so that the fat kid can still come in a close third, either.

What nobody seems to understand anymore is that there is a line between being truly empathetic, caring and nurturing, or being an attention whore ass-sucker who just starts trouble all the time.

There is a difference between standing up for a true cause, or just being a whiny douche-puppy.

Thereís a line, and it isnít even a thin one. Make sure youíre on the correct side.

So how does any of this tie in with my opening? Maybe it doesnít.

But Iíll tell you something. Iím not quitting. Iím not ever going to say, ďWell, I guess this is all there is to it.Ē Because even trying and failing is better than just stopping. Because once you stop, youíre asking the world to understand why you did it. Whether you know it or not, youíre asking the world to accept you, not as a failure, but as someone who should be accepted for being mediocre.

Youíre being a Nancy No-place.

And Nancy No-place can suck my tiny dick right after I cross the finish line last, and while she does it, Iíll brag to her of all the times I have tried and failed, and as I bust my metaphorical nut, I will scream victoriously to the stars, because in a world of mediocrity, even failing is something special.

Entered By Diane From NH
2009-08-11 00:22:18

"bleached anus"? Is that a real thing? ...and I almost just asked how you knew. Don't answer. I really don't wanna know.

Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-08-11 00:54:37

It IS a real thing. I learned about it one summer when a co-worker and I were unloading 75-pound buckets of chlorine. He mentioned something about anal bleaching, and I asked him if that was a real thing. It used to just be porn stars who did it, but now, all the Hollywood people do it. So they can have pink buttholes. Or as my coworker put it, "a pinky stinky."

Entered By Leslie From Texas
2009-08-11 17:16:30

I do believe at one point you even posted a link to anal bleaching, although I was too frightened to follow it. Some things love to show up in your recurring nightmares and I'm just not risking it. That, however, is beside the point. Great rant. Although as your sister, I myself would have preferred you not suffer, despite the whole strengthening-your-character thing. I would have preferred you have an easier life, but you probably wouldn't have been near as witty, and as anyone who has ever been around us knows, we think we're pretty damn funny when we're together - even if no one else gets it.

Entered By Ray From Austin
2009-08-12 03:17:23

I wouldn't go so far as to say I suffered, probably. It's just that life has been a huge pain in the ass quite often. Admittedly, a lot of it IS my own fault.

Entered By Trey From Cowtown
2009-08-12 16:29:19

Those hotdogs aren't done yet. I like my blackened. Also, one of them is sticking out further than the rest. Please pound it back into place.

Entered By Ricky From outside your door
2009-09-27 16:07:25

Your sister strikes me as much more stable, not that my view of stability is going to make Headline News. If you pound Trey's wiener back into place, I want video. And do not even think of saying no to me.

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