I want to talk to you about something tonight, kids. Before I do, I want to assure you that Hate Week isn't going to be all serious this year. There will still be the jokes about things like masturbating on the baby food aisle, I promise. But I feel like I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t at least put this out there for Hate Week.
What’s my job, you ask? Well, mostly I expose myself to expectant mothers, in the hopes that they’ll get so panicked that they’ll go into labor, and then I quick take a picture of their vagina with my phone camera. Then I sell the pictures to the Discovery Channel, and to perverts. If I can get video of their water breaking, it’s just frosting on the cake.
But enough about that—my lawyer said I’m not supposed to be talking about it anymore, especially on the internet, where things are archived and stored against me forever.
I want to talk to you about things people consider offensive. Much like that paragraph about pregnant chicks.
I’ve been listening to a lot of morning radio lately. The Dudley and Bob Show in particular. Don’t judge them by the name of the show, please. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
For the longest time, I didn’t even give them a chance because I was expecting a couple of hillbillies, talking about the quality of spittoons, the best way to hit your ole lady, and how blacks have ruined the country. There are a bunch of morning shows in Austin, and there are a few that are pretty entertaining. But after listening to this crew for a couple months, I’ve become quite a fan. I’ve moved the radio preset button from an obscure “4” button to “1.” I turn the live stream on my computer while I get ready for work in the morning. I don’t change the channel when commercials come on (well sometimes I do, but can you blame me? Screamin’-ass car salesmen, you get your own post this year for Hate Week, if I remember).
I’m not going to put my nuts on the line and say that you will absolutely love them, because everyone has different tastes. But I will say that you should check ‘em out—go to the website, download a quick clip from the RSS feed, give it a listen. They’re smart and they’re funny, and while they entertain, they occasionally bring up stuff that actually matters. Especially if you live in Austin (although if you live in Austin, there’s a good chance you already know them).
So why am I using a Hate Week post to metaphorically suck off these fine gentlemen (and one lady, although I’m not sure you can suck off a chick, even metaphorically)?
Because they’ve been talking a lot lately about freedom of speech. Mostly the lack of it. You see kids, the people in this country talk a lot about freedom of speech. And hell, I don’t blame ‘em—it’s pretty great. It’s what allows me to write on this website night after night instead of being publicly de-testicled on national TV. But we’re losing it. Not to The Man, not to Big Brother.
To a bunch of pussies. A pile of whining, butt-hurt fuckholes who can’t take a joke. People who aren’t intelligent enough to have a sense of humor, but aren’t quite dumb enough to choke themselves to death when they try to put on underpants.
You’ve all heard stories about them—the people who write to television executives. The people who boycott movies. The people who suck the life out of everything with their complete lack of understanding and with their idiocy.
Did you know that the midgets got together and are trying to make “midget” a bad word? Like, they want the FCC to out it on the list as one of the words you can’t say on a public broadcast. Look, man, I’m not a midget, so I have no idea what that’s like. Honestly, I think if I was a midget, I’d be in porn movies and get all kinds of freaky sex. But I guess that isn’t for everyone. My point is, I don’t feel your pain.
But don’t compare being called a midget to the N word. It isn’t a racial slur. Here’s how you can tell the difference: Was there at one point a white man beating you with a whip while you were in chains, pulling a plow through fields, from dawn ‘till dusk? Did he look at you with disgust, like you were lower than a dog on the food chain? Did he sell you to his neighbor? And while he was doing this, did he refer to you with a name that was invented to rob you of your humanity? “Get on over here, Midget Jim, it’s time for you to polish my boots!”
“My name’s Reginald!”
“Yuh name’s Midget Jim!” whipish! Goes the lash.
“My name’s Reginald!”
“Yuh name’s Midget Jim!” whipish! Goes the lash. “What’s ya name, boy?”
“My name’s…my name’s Midget Jim.”
“Hahaha! Now go get your midget wife so’s that I can have secret relations with her and knock her up with illegitimate children.”
Did that happen to you, midgets? Because I don’t think it did. I’m not the best at history, though, so correct me if I’m wrong.
In that article I linked to, the guy said, "Historically, the word 'midget' has been used to objectify people, like in the circus.” Fuck yes it has! You knew who else was objectified? The daredevil. The hot woman who rode around on the elephant. The trapeze people.
And guess who else is objectified? Every movie star, every rock star, every television star in the world. Midgets, we aren’t looking down on you…well, literally, I suppose we are, but figuratively, we are not.
We say “midget” because it is awesome. Yes, it is often used in humorous situations, but that’s okay! Being funny is fine, I promise. You’ll be okay.
But if you run off and get the word “midget” banned, if you makes us all start calling you little people?
(quick aside) And seriously, fuck the idiot who thought that was any better. I mean, I don’t know if you guys have a club or whatever where you elect people, but the guy who stood up and was like, “They should call us little people!” Take that guy out and kick his ass and throw him in the dumpster. Because not only is he a pussy, but he is also stupid and out of touch. (end aside)
If you make us call you “little people,” I can make you a promise. In two years, “little people” is what we’ll be saying instead of pussy or bitch or whiny douchebag. “Is John coming out tonight? There’s gonna be hot sluts and coke.”
“Nah, he’s being a total little person, just staying in with his mom and watching reruns of Wheel of Fortune.”
I will make it my mission, midgets. And I will pepper spray you little bastards any time I see you on the street. Well, not you, little sodomy singer. Seriously, when she sings “sodoooomyyyyyy” and her mouth opens real wide? I’d fuck that girl tall, yo.
But I digress.
No. Banning the word “midget” is not acceptable. If you think it is a hurtful word, you are mistaken. That’s like me getting upset because someone called me a drunken lunatic with a mustard bottle on my cock. Getting mad about it is silly. You guys are midgets, I’m the drunken lunatic with the mustard bottle on my cock. It is what it is, and trying to change it is stupid.
Okay, I’ve gotta wrap this up. I already rambled for three pages, and I still haven’t gotten to my point. So I’ll be talking about the morning show again, and freedom of speech. And I’ll probably get off track and talk about having sex with octopi or something, I don’t know.
Until then, stay sane, be strong, and when the world gets you down, stick your finger up its butt. Just a little, just enough so that it knows you could have gone full-on with that sucker, but you only went enough to show it who’s in charge. Because if you learn one thing, Strangelanders, learn this—you’re in charge if you wanna be. And being a whiny nutsack is never the best idea.
I guess that's two things.